Ken Dodd: An Audience with Ken Dodd Page #5

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And from the back a little pin -

a pin focus light hit the front of the stage.

The curtains parted and out stepped

this beautiful girl. Not a stitch on.

A lovely 20-year-old. Perfect, beautiful body.

As naked as the day she was born.

And she went up to the mike and she said,

''Ladies and gentlemen,

may l have your attention?''

We've got a wonderful man over here who

looks like Father Christmas with an attitude.

lt's...it's Warren Mitchell.

Ken, l'd like to know, when you first

came into this mad business of ours,

did you have a comedian, a comic, who was

a hero that you wanted to model yourself on?

l did indeed, Warren. l modelled myself on...

l was very lucky.

l had great heroes to look up to.

Wonderful comedians of 40 and 50 years ago.

Arthur Askey, Ted Ray, Max Miller.

- (Applause)

- 'Ere!

Arthur Askey was my...

Arthur Askey was a wonderful man.

lt was like a firework display going off.

He had so much energy.

And the greatest stand-up comic of them all

was Ted Ray. What a wonderful man.

He had such charm, sophistication.

The most lovable of all our great drolls

must have been Rob Wilton.

When he said,

''The day war broke out the wife said to me,

'Why are you wearing that ridiculous uniform?'''

He said, '''l'm guarding the White Cliffs of Dover

in case we get invaded.'

She said, 'What, you?'

'Oh, no. There's five or six of us.'

'Why are you wearing that ridiculous uniform?'

'l told you. ln case Hitler invades

the White Cliffs of Dover.'

She said, 'How will you know it's him?

You said in case Hitler invades...

How will you know it's Hitler?'

He said, 'Well, l've got a tongue

in me head, haven't l?'''

And that is great comedy, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you.

People say, ''Where are the new comedians?''

l'm going to introduce you now to a great new

comic, a great new comic star from Merseyside.

He's over here, ladies and gentlemen,

Mr Mickey Finn.

Thank you, Ken. Why do all the comedians

come from Liverpool?

Well...Arthur Askey said you've got to be

a comedian to live in Liverpool.

l love accents.

lsn't that a lovely Liverpool accent?

(Liverpool accent) ''Know what l mean, our kid?''

The thing about a Liverpool accent,

we can be understood - just about.

British accents... Down in the West Country,

that's where they say,

(West Country accent)

'''Ello, my dear. 'Ello, my flower. Hello, my lover.''

That's the men to each other.

Here's a lovely West Country lass, Pam Ayres.

You're a long way from the country, Pam.

You must be free range.

Ken, l've often heard that if you tell a joke

in the form of a poem or a verse

it works better as a poem.

What do you think about that?

Well, l would just say, ''Oooh-arh!''

Yes, l think so. lt's the rhythm, the rhyme.

lt seems to help the humour along.

There was a marvellous comic

called Billy Bennett, another Merseyside lad.

He had fabulous monologues like this one.

A Sailor's Farewell To His Horse.

(Shrieks of laughter)

'Twas a dirty night, 'twas a dirty trick

When our ship turned over in the Atlantic

lt was the schooner Hesperous -

we all lay asleep in our bunks

Bound for a cruise,

where they don't have revues

With a cargo of elephants' trunks.

The sea was as smooth as a baby's top lip

Not even a policeman in sight

And the little sardines had climbed into their tins

And pulled down the lids for the night.

Said old Bo'sun Brown, ''The ship's going down

And l'm sure that we'll never reach Blighty.''

''lt's women and children first'', cried the mate

So l put on the old woman's nightie.

l said to a girl - ''You must swim for your life

Or cling on to a buoy, if you can.''

She looked at me coy,

and said, ''You're not a boy.

Get off, you're a dirty old man!''

Thank you.

ln the audience, we're very lucky to have

one of our best comedy talents -

the lovely Josie Lawrence.

Josie, what's...what's your line anyway?

ln these days of sexual equality,

there's still more male comedians

than female comedians.

Would you agree

that women can be as funny as men?

As funny? (Chuckles)

l know some very funny women.

Women are definitely funny.

Only a woman would think of going to bed

at night wearing a mud pack, hair in curlers,

and then say, ''Where's all the passion gone?''

Only a woman on a Saturday night

would think of hoovering

when you're trying to listen to the football

results.

Liverpool 4, Arsenal... (Makes whirring noise)

(Laughter drowns out speech)

l see over here, ladies and gentlemen,

my dear old friend.

l don't whether if l can coax him

into asking a question cos...

(Laughter)

..he's so modest and shy...

..and humble.

Mr Frank Carson!

Well, l just thought, Doddy, have you...

..have you ever thought

of being politically minded?

And are you politically correct?

Well, we've both got brilliant minds, Frank.

True, true. He's right! He's right!

l have thought of going into politics. Yes, l have.

The job l fancy is

Chancellor of the Exchequer.

- (Laughter and applause)

- No, because... No, l do.

At least l'd be reunited with my money.

Frank, l refuse to tell ethnic jokes.

A fellow went into a pet shop

in Liverpool last week and he said,

(lrish accent)

''Have you got any o' them budgerigars?

How you any of them

little green and yellow fellas?''

He was from West Liverpool.

The pet shop owner said,

''Yeah, we've got budgies.''

He said,

''How much are the little beggars?''

He said, ''They're ?1 0.''

''?1 0?''

''?1 0.''

''That's what l said, ?1 0.''

He said, ''How many have you got?''

''l've got 1 00.''

''l'll take the lot.'' He put a grand on the counter.

''Put 'em in an old cardboard box with holes in

and l'll take them back.''

When he got home,

he had this beautiful waistcoat made.

Frank, you're beautifully turned out.

lt was uncut moquette. lt went started here

on the shoulders and went down to his ankles.

You've seen Joseph and his Technicolor...

lt was nicer than that.

And all the way down it had these pockets.

Two pockets here, two pockets, two pockets.

And he put a little budgie in every pocket,

you see.

Every pocket had a little budgie in.

Curious little birds. Lovely little things.

They kept popping their little heads out

and waggling their little beaks.

You do it for me, dear.

Oh, my God!

He got on the train at Liverpool

and went down to London.

Got off at Euston, walked to the Post Office

Tower, climbed to the top and jumped off.

Yes. The waistcoat, the budgies, him.

From Liverpool to London.

Walked all the way to the GPO Tower,

clambered his way to the very top

and hurled himself into space.

He just went - Blurrp! - on the deck.

One of his pals rushed up and said,

''Paddy, what the hell are you trying to do?''

''l tell you one thing,'' he said.

''That budgie-jumping is a waste of bloody time!''

Over here we have Scotland's answer

to Les Patterson.

Rab C Nesbitt.

Rab C Nesbitt,

the Jimmy Knapp of show business.

But he's really a wonderful, fine, versatile actor -

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