Keeping Up with the Joneses

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I work in Human Resources

or "HR," as some people call it.

And I have this poster

in my office that says,

"Keep calm and go to your safe place."

Well, when I get a little stressed out

or my anxiety spikes,

I close my eyes

and picture my cul-de-sac,

and my wonderful wife, Karen,

and our two sons, Patrick and Mikey.

Because that's the place where I know

everything is always okay.

No matter what.

-Bye, Mikey, Patrick. Bye, you guys.

-Bye, guys.

You can text us

the minute you get to camp.

Yeah, okay.

And if you get any ticks,

put it in the plastic baggie

with the date and time of the bite,

and I'll get them tested.

Change your socks. Okay, guys?

Change your socks.

We love you. We love you.

We're gonna miss you.

-Love you guys!

-Have so much fun!

Be strong!

Be strong.

Did that bus driver

look sober to you, honey?

Because he gave me a really weird look

when I smelled his breath.

Well, I think you just startled him.

Look, there's Meg.

Hey, Meg.

I sold it.

-That was so fast.

-Thank you.

All cash buyers.

All cash buyers? That's fancy.

Yeah. And the best part is,

they didn't even see it.

They just saw the pictures online.

I haven't even met them

in person. It's crazy.

Who buys a house

without seeing it first?

I know. Maybe it's a celebrity,

you know?

Come on, Jeff.

No celebrity is gonna move here.

I hope it's not some kind of

meth lab situation.

There he is.

-Sorry.

-Where have you been?

Kinko's was bananas.

It often is.

So exciting. New neighbors, right?

And, Karen,

I left your card in the foyer,

-just in case they want a decorator.

-Thank you.

So did you tell

Jeff about my new idea

for the guest bathroom?

No.

Artist's loft.

Think Brooklyn, okay?

Exposed brick,

visible plumbing. And...

A urinal.

A urinal!

That's really for me.

Meg wants me standing up again.

Well, I suppose I'd better get started

on the urinal.

Yeah, no. I know

what you're getting started on.

Empty house, kids are gone.

Please.

-Honeymoon.

-All right, keep it PG, guys.

Well, we gotta go

flyer the subdivision anyway.

-We're gonna pound the pavement.

-Yeah.

-Jeff, you should try it hyena style.

-We'll try it.

That's the noise I make.

I think Meg has changed up

her medication, honey.

What's Dan's excuse then?

Some of that stuff

they were saying was demented.

-Disgusting.

-Yeah.

But maybe they have a point.

I don't know.

Alone in the house.

First time in a long time.

Yeah, I mean,

we can do whatever we want.

I DVR-ed the Good Wife.

Great. I'll make popcorn.

-Back it up.

-You got it.

-How much room we got?

-Almost there.

Hey, Bernie.

New neighbors aren't wasting

any time moving in, are they?

Nope.

You're gonna clean that up,

right, Berno?

Always do.

Okay, have a good one.

Come on, guys. Let's get outta here.

Come on, fellas. Let's go. Come on.

Hi, Jack. Good morning.

Don't let anybody say that to you

on a plane. "Hijack."

Good morning, anyway.

Morning.

Hi, Diane.

Jeff, good morning.

See those moving vans?

Couldn't miss them.

-Gosh!

-So,

-any word on the new neighbors?

-No.

-Anything?

-Nothing.

Guarantee they're no Dave and Bridget.

Well, at least the summer's

not a total loss.

I mean, we got Junetoberfest

to look forward to.

-Yes, we do.

-And our jobs.

Always have our jobs.

By the way, how's it going upstairs?

Jesus, Jeff. You know I can't

talk about what we do upstairs.

Yeah. I know. It's all right.

Hey, by the way,

I still have those indoor skydiving

lessons if you wanna join me.

My treat.

This week's really hectic.

Kid stuff. But, maybe.

Just text me. Or I'll text you.

Okay, we'll talk about it later.

Have a good one.

-All right.

-Hey, Sheila. Good morning.

Morning, Louise.

Morning, Sharon.

Hi, Jeff. Dr. Fisher called.

Yeah? What did he say?

He said, "Please tell Jeff to stop

texting me about indoor skydiving."

He's joking. He's a riot. Hey, Doug.

Hey, Sanjay.

Hey, Jeff. Can I use your computer?

I need to reorder my anti-depressants.

Of course. Mi computer, su computer.

Where are you? Whos that?

This is Jeff.

Jeff lets me use his computer because

security prohibits Internet upstairs.

And why does Jeff have Internet?

Because Jeff does unimportant work.

Human Resources.

Are we getting written up?

'Cause I emailed him last night

and apologized.

He said he was fine. And we have

-put this behind us.

-It's all fine.

I wouldn't be doing my job if we

didn't go over a couple of exercises.

So, grab a stress ball.

Really?

Okay, so, Margaret's gonna show us...

the meaning of trust.

-Hey, Sanjay?

-Yeah?

Did I tell you that I ate at

a Indian restaurant the other night?

Yeah, I had to call

and make an Indian reservation.

Yang, tell Oren how he makes you feel.

Maybe you should just write us up.

That might be easier.

I once knew an Indian who drank

so much tea, he died in his "tea-pee."

That was a good one.

Okay, Margaret. Go ahead.

Wow.

Yes, I do feel like you are jealous.

I can sense the resentment

every time I bring up

gravitational perturbations.

Is that bad? That sounds bad.

What is that? Is that like--

Gravitational perturbations?

That's a laugh!

Plus, what about my work?

I mentioned velocity vectors

one time...

New neighbors!

One time,

and you try to get me

bumped down to Dhameer's team?

You were supposed to calculate...

This is all because

I hooked up with Sharada.

You what?

You hooked up with Sharada Ganjali?

I'll kill you!

Oren, this is no way

to settle a workplace dispute!

Sharon, call security!

Hiya, Jeff!

-Karen.

-Hey, honey!

Hey, darling.

Still spying on the neighbors?

Hi, there.

Hello.

You must be Jeff.

I'm Tim. This is my wife, Natalie.

We're the Joneses!

Nice to meet you, Jeff.

Nice to meet you guys.

That was a joke about spying--

It's a joke. I'd never spy on anyone.

We love humor.

Humor...

So, Natalie was just telling me that

she's a social media consultant.

Yeah. I also write a cooking blog.

I love blogs.

Yeah, and I work with a charity

for Sri Lankan orphans.

Those are my biggest passions.

Natalie's got a big heart.

Aw, thank you, baby.

Yeah...

-Why don't you tell them about--

-What?

She has passions too. Why don't you

tell them about the urinal?

No, honey!

-It's nothing.

-No, please. It sounds interesting.

I'm picking up a slight accent.

Is that Pittsburgh, maybe?

-She's from Greece.

-Oh, God.

No, but we've lived all over.

And now, it's finally time

to plant some roots. Right?

I can't tell you how excited we are

to be here on Maple Circle.

Such a lovely street.

It really is.

-Thank you.

-We love it.

It's fascinating. In other cultures,

they don't have anything like this.

No, they don't.

In Chinese, for example.

They don't even have a word

for a street like this.

What? For cul-de-sac?

No. No. I mean, they would say...

Which is, loosely,

-"happy place of heart and mind."

-Right.

But it doesn't really capture

the essence of it, right?

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