Keeping Up with the Joneses Page #3

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Smoke blows from the car, you know?

So I figured

Americans are really good with car...

You strong man!

So you can help me out?

Absolutely.

You came to the right guys.

We Americans are good

at a lot of things.

Jeff.

Jeff, wake up.

Who are you, Tim Jones?

Sorry.

Neighbor!

-Hey, Jeff. This--

-Oh, my goodness.

This is embarrassing.

Well, it happens.

Jeepers, let me help you.

-Here you go.

-Thanks.

What are you doing here?

I found your love

of home brewing contagious.

And I figured I could use a hobby.

Instead of glass blowing?

Right. Besides that. Besides that.

It's a cool hobby, but it's probably

not as manly as you'd like.

Hey, Ed. Set my friend up here.

He's gonna need some wort chillers,

probably need some fizz drops.

-Give him some yeast.

-You're the expert.

-Yup.

-Don't let that yeast get infected.

-Okay.

-I'm kidding.

It's a joke.

It's a yeast infection joke.

-Expensive hobby.

-It's more of a calling, Tim.

-Hey, are you hungry?

-I'm famished.

-You like Chinese?

-The food?

Yeah.

Come on!

Spy force on.

I am leaving this message

in case anything happens to me.

I'm following Natalie Jones

who I have good reason to believe--

-Calling Natalie Jones.

-No!

No! No, no, no!

Siri!

Thank you.

Have a nice day.

How's the book?

Interesting.

Hi, there! Nice to see you.

Yes, indeed.

That's is my friend, Jeff.

This is Mr. and Mrs. Lu. Okay.

All right, we're gonna go on back.

I know! I feel like I've been

putting on a little too much.

Thank you. Come on

back here, Jeff. Thank you.

I'm doing a little piece on,

sort of, hidden gems around the city.

-Now, that place is good...

-Yeah?

...but this place is great.

Come on, follow me.

It's good to get out of the

cul-de-sac every now and again.

Well, it is, yeah.

-I love my cul-de-sac.

-There he is.

I knew I felt your presence, man!

-What's up, brother?

-How are you, pal?

This is my friend, Jeff.

Jeff, this is Ricky.

He owns the place.

-Hi, Ricky, how are you?

-What's up, Jeff?

You don't have to bow down.

Don't be shy.

Come on in, man. This guy's stiff!

Welcome to the Cobra Club.

Well, now,

this is Jeff's first time. So...

Don't worry. We'll take

good care of him, man.

Where do you want us?

-Right there, man.

-Thank you. I'll take a shji.

-One?

-Yup.

-Yeah. Two.

-Two?

-Whatever he's having.

-Two shjis coming up.

So? A little different

than you were expecting?

I gotta tell you. Spice and I

don't sit very well together.

There's certain ramifications the next

day, you know, toilet-wise, but--

This is not that.

Okay? It's not spicy,

but this is the real stuff.

I'm ready.

Actually, it reminds me

of when I went kayaking

down the Pearl River to Zhongshan.

It's just beautiful. A lot of places,

just like this.

You have a fascinating job.

-Come on. So do you, Jeff.

-Yes.

I'm sure you could

tell me some stories.

I could tell you some stories

to make your skin crawl.

But I'm in HR.

There's a certain wall

of secrecy around me, so...

You could tell me,

but you'd have to kill me.

I'd probably just get in trouble

from corporate.

You wouldn't actually kill me.

It's just an expression.

Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Here we go. All right.

-Okay.

Look at all these

little ethnic condiments.

-So cool.

-That is...

-Soy sauce.

-Soy sauce.

Try this.

Okay.

Wow! That's good!

What is that? That looks like a snake.

Shji, man.

Snake wine.

That's real cobra.

The alcohol neutralizes

most of the venom.

Yeah, in Guangdong, the old dudes say

you drink snake wine,

makes your sack hang real low, man.

Does it?

Do you have a Arnold Palmer by chance?

You guys want to hear

about tonight's offering?

Yes. Show us what you got. Thank you.

Where did you find this place? Yelp?

It's my job to find places like this.

I talk to people, I go places.

And when I find a place that I like,

I like to share it with people I like.

Shji! Okay, that's a live snake!

Yes, Jeff. It's a snake restaurant.

Yeah, but Panda Express,

they don't serve panda.

Do they?

They call this "the 100-pace viper,"

because if it bites you, that's how

far you're gonna get, man.

-Is that true?

-No!

It's not true.

It's probably closer to 50 paces,

-honestly. It's very potent.

-Pretty bad, man.

I'm afraid of snakes.

I'll eat 'em. But, I'm so sorry.

Ricky knows what he's doing.

He's very good at his job.

Come on, sit down, okay?

Just let him do his thing.

-Yes.

-You're in good hands.

-Yes.

-Okay? Trust me.

You're gonna wanna keep

your hands away from the head,

'cause it can actually still bite you.

So, just be very careful.

Can I have a vegetable spring roll?

Buddy...

You're gonna be just fine. Here.

-A little more of that.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Okay? This is good.

-We might need another bottle of this.

-Yeah.

Let's go ahead and get loosened up.

-Yeah. Snake it up.

-Yeah.

One second. That's Karen. Hello?

Remember I told you something

was off about the Joneses?

Well, my instincts were right.

I just followed Natalie to the mall

and I have two words for you.

Sarah Palin.

And guess what?

There is a Chinese word

for cul-de-sac. It's...

I'm sorry, I'm having

a hard time hearing you.

The point is, the Joneses

are not who they say they are.

Okay. Hold on. I'm sorry.

Karen, I'm actually,

lunching with Tim right now.

There's nothing weird

going on whatsoever. I think...

I think you're just sublimating

your anxiety about the kids.

You're having insecurities

about, you know, your career--

Don't even begin to go there!

I don't throw your man crush

in your face.

I don't have a man crush!

I don't have a man crush.

I had it once in my life,

when I was a boy.

-You mean Bruce?

-She likes to be called Caitlyn.

No, no, no, you're absolutely right.

-Hello, Karen.

-Natalie!

What a surprise!

You've got no clothes on.

You're on the phone.

I'm gonna go.

To be continued.

I was just leaving Tim a voice mail.

He likes to hear from me

when I'm trying on lingerie.

I tell him what I'm putting on,

how it looks.

How it makes me feel.

It looks great! I'm sure he...

I'm sure he's happy to know that.

Tell him from me.

Yeah, it's one of our things.

Keeps the spark alive.

Do you and Jeff have a thing?

Yes, Jeff and I have a thing.

We...

We do it really fast in case

the kids come running into our room.

Sounds like you're very sexual people.

-But your kids are gone, aren't they?

-Yeah. Yeah.

Time for something new.

Is that why you're buying lingerie?

Yes.

Let's see what you decided on.

No. I mean, I just-- It's just stuff.

Come on. Show me

what you think is sexy.

They're for Jeff's mom.

She's morbidly obese.

She drives around on a scooter.

I feel really bad for...

Let's be real with one another, okay?

And he's dating Sheila Rondowski,

I think is her name, on the sly,

which is a big no-no,

'cause she's his superior.

Sure.

This stuff is so good, Tim.

It's delicious.

Didn't I tell you?

I tell ya... Listen. It is impressive

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