Keeping the Faith Page #4

- Sure.

- I'm free on Thursday.

- Thursday, that's great.

- Okay.

JAKE:
Great. Nice to see you, Bonnie.

This is the man you told me about.

I appreciate what you did

for us in the war...

- How upset are they?

- They're less than thrilled.

- We're less than thrilled.

- With what, specifically?

With what, specifically?

With guided meditation, specifically.

With stand-up comedy sermons,

and your loose improvisational style.

With people enjoying services,

people showing up at all?

To be serenaded

by the Harlem Gospel Choir?

- At least they were praying!

- It was a hell of an Ein Keloheinu.

- It's not kosher!

- What does that mean?

What's kosher? Study your gemara.

Do you feel the same way?

It's not your ideas.

Your ideas are very good.

You're just a little aggressive...

- But, Ben, come on! It was working!

- I know, I know.

- You shake things up. That's good.

- When it works.

But appreciate that many people

come here for a sense of continuity.

It's not just the board.

It's your congregation, Jake.

Mrs. Katz likes to sing

Ein Keloheinu the way she knows it.

Tradition is not old habit.

It's comforting to people.

I'm not interested

in babysitting Mrs. Katz.

I want to push people to grow.

Otherwise, what are we doing?

I know, but you have

to be patient with them.

You'll find people go a lot farther

if they feel they're being led

and not pushed!

RUTH:
Good for you, Anna.

No more of this

"woman behind the man" sh*t.

Most men are unworthy

of the opportunities they've had.

As a woman on your own,

trying to succeed,

what do you do

with that victory energy each day?

Don't you want to share it?

Do what they do. Take lovers.

I've had more dates than Jake.

Mom...

It's true. And when lovers bore,

which they will, sublimate.

- I take classes.

- Me, too! What's your favorite?

- Kabbalah. You?

- Kick-boxing.

I used to take kick-boxing, but it was

too high-impact. I take tae-bo now.

- It's doubled my energy.

- I need that high impact.

RUTH:
I know, I take

Native American drumming.

You take tae-bo?

RUTH:
Look at those pomegranates.

Our-Lady's bedstraw.

The most poetic herb.

Now, over to you.

Anybody new in your life?

Wow! Twenty minutes.

I can't believe we got this far.

It's my right to check.

What about that Shapiro girl?

- Not the Shapiro girl.

- Why? She was a looker.

- The problem was here.

- What? Bad skin?

- No, not bad skin.

- What?

You want an example? I take her out

to dinner. She doesn't want dessert.

I get pecan pie.

She asks for a bite, I give it to her.

Her face swells up like a chipmunk.

She says, "Are there nuts in this?"

- So what?

- Mom, it was pecan pie!

- There must be somebody for you.

- Come on, tell her!

- He's got a very hot prospect.

- Who?

Rachel Rose!

That's who I'm going out with.

- ABC Rachel Rose?

- Yes, ABC Rachel Rose.

I could be in-laws

with ABC Rachel Rose.

Peter Jennings would be

at the wedding!

Speaking of in-laws, Ethan and Jackie

took me to her mom's new play.

- How is Ethan?

- He just got promoted.

He's a vice-president now.

They gave him Dad's old office.

How nice. I got to hear this from you.

- Maybe if you called him...

- I don't want to talk about it.

- Mom, he'd love to hear from you.

- Please, Jake, don't spoil this.

I got you, I'm proud of you.

I got this beautiful garden.

I've reconnected with this old friend.

Let's just hold hands and breathe.

Together.

- You're not breathing.

- I am.

- I don't hear you breathing.

- I don't breathe audibly.

(CHILD SPEAKING SPANISH)

Blam!

- All right, I gotta go. I gotta go!

- Gotta go, really gotta go!

Why not have that thing

implanted in your ear?

I'll be top on the list.

- Hola, Mara, cmo est?

- Beep! Beep!

- Hello, young sir!

- Hello, Radio Man.

- It's like I'm in The Godfather.

- I'm God's consigliere.

Gotta go through me to get to Him.

Whoa, children.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

I totally forget

how amazing New York is.

I know. Whoever said it,

it was really true.

New Yorkers understand

people living elsewhere

must be, in some sense, kidding.

- Can I ask you a question?

- Yeah, obviously, anything.

It's personal, so...

- Are we gonna have the sex talk?

- Yes!

- I want to know how this works for you.

- It's fine. Fire away.

- Really?

- Yeah, I know you got a list.

Okay.

- Well, you don't, right?

- No.

- At all?

- At all.

So, have you ever...

- Yes!

- Had sex? Yes.

- With women?

- Yes.

- So, you're not gay.

- No.

- Sure?

- Yes.

But even if I was,

the rules are the same.

- Do you miss it?

- No.

- Are you tempted?

- No.

- You'd love it if the rule changed.

- I don't think about it.

- Do you fantasize?

- Not really.

How is that possible?

I've seen how women look at you.

Especially knowing you're a priest.

- I'm not blind, okay.

- How do you deal with that?

It's not an issue for me. It's really not.

- Really?

- I'm past that point.

I'm completely committed to what I do.

To my work. It defines me,

completely, as a person.

And it fulfills me. I'm very happy.

That particular sacrifice is a gesture,

a symbol of my commitment.

- Quite a gesture.

- I know it seems that way.

It's like giving up smoking,

the first year is tough,

but then you don't care

if you see people smoke.

I quit two years ago

and when I see smokers,

I want to French kiss them

to suck the smoke out of their lungs.

Well, don't be a priest!

I really admire your commitment.

I don't think I could take it.

You've sacrificed for what you do.

There comes a point

where I just crave contact,

you know, like I want

to touch someone, and be touched.

You're amazing.

- Thanks.

- You're welcome.

- Thus endeth the sex conversation?

- Thus endeth.

I bet no one ever asks

the Dalai Lama these questions.

Len, don't argue with me.

I have it right here, and it's not right.

I'll be back in an hour, run it again.

God, I hate these Harvard guys!

Rachel Rose! When's that going down?

- Thursday.

- Thursday night, 8: 00 p. M. Dinner.

- Are you excited?

- Yeah, I have a pretty good feeling.

- Where are you taking her?

- I thought Ernie's.

You can't take her to Ernie's!

It's been around since we were kids!

- You cannot take Rachel Rose there.

- (NASALLY) Definitely not.

- You must go somewhere new and hot.

- Definitely hot.

- What's new and hot?

- What do we know about her?

Twenty-nine years old, journalism

school, Middle East Affairs expert.

Perfect. Middle Eastern.

She can order in Arabic.

- What's a good place?

- Delphini's. Four stars.

You need a reservation.

- Will you wear a suit, or go casual?

- I don't know. I guess cas...

- No, suit, definitely a suit.

- Shut up, Rain Man. Seriously!

- Now you're making me think.

- Relax.

What if you guys came with me?

Bring a priest on your date?

What kind of strategy is that?

Not a priest, my friend Brian,

and his girlfriend, Anna. A double date.

Pretend you're a couple. Are you busy?

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