Kelly and Cal Page #5

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or having a seeing eye dog

or service monkey

or whatever their

unfortunate circumstances are?

They don't get a choice.

- She's not saying

she'll never go again.

She just needs a day off.

Right, that's...

- You know, we don't want to let

a good pie go to waste.

Right, Kelly?

- Yeah.

Okay, I'll get us plates.

Make it a chocolate cream pie!

Twist my arm!

- Everybody always makes it

sound like it's our fault,

like we're these terrible,

career-obsessed women

too selfish to stop

and have kids

until it's too late.

What about the man-children

in their late 30s

blowing huge chunks

of their life

playing Grand Theft Auto?

Why don't they analyze

that trend?

- You should go out

with an older man.

They have a much longer

shelf life than we do.

Don't be disgusting.

No, I think Bev has a point.

Who's that old guy?

Tony Randall?

He's still pumping out kids.

He's dead, Kelly.

- You know, it takes men

a lot longer to grow up

than we do.

That's a fact.

- Why?

Because we let them.

- Because growing up

is actually really painful,

and women have a stronger

threshold for pain,

supposedly.

- We can't all be

adolescent narcissists.

Where are you going?

To put on some coffee.

And so I don't have to listen

to you.

Nasty.

- It's so easy

for you to be smug,

isn't it?

You have everything I want.

You should be so happy, Kelly.

What is wrong with you?

I don't know.

Oh, hey.

- Hey, lady.

You need a ride?

Hop in.

Okay.

Nice wheels.

I wanted a Firebird,

but, uh, this is much

more expensive and safer.

My parents have no f***ing sense

of irony.

Oh, you got it this time.

- What?

- Nothing.

Cal.

- What?

- Cal!

You jackass!

It's a Volvo.

It's completely safe, remember?

Wow, there's, like, no one here.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah,

we timed it perfectly.

Too late for the lunch rush,

too early for the early birds,

way too early

for the night owls.

Okay, so what's good here?

Well, um, actually,

can we just have two orders

of French fries with gravy;

two cherry Cokes, extra syrup;

and $5 in quarters,

same as always?

- I guess

that's what I'll be having.

She used to be my babysitter.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- She didn't even look you

in the eye.

- Yeah, I know.

Nobody does.

Except for you.

- Okay, so what's

with the quarters?

- This goes all the way back

to the '80s.

That's when you were

in high school, right?

Shut up.

Oh, my God,

I remember all these songs.

Huh!

Did you get the dress?

A dress?

You know, the dress?

- No, I don't know.

What are you... what...

- Come on; you know exactly

what I'm talking about.

Don't do this.

- Yes, I got a dress.

- Okay.

- A really kick-ass one,

actually.

What's it look like?

I'm not telling you.

That'll be my surprise.

Nice.

#All through the night #

#I'll be awake #

#And I'll be with you #

Hello.

Hey.

Wow, that smells good.

- You're home. Early.

- Mm-hmm.

Mom said she made lasagna,

and I wasn't gonna miss that.

- Oh, of course she said

something about that.

Sweet.

So I'll just go change,

and I'll be right back down.

Mom's lasagna.

Mmm.

Has it been helpful

having her and Julie around?

Yeah.

- Oh, how'd you get

on that whole, um,

helping the handicapped thing?

Oh, I don't know.

I think

I just felt bad about, um,

yelling at the kid

in the wheelchair.

I'll see.

- Hi.

- Hey.

Mrs. Cooper, is she in?

Oh, honey?

Um...

Hi... Mrs. Cooper.

Hi... Calvin.

Oh, you didn't...

you didn't forget, did you?

- Oh, my goodness.

I did forget.

Special Teen awards.

Miss Cooper is probably

too modest to tell you,

but she's been nominated

for best new mentor.

Wow.

That's tonight?

You can't win if you don't go.

- Okay, I'll... I'm...

I'll go get ready.

Come on in.

- Hey, thanks.

- Sure.

- I was coming home late

from school one night.

We were been working hard

on our model UN debate.

My team was arguing

in favor of microloans

for physically abused

Pakistani women

to start their own

candle-making co-op.

We left high-fiving each other,

walking on air,

sure that we would win.

Mm.

But I never made that debate.

A drunk driver

plowed across the divider

and changed my life forever.

Sh*t.

You know what, though?

Thanks to the hard work

of my team,

that co-op has helped

over 300 women

change their lives forever.

Oh, yeah?

One candle at a time.

Oh, cool.

Thanks, man.

That's awesome.

Thanks.

Cinnamon-y.

- That's the smell of hope,

my friend.

Okay, ready.

- Golly, Miss... Miss Cooper,

you look nice.

Thanks, Calvin.

Are you wearing combat boots?

Mm-hmm, yeah.

Okay, let's just go.

All right, you guys, have fun.

Don't, uh...

don't keep her out late.

I'll get that.

- Thank you.

- All righty, then.

- See you soon.

- See you guys.

- Geez,

your husband's such a douche.

No, he isn't.

And what was that in there?

Thanks for the warning,

by the way.

- The whole thing's

supposed to be a surprise.

Will you please just...

- Oh, sorry.

- Don't push me.

I hate that sh*t.

I know.

- You look retrotastic,

by the way.

- Thank you.

You look very... suave.

Thank you.

Where are we going?

What's that?

More surprises.

Get in.

Watch your feet.

Whoo!

Holy sh*t.

Get back in.

Are you kidding me?

- Does it look like

I'm kidding you?

Here, here, here, here.

Do it.

Do it.

Whoo!

- Here, here, here.

Take it.

Oh, jeez.

- Wait, wait,

run, run, run, run.

Come on.

Whee!

Sorry I don't have any pot.

That's okay.

I don't smoke that anymore.

- Why, because of

your awesome prom date,

Groovy Gordy?

Groovy Gordy.

Oh, f*** you.

Mm.

I got this.

Do it.

Nailed it!

- I had no idea

that you were a jock.

Can we still be friends?

- Okay.

I'll think about it.

- I'll just put you

in a headlock

and, like, not invite you

to parties and stuff.

What is with the candles, Cal?

Please don't tell me you're

planning an animal sacrifice.

Oh, no, no.

No, this is an exorcism.

Of what?

- We are exorcising

your shitty prom past

and my shitty no-prom present.

Yes.

How are we gonna do it?

Well, since you asked...

What?

Oh, no!

How did you know?

It was an educated guess and...

okay, I used the internet.

#What you mean to me #

Well, Mrs. Cooper?

Don't call me that.

Mrs. Cooper?

I can't d... I'm not dancing.

- You can't?

Bullshit, you can't dance.

Are you in a wheelchair?

Oh, don't give me that crap.

I can dance.

Check out these moves.

#It's not worth trying for #

That's pretty slick.

Then you can dance, okay?

So get your ass

out on the floor.

I can't; I'm too drunk.

- Then you're perfectly

primed up. Come on.

Okay.

#I do it for you #

Here she goes.

#Look into your heart #

#You will find #

#There's nothing there

to hide #

Don't!

#Take me as I am #

#Take my life #

- Hold on tight.

- Stop!

I'm not... no, I can't, really.

I'm not...

Oh, no.

Oh, my God, I am so sorry.

Oh, my God.

Let's do it again.

- You want to do it again?

- Yes.

All right, hop on.

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