Ken Dodd: An Audience with Ken Dodd Page #2

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Pardon? A binman. l see.

Could l ask you a personal question?

l wouldn't embarrass you.

What night of the week is your bath night?

What night's your bath night?

- Well...

- Yes?

Most nights, really. Three or four nights a week.

Fella on the front has a bath

three or four nights a week.

(Cheer)

Are you in some kind of an institution, sir?

This lady...is this Matron?

The lady in the safari jacket

and the Doc Martens.

Why have so many baths?

Whatever you're looking for, you won't find it,

not unless they've got a big nurse.

When you have these three or four baths

a week, sir,

do you have them all over or does she sit you on

the draining board and go as far as your knees?

And when you get out of the bath,

do you have a quick flex?

l bet you do. You're a big lad.

l bet you're up in that bathroom for hours.

ls he, missus?

Eh? For hours? Yes? Posing.

Posing in front of the full-length mirror.

Bragging. Shouting downstairs, ''Gladys!

Gladys! Come and look at this!

Hurry up!

l can't hold it much longer!''

Do you use any male cosmetics?

Any fa-far, fa-foo, fa-fee, fa-fah?

Pledge? Oh, that's good.

She's bound to take a shine to you now.

This is an educational show, you know.

When you leave tonight, you'll say,

''That's taught me a lesson!''

Let's have a question

from my favourite Frenchman.

All l can say is, thank heavens he's English.

From 'Allo 'Allo!, Mr Gordon Kaye.

Ken, with respect, you have a curious mind.

How would you...?

(Shrieks of laughter)

How would you describe your kind of comedy?

Well, er... That's a good question.

Optimistic.

Yes. Yes.

l am an optimist. And we have lots of optimists

in the audience tonight.

They booked taxis for eleven o'clock.

l've love to ponder. l'm fond of a ponder.

l ask myself questions; Why does the tomcat

lick itself just as you're having your supper?

Here's another one you won't like. You...

On a Sunday evening, you're in the house,

you've just had your tea. You're full of chunks.

Pardon? Well, all right, then,

Chinese passion fruit.

You're in the house.

You've had a little trifle in the afternoon

and now you're having your tea.

You've bunged in a shovelful of blancmange.

You switch the TV set on and that fella's there -

James Herriot.

Now... Exactly, exactly!

He does the same blessed thing -

where's he getting the cows from?

That's what l'd like to know.

They're can't be that many poorly cows

in Yorkshire, surely?

You're bunging in a shovelful of blancmange

and he's going, ''Come on, my old beauty.''

And an amazed cow is going, ''Moooooo!''

l reckon he deserves a pat on the head for that.

Are there any farmers in tonight?

Any farmers in?

Yes!

(Sniffs) l thought so. You can always...

You can tell there's farmers in. They show

their wives to their seats - ''Come on, Daisy girl.''

l love anything like that. Anything intellectual

l love. l'm an intellectual entertainer.

lntellectual entertainer.

At one time, only Noel Coward and me

did this stuff.

But once he packed the accordion up,

l was in like a shot.

And l do draw,

rather like a mustard plaster. l do...

(Coughs) When l was a little lad...

Hear my wheeze?

(Wheezes) Terrible.

When l walk down the street, people think

l'm following them with an accordion.

When l was a boy, my old granny

used to stick a mustard plaster on my chest

before l went to school.

lt was embarrassing. The other kids

wiped their ham sandwiches on me.

This is a very intellectual audience here tonight.

ln here tonight there's an lQ of about 1 88.

Between them, of course.

l got some marvellous educational news

last week.

What day was it? lt was Tuesday.

l came downstairs to get the post -

which is a good trick in a bungalow.

l picked it up

and found they'd informed me by letter

that l've won a prize

in the Reader's Digest draw.

(Cheering)

No, no. No, no. No, l've nearly won a prize

in the Reader's Digest draw.

Not only that, but my name was specially

selected from all the other people...

You're looking at a person

who's going through to Stage Two.

And l'm going to America with Hoover. Yes, yes.

l may be going to Scunthorpe with Electrolux,

but that isn't confirmed.

lsn't it a marvellous magazine,

the Reader's Digest? A mine of useless...

l love reading the medical articles.

l'm potty at anything medical.

l wasn't always. l used to think a placebo

was a Spanish singer.

Here's one l bet you didn't know.

Did you know a dog whistle is so high,

the human ear can't hear it?

Your dog's in your kitchen now

whistling his head off...

..and you're here in LWT laughing hysterically.

lsh, ish.

l bet when you get back home

your dog'll say to you,

''l've been in the kitchen whistling

my head off...

and you haven't taken a blind bit of notice.

The back door was bolted, so there it is.''

What's that, madam? You're not bothered

cos you've got a cat flap.

Do you mean personally, or at home?

l'll be good for the cats cos that's

how we'll find our way home tonight.

Or tomorrow or whenever this seminar finishes.

Not following a ginger tom. l'm talking about

the cat's-eyes in the centre of the road.

The cat's-eyes in the centre...

This is rather pleasant, this. The cat's-eyes...

A Yorkshireman invented the cat's-eyes,

by accident.

One night, this Yorkshireman, he's driving home

at night in his big posh car, in the dark.

And suddenly in the car's headlamps

he sees these cat's-eyes coming towards him.

Now, had the cat been walking the other way,

he would have invented the pencil sharpener.

Remember where you heard it first.

Because knowledge is power.

Knowledge is power. What is knowledge?

Power!

- Have you got the knowledge?

- Yes!

Then you've got the power.

lsn't it wonderful to be in control?

This thing isn't working again here.

We have another brilliant British actor here -

Mr Martin Jarvis.

He was in the film Chariots Of Fire.

He played a wing nut.

His biggest success was in the play

The Barefoot Contessa. He played a verruca.

What's on your mind, Martin, besides libel?

Talking of plays, Ken, you had a success

when you played Malvolio in Twelfth Night.

l wonder, have you any further plans

to appear in straight plays?

Yes, well, you know what's it like.

You can't get the plays, can you?

No.

- Are great plays still being written, Martin?

- Well, there you are.

- We must do it ourselves.

- Why not?

Let's write a play tonight.

We could write a play between us, couldn't we?

Yes!

We've all the right people. lf we put

our heads together we could make a plank.

Shall l be the hero?

l come from a long line of heroes.

My Uncle Sidney, he had a military bearing,

which he used to juggle

and make the kids laugh with.

(Prolonged laughter)

My Uncle Eustace,

he deserted during the military two-step.

My grandfather had a lot to do with

the relief of Lady Smith.

As a matter of fact,

she invited him back the following night.

- Or shall l be the villain? What do you think?

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