Ken Dodd: An Audience with Ken Dodd

---

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Ken Dodd!

(Cheering)

By Jove!

Yippee!

All these beautiful girls! What can l say?

Gladys!

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

You're very... Oh!

Thank you.

First of all, ladies and gentlemen,

my Lord Mayor, Lady Mayoress...

My gracious Lord Mayor,

good gracious Lady Mayoress...

First of all, l'd like to say how tickled l am.

How tickled l am. Can you see that?

l'll do it again. This lady seemed to like it.

Put the binoculars away, dear.

You're looking down the wrong end.

At my age, that's all l need!

Ladies, is this the first time

you've seen a Chippendale?

l'd like to say how tickled and...

how completely discomnockerated...

how full of plumptiousness to be here.

An audience with LWT.

LWT - a Long Wait for a Titter.

Ladies and gentlemen,

you're a special audience.

We watched you coming in.

We peeped through the curtains.

We saw you all staggering along

the South Bank, using your inhalers.

Elastic stockings flapping in the breeze.

l stand here now... Can you imagine

what's going through my mind?

What a challenge!

l've seen happier-looking bloodhounds.

lt would be a good idea if all the ugly ones

came down and sit near the front.

You have? Good.

As you know, folks, as a special...

As a special concession,

people with big ears were allowed in half-price.

Congratulations, sir.

Do you know,

l've been looking forward to you all day.

That's the sort of life l live.

At 5am in Knotty Ash, l flung the bedroom

windows open, climbed in. l thought, By Jove!

l thought, What a beautiful day

for doing something wild and sporty.

Like ramming a brush stave up

Nigel Mansell's trousers and saying,

''How's this for pole position?''

What a beautiful day

for taking your clothes off,

strapping your legs round your neck

and shouting,

''How's this for an oven-ready turkey?

Ready when you are, Bernard Matthews.''

What a beautiful day for going up to a kilted

Scotsman standing over a puddle and saying,

''l see it's a full moon again, Jock.''

Just think, we're all gonna spend the next seven

and a half hours listening to stuff like this.

Oh, yes, we are.

Oh, yes, we are.

Oh yes, we are, missus.

You said you could do it when you wrote in.

Time doesn't matter to me.

This is the way l look at it.

Time matters not one jot.

Let's all say that together.

ALL:
Time matters not one jot.

l'll ask you again in about six hours' time.

One thing about my shows, folks,

you always go home in the daylight.

This studio's all been computerised.

We've all gone digital. Ooh!

All your statistics and personal details

are noted on this computer.

When you came in through the security...

Hang on, l'll get it for you.

When you came in,

you walked through a security screen.

Did you feel a tingle as you came in, missus?

lt should have gone

right through to your corsets.

You did?

Come and see me after the show.

l'll make sure you're properly earthed.

Here are the computer statistics

of our audience here at LWT.

ln the audience we have seven bricklayers,

six carpet fitters,

two taxi drivers and a double-glazing salesman.

He's over there, talking to himself.

You'll notice you're all wearing bar codes.

Barcodes are those patterns you see stuck

on packets of frozen sprouts.

Yes.

l'm sorry l looked at you then, Samantha.

Now, what...

What does your barcode tell me about...you, sir?

You, sir. Gentleman there.

You take a size ten in hats.

You have a bunion on your left big toe

and a cocker spaniel called Eric.

Your hobbies are write rude words

on steamed-up car windows

and taking your trainers off in crowded lifts.

lt was your birthday last week and your friends

clubbed together and bought you a bed-warmer.

A 68-year-old chorus girl.

- Are you all in a good mood?

ALL:
Yes!

Right now l need your support.

l need the loyal oath.

Can we have the loyal oath, please?

Hands on your hearts.

Hands on your hearts.

Your own heart, if you don't mind, sir.

Everybody now repeat after me.

- We the audience...

- We the audience...

- ..at LWT...

- ..at LWT...

- ..solemnly swear...

- ..solemnly swear...

- ..flippin' heck...

- ..flippin' heck...

- ..that we will never...

- ..that we will never...

- ..repeat or reveal...

- ..repeat or reveal...

..any of the new jokes Ken Dodd might tell us!

Come on, please!

The last time l saw so many stars

was when l banged my head on a mangle.

Our first star question

comes from the lovely Hannah Gordon.

An actress of many parts,

all of them in beautiful condition.

- Hannah Gordon. Are you there, Hannah?

- Yes, l'm here.

Ken, l would like to ask if you came from

a show business background.

Were you a funny child?

Oh, er...

Ladies and gentlemen, when l was a baby...

l'd like to tell you the story of my life,

if you've got five or six hours to spare.

l'll tell you the story of my life. When l was...

l'm gonna say something now...

l'm gonna say something now,

ladies and gentlemen - you'll be flabbergasted.

You'll say, ''My, my! We can hardly believe that.''

l...l wasn't a pretty baby.

''My, my...''

Come on!

Be a bit more convincing, will you?

No, l was plain. l had embroidered on my bib,

''This way up''.

l was an ugly baby, very ugly.

l was the only baby in the street

whose dummy had a 1 2-inch flange.

My father put shutters on my pram.

My dad knew l'd be a comedian.

When l was a baby he said, ''ls this a joke?''

l was a bottle baby.

One day l pushed the cork out and escaped.

Do you know, l could walk at six months old.

My granny opened the front door and said,

''Hop it.''

When they took me out in my pram, people

thought it was a mobile Punch and Judy show.

And that's how l came into show business.

l was with John Hanson in Desert Song.

l was second hump on the camel.

For a while l was Albert Tatlock's stuntman.

At eight l had a flea circus until my mother

stopped me playing with the lad next door.

l'm ready for another question. Here we have

a distinguished British actor of stage and film -

James Fox.

Can l be blunt? No, of course, you were.

No, sorry.

Brilliantly.

Ken, l've read your ambition is to play

every live theatre in the country.

Do you have a favourite theatre?

Yes, l do. All my theatres...

All theatres are beautiful.

These temples of show business.

ln London there's the Palladium.

There's beautiful theatres in the North -

in Blackpool and Newcastle and Scotland.

ls there anyone in from the North?

Yes!

- Anyone in from Lancashire?

- Yes!

Well, you'll recognise tripe when you see it.

- Anyone in from Yorkshire?

- Yes!

Notice they all sit near the door

in case there's a collection.

Nowt wrong wi' Yorkshire folk, is there?

Yorkshire born, Yorkshire bred.

Strong in the arm...

As l say...

We have a very distinguished gentleman

in the front row in evening dress and trainers.

Good evening, sir. Are you a professional

gentleman? An architect, surveyor, doctor?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes