Keeping Up with the Joneses Page #2

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But it's cool coming

out of your mouth.

-Tim's a travel writer.

-Really?

-Wow! We love to travel.

-We do.

Yeah. We went to Epcot Center

last summer, was it? Yeah.

You can go to every country,

like, within three blocks.

Perfect. That's what we like about it.

We went with the boys over there.

That's Patrick and Mikey.

Patrick's leaning

against the wheel.

He's just a real cuddler.

-They're beautiful.

-Adorable.

Mikey made this.

-Wow!

-What a talent!

-Speaking of which, we brought you...

-Yes, yes.

...a little something.

What?

-That's amazing! Really?

-Give me a break!

I made it myself.

You made it yourself?

Wow. Look at this.

-What is this?

-What is that?

A sculpture.

Tim blows his own glass.

Look at it in the light, honey.

It sort of--

-That's gorgeous. Look at that.

-Gorgeous.

-You made that?

-Yeah,

it's a hobby I picked up in Hungary.

I wrote an article about this

Hungarian glass-blowing master, Yorgi.

-Thank you. I don't know what to say.

-You don't need to say anything.

Just put it right there

and use it as a conversation piece.

-That's cool. Thank you very much!

-Thank you.

-Anyway, we should get going.

-Yeah.

-Yeah. We should.

-Okay.

I feel like I should

give you guys a gift.

I didn't know we were giving gifts.

-That's not necessary.

-You want a stress ball?

No, you don't want a stress ball.

That would be stupid.

I'd love a stress ball.

-Thank you.

-Yes! They really work.

Thank you.

-Let me just get this out of your way.

-No, Jeff will get that.

-No, no, no.

-That's nice.

It's all good. We're neighbors now.

All right.

Have you guys ever been to

or heard of Junetoberfest?

-Junetoberfest?

-Yeah.

You guys should really come.

It's our annual summer get-together.

The whole neighborhood comes.

A really fun group.

A lot of us work together.

At MBI?

Yeah. We have a dart tournament.

We have bratwurst.

I make my own home brew,

which is my passion.

Good!

How'd you know that Jeff works at MBI?

Jeff must've mentioned it.

Right, Jeff?

-No. No, he didn't.

-That's okay, honey--

No, Jeff didn't mention it.

-The stress ball.

-Must've been a lucky guess, I guess.

-No, it's right there.

-Lucky guess. Yeah, we should go.

It's getting late.

Thank you so much for everything.

The coffee was delicious.

-Thank you.

-And we'll see you at Junetoberfest!

So, let me show you a picture.

This is Tyler.

And Tyler's gonna go

to asthma camp this summer.

Oh, my God! He's so handsome!

-Hiya, neighbor.

-Hey.

"Seared yellowtail

with lemon zest and ginger shavings."

Who the hell made this?

Natalie. Apparently,

she can do everything.

I'm sorry, but who wears that

to a barbecue?

I mean, there are kids here.

Come on, Meg.

It's just a summer dress.

It's a very short, very chic,

extremely flattering summer dress.

Yeah, well, it's pornographic.

Look at Dan pretending

to check his email.

If I find pictures of her ass

on his phone, BJ night is canceled.

So, anyway, there I am,

alone, in the middle

of the Empty Quarter, all by myself,

with no water, dying of thirst.

I'm literally

writing a goodbye letter to Natalie.

And what do I see

coming up over the horizon?

But the exact same camel...

whose life I saved

three years earlier.

-Exact same one.

-Did he remember you?

No. No, Jeff.

He didn't remember me. He's a camel.

But I was able to ride him

into civilization.

And I filed my story, with 15 minutes

to spare, thank you very much.

Caught the next flight to Marrakesh

and was sitting in a caf with Natalie

smoking hookah later that night.

-No way!

-I wanna smoke a hookah in Marrakesh.

Well, Stacey,

I know it sounds very romantic.

But, trust me, the world can be

a very dark and disturbing place.

Tim, you want a beer?

Sure. Yeah. Thank you.

-Here you go.

-There it is.

Wow, good job-- Buddy, buddy.

Yeah, buddy. Wow!

-That is a lot of blood.

-It's fine. It's okay.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

It's just gushing a bit.

-Just hold on to that.

-Yes.

Give me this.

-It's sprung a leak.

-Just...

-I feel a little bit light-headed.

-Close your hand around it.

-If I could just maybe--

-No!

You can't rattle me.

Witness... Witness my destiny.

Neighborhood champ,

five years in a row!

Hey! You wanna give it a try?

-Me?

-Yeah!

No,

-I'll only embarrass myself.

-"No" is not an answer.

Come on. It's so easy.

-It's a bad idea.

-Look,

I'll even show you

the famous Craverston grip, okay?

-All right.

-Put that in your hand.

Now hold it like a pencil.

Now cock your wrist.

-Right.

-Good, good. Elbow out.

And then you just kinda throw at it.

Like this?

This is good?

Well, you kinda throw like a girl.

But when a girl is as beautiful as you

she doesn't have to be good.

Do you mind if I skip

the Craverston grip?

Okay, good luck.

Oh, my God! Look at that!

Maybe I should show you

how to throw like a girl.

Suck on that, Craverston.

Shut up, Oren.

Where's your girlfriend?

Tim.

Hey, Karen.

I was just looking for the bathroom.

You were in Jeff's den.

Yeah. I must've made a wrong turn.

Lovely place you have here,

by the way. You have a great eye.

Thank you.

Was that your design work

I saw downstairs?

Jeff had mentioned something

about urinals.

Yes. Well,

the customer's always right.

But, yeah, they are my drawings.

Customer's always right.

Except when they're not.

-The bathroom's that way, Tim.

-No, thank you, I'm fine.

That was one of

the best Junetoberfests

we have ever, ever had.

Have you ever seen a couple

move into a neighborhood

so nicely as the Joneses?

You don't you think there's

something off about them?

I mean, they're so overly

accomplished, and stylish

and affectionate with one another.

Why would they wanna live here?

Karen, they told you,

they wanna settle down.

You know that he was

in your den today?

Yeah, so?

So, he can navigate

the bazaars of Marrakesh,

but he gets "lost upstairs"

looking for a bathroom?

Karen, let me tell you something

I learned years ago.

When people have to poop,

they get embarrassed.

As do I, sometimes.

Really? You think he had to poop?

Probably, yes.

You know, if the Joneses seem a little

bit more affectionate than we do,

it's because they haven't had to mute

their passions the way we have

'cause the kids have been around.

But now, it's our time.

It's our summer. Watch my hand there.

And I think it's time

to get busy sexually.

No. It tickles, honey. Honey!

-Honey, I know we said every second...

-Come on!

Look at the time. Look how late it is.

It's traditional Gaffney foreplay.

Let me just do it.

Come on, baby. Come on.

I'm so tired. But I pick up on things.

I was the one who noticed

when the McNultys

were pirating the Yamamotos' cable.

Yes, and intuition

is a wonderful thing.

And take it from me,

somebody who has had 16 years

of human resource experience,

that the Joneses are perfectly nice,

normal, everyday people.

I didn't know what to do.

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