Ken Dodd: An Audience with Ken Dodd Page #4

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Spaghetti hoops?

(ltalian accent)

Sorry, we are closed! Restaurant closed!

Go away. Try McDonald's. Fish and chip.

Restaurant closed. Chef gone home.

De chef, he got a haddock.

No, not a haddock there. He got a haddock

here. lt's a very bad haddock.

ls very bad. ls very serious. He no come back.

The chef he ate his own cooking.

He had the salmonella - poached.

Oooh, he got de gippy tum.

# Cuando calienta el sol aqui en la playa

# Siento tu cuerpo vibrar cerca de mi

# Es tu palpitar, es tu cara, es tu pelo

# Son tus besos - me estremezco, oh-ho

# Cuando calienta el sol!

# Love me with all of your heart

# That's all l want, love!

# Love me with all of your heart,

or...not at all

# Just promise me this:

that you'll give me all your kisses

# Every winter, every summer, every fall!

- (# Vibrato)

# When we are far apart

# Or when you're near me

# Love me with all of your heart as l love you

# Ooh!

# Don't give me your love for a moment,

for an hour

# Love me always

as you've loved me from the start

# Love me with all of your heart!

# Cuando calienta el sol!

# Cuando calienta el sol!

(Cheering and applause)

# El sol!

Whorrr!

There's a wonderful atmosphere in here tonight.

(Sniffs) Just like a clinic!

Friends. l feel l can call friends now,

but not for much longer!

Tonight's Ticklemas Eve,

and tomorrow's Ticklemas Day.

l've had 'em specially refluffed

for you tonight, love.

Ooh, Gladys, you're going to get it.

This is why l'm wearing me furry coat.

Genuine moggyskin. Pussycats.

Took 28 moggies to make this.

(Sniffs) All toms.

By Jove, it's full of life this coat.

l've had a pair of underpants made of this stuff.

Moggyskin long johns.

When l walk down our street,

people say, ''Ah! Hair he comes.''

''Hair he comes.'' lt's a joke!

That's definitely a joke. l recognise them.

That's what we professional humorists call

''a shaft of wit''.

Well, that's something similar, sir.

Right. We've got a gentleman in the audience,

ladies and gentlemen.

Over here.

(Wolf whistle and cheers)

Oh, thank you, thank you.

You get these suits by sending away the tops

of 1 2 Bird's Custard packets.

A young man over here, ladies and gentlemen.

A man who works miracles.

The world's greatest wizard, Paul Daniels!

Paul Daniels, a magician so small

the rabbit keeps dragging him back into the hat.

Paul Daniels - he's working very hard now

on his most difficult illusion.

How to make David Copperfield disappear.

Paul, amaze me with your question.

What's that old basket doing on the stage?

l'm trying to get laughs.

This here is a prop basket, as you know.

Paul, you were probably born in one of these -

a much smaller one, of course.

l haven't heard that one before!

This is an old prop basket and it's full of props.

All comics love props.

Here's the jester's cowl.

Jesters all wore these - the fools of the

Middle Ages, as opposed to a middle-aged fool.

Has a comical effect.

The ladies are laughing already.

They know it reminds them of a donkey.

Sometimes l wish l was a donkey.

Only sometimes.

The jester had a fool's licence.

He could do anything he liked.

He'd go around hitting the king and noblemen

over the head with his bladder.

And it was very funny if...

if he'd been on the lager the night before.

This is a slapstick. Two pieces of wood.

That's where the expression comes from -

the slapstick.

The red-hot poker. Won't bother with that.

This is my favourite.

The Great Drum of Knotty Ash.

A bit of classical music.

# Come and join us!

# Silent night!

# Softly, softly...

l love a drum. You can't beat 'em.

Well, you have to, actually.

l never go anywhere without my drum.

l love dashing into Tesco's and shouting,

''l want four pence off!''

The special offers l've had!

And in...in an ener-ener-emergency...

l mean, supposing, for instance,

you were in a strange hotel in London.

l know we've found one.

You're in a strange hotel. lt's the middle

of the night and you don't know where you are.

Well, stick your drum out of

the bedroom window.

Go on, love, you've got a beauty.

Bung your drum out and go...

Someone always shouts, ''Who the hell's

playing a drum at 3:30 in the morning?!''

We have a very glamorous young lady here.

A gorgeous girl who you can definitely

count on - up to two, anyway.

Miss Samantha Fox is here. Hello.

Hello.

Ask me anything you like.

OK, well... l will, don't worry.

My question is rather personal, really.

l'd like to know where

your tickle-stick idea comes from.

Tickling-stick? A lot of people think

the tickling-stick is a sex symbol.

But l think it's a fallacy.

(Some groans)

lt's a jester's prop. lt is. lt's a jester's prop.

We've a man here who became

the long-suffering husband of Hyacinth Bucket.

He's been dying to kick her ever since.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome Mr Clive Swift.

Ken, you are known

as the Professor of Tickleology.

And you've studied the psychology of humour.

So please could you tell me

because l've wanted to know all my life,

what is a laugh?

What is a laugh? Anatomically speaking,

a laugh starts here in your diagram.

- lt...

- (Laughter)

..works its way up through your clack

and out through your titter valve.

lt's very like an attack of wind, actually.

A laugh is a noise that

comes out of a hole in your face.

Ha-ha-ha!

Anywhere else, you're in dead trouble.

People laugh at all sorts of things. Some ladies

laugh at little things. lt's a pity, but there you are.

For thousands of years

philosophers and psychologists

have all tried to find the secret,

the secret spring of laughter.

Aristotle said that the nub of laughter

was a buckled mill wheel.

That is to say, life out of true.

All the great philosophers;

Schopenhauer, Kant, Berkson...

Freud said the essence of the comic

was the conservation of psychic energy.

But then again Freud never played

second house Friday night at Glasgow Empire.

l think, ladies and gentlemen,

there is a rainbow of laughter.

A rainbow of laughter. At the very top

there is the laughter of pure joy.

White, if you like, and you can hear that

anytime you like for free.

Just pass any school playground and you see

little children leaping and jumping around

for the sheer joy of being alive.

And then you go right the rainbow,

through the different laughs.

Pink laughter, green laughter, blue laughter.

And right at the very bottom there's the dark

colours of sarcasm, insult, satire.

l think laughter, a sense of humour is the sense

of seeing the funny side of life.

People say, ''Do funny things happen

on the way to the theatre?''

A friend of mine, John Farrow, the producer.

He had a marvellous idea to have a play

written for him called Page Three Girls.

lt was an excuse to get young ladies

to take their clothes off.

(Laughter)

The opening night

was at the Theatre Royal, Hanley.

The Page Three Girls. Place was packed.

The lights come down in the auditorium.

Complete blackout.

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