Ken Dodd: An Audience with Ken Dodd Page #3

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WOMAN:
Yes!

l could be a villain.

l could do some villainous things, you know.

At the end of the month,

l go to the bottom of the garden,

wait until the tortoise gets there,

then turn it round the other way.

l can do some pretty swinish things.

When it's raining, l love to ask policemen

the time when they're wearing their bike capes.

l close me eyes in wedding photos.

And when l'm at home,

l deliberately leave the seat up.

1 0:
30 at night l always get the dog's lead down

from behind the door, and then don't go out.

This play is based on the film Futile Attraction.

You've seen it? Futile Attraction?

There's this woman, she's obsessed by me -

naturally, of course.

l am a matinee idol.

l do very little in the evenings as well.

This woman she's a psychopath.

l realise that when l see her riding her bike

on the pavement.

(Some groans)

Please.

Come on, you got in for nothing.

There l am. There l am in the South of France -

Monte Carlo.

Playing dominoes with Prince Rainier.

l say, ''Are you knocking, Your Highness?''

l got back to my beautiful villa.

l'm sitting in bed, in my Austin Reed pyjamas.

Sitting on the water bed. Last night we left it

switched on and we were nearly poached.

l say ''we'' cos now

l have this beautiful, tall French girl.

She's standing on the balcony,

the moonlight is dancing in her hair.

(Posh accent)

The moonlight dancing in her hair.

All right, then, her hurr.

She's wearing a diaphanious nightie.

lt's a fashion term. l got it out of a magazine.

Diaphanious. lt means semi-shufty.

Rather like buying a ham shank at the Co-op

wrapped in mutton cloth.

lt looks very tasty, but you can't quite get at it.

She said, ''l could murder a bowl of cornflakes.''

That's when l realise she's a cereal killer.

Oh, come on.

Let's have another question

from one of my favourite glamour girls tonight.

Mollie Sugden.

lf you had the opportunity

to have a really good part in a feature film...

- Yes.

- ..but it meant taking off your clothes...

- (Laughter)

- ..would you do it?

Well, l do have a good part for that sort of...work.

l don't know, Mollie.

You don't watch films like that, do you?

Have you got a satellite dish?

Phwoar! Have you tried Channel 27?

Ha-ha! lt's got ''Channel blocked''.

You can't see them, but you can hear them.

''Oooh! Ah! Eee! Oooh!''

l think they must be lifting a heavy wardrobe.

l saw one of those Continental,

sexy films the other night. lt was a Swedish film.

This couple, this man and this lady

they were wrestling. Well, l think they were.

They were all shiny,

like they'd rubbed themselves with Trex.

so you can understand the plot.

He said,

(Speaks gibberish)

And she said... (High-pitched gibberish)

(Continues speaking gibberish)

And the subtitle comes up on the bottom:

''Can you smell gas in here?''

We have in the audience a gorgeous lady,

renowned for her beauty and brains.

The star of Tomorrow's World -

Miss Carol Vorderman.

Such a brilliant intellect,

she can do Chinese takeaways in her head.

Carol, we both share

the same love of mathematics.

Yes.

After the show l'll give you a copy of

my new book, Teach Yourself Accountancy,

..based on my personal experiences called

The Mysterious World of Numbers.

l shall read it from back to front.

l'm heavily into science and science fiction,

and not a lot of people know this,

but you once appeared in Doctor Who.

- Doctor Who, yes.

- Are you heavily into science fiction?

Oh, yes. Sci-fi. Yes.

l saw this science-fiction film in our house

the other night. lt was all about an aspronaut.

He shot up into space,

went three times round the galaxy.

He brought the spacecraft back to earth.

He swooped low over the

Bernard Manning Memorial Sewage Farm.

This astronaut he shot up into space.

He looked through the porthole window

and couldn't believe his eyes.

Because he was 1 00 years into the future

and everything on earth had changed.

There were no roadworks on the M6.

Stop it! You're going too far!

Not on the M6, you wouldn't!

Our show this evening is graced

by the presence of a renowned concert artiste.

A star of many platforms - as those of you

who've travelled from King's Cross will know.

Dame Hilda Bracket.

Dame Hilda.

Kenneth dear,

a delight to be able to ask you a question.

Look at me when l'm talking.

(Laughter)

Has your voice been strain...trained...

..and did you ever nurture a wish

to go into grand opera?

You'd do so well, dear.

Thank you. Yes, l have had my voice trained.

They put newspapers down for it.

l can cover five octaves.

l've had my legs stretched.

l don't know about opera.

Opera is very confusing.

Opera is where a man gets stabbed,

and instead of bleeding, he sings.

But l like singing.

Singing makes you happy.

And l like happy songs.

And you like happy songs, don't you?

- Yes!

- So, maestro, have you any ''Ha ha'' music?

# Blue Danube Waltz

# Ha ha, ha ha

Come on, girls! Here we go!

# Ha ha, ha ha!

Hee hee!

# Hee hee, hee hee!

Ho ho ho ho!

# Ho ho, ho ho!

Missus, are you laughing at something l said

or something he's done?

l can't take credit for another lad's work.

# When l'm calling you

# Ooh-ooh-ooh

# Oooh!

# Will you answer

# Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh!

Start the car!

# Just one Cornetto

# Give it to me!

Ooh, l'd like to give it to you!

# There was a band with a spurious tone

of the cornet, clarinet and big trombone

# Fiddle, cello

# Fife, bassoon, euphonium

# Far away as in a trance,

all together in the floral dance

# Tiddlywinks, old man,

suck a lemon if you can

# lf you can't suck a lemon,

suck an old tin can

# l've got a gumboil, a toothache, a bellyache

# A pain in me left side,

a pimple on me - ooh!

# On the road to Mandalay

# Where the frying chip shops pay

# That's the wrong way to tickle Mary!

# That's the wrong way to go!

# Aunty Mary had a canary

# Up the leg of her drawers!

- Please!

This is classical music!

(# Sings from The Barber of Seville)

(Makes farmyard noises)

# There was an old farmer who had an old cow

# VERDl:
Rigoletto

- Oh, this is...

''La donna e mobile'', translated:

''Does anybody want to buy a lady's bike?''

(Music stops)

What's the matter? Sorry. l thought you'd stalled.

Have you got a set of jump leads on you, sir?

You have, but you're using them?

# La donna e mobile qual piuma al vento

# Mutata cento, Hades inferno

(# Sings gibberish)

# Shut your face

# Woman is fickle,

Give her a tickle

# Hold her waist tightly

Do it twice nightly

# Nessun Dorma

# Spaghetti bolognese...for you!

# And l'll have cannelloni too...

# Ooh, ooh!

# Vincero!

# Vincero!

# Vincero!

# Vin...cer...o!

# Romantic intro

Molto amore.

Molto amore, sempre amore.

Molto amore, sempre amore,

cannelloni, cappuccino.

Molto amore, sempre amore, veal massala.

Molto amore, sempre amore,

chicken tikki.

Molto amore, sempre amore, vindaloo.

Spaghetti bolognese?

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