Ken Dodd: An Audience with Ken Dodd Page #6

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Gregor Fisher.

The question l'd like to ask you

is about playing theatres up and down

the length and breadth of the land.

You've played in theatres in the south

and the north.

And even the far north -

you've mentioned Glasgow Empire.

Do people laugh at different things

dependent on where you are in the country?

Oh, yes. Oh, yes, oh, yes.

Even further north than that, Gregor.

l've been to the Shetlands.

l found a little theatre called

the Garrison Theatre up there.

l went to the Shetlands. l've got what they call

''a giggle map'' of Great Britain.

And if you look at a map of Great Britain,

you see all... lt's a wonderful country.

This septic isle set in a silver sea.

lt is. Everybody's sense of humour is different.

You can tell a joke in Edinburgh and they

won't laugh in London. They can't hear it.

No...no... Please, no.

The beautiful seaside resorts we go to with palm

trees and people playing kazoos in grass skirts.

Where have we been like that? Oh, Widnes.

Widnes. The only town in Britain

where they grow brown daffodils.

Sail up the coast of Britain past Southport...

lf you're thinking of going to Southport,

see me first.

l know a man who knows his way to the sea.

Of course you are from Southport.

lt's such a thrill in Southport to go paddling

outside the three-mile limit.

l was mugged there once

by Lawrence of Arabia.

Keep going north up to Bonnie Scotland.

Och-aye in the knicky-new

when you get tickled in the Trossachs.

Glasgow was once voted City of Culture.

Wasn't it, Gregor?

City of Culture - you get mugged in French.

(Scottish accent) See vous, Jimmy.

What a wild, exciting city, Glasgow.

They used to have street fights every night.

No more street fights now.

They call them pavement debates.

Back down the east coast of England.

Down to Scarborough.

Ever so hilly in Scarborough.

Late at night in the summertime you see

the OAPs going back to their digs,

all roped together.

The Midlands - now you'd think the Midlands

being the engine room of Britain,

you think the Midlands would be - well, it isn't.

No, it isn't.

Most lovely people there. Up in the Northwest

our heroes are Pat and Mick.

Now, in the Midlands, it's Enoch and Eli.

Two fellas called Enoch and Eli.

(Midlands accent) ''Where you been, our Eli?''

That's how they talk.

''Where you been, our Eli?''

(Posh voice) ''Where have you been to, Eli?''

(Midlands accent)

''l've been fishing in the cut.''

''Fishing? Did you catch anything?''

''Ooh-arh. l caught a whale.''

''You caught a whale? What did you do with it?''

He said, ''l chucked it back in again.

There were no spokes in it.''

Cos the Midlands...

ln the Midlands you have Stratford, of course,

with Willy Shakespeare.

The man invented our business.

A man of a few words like myself.

- He...

- (Laughter)

..married Anne Hathaway.

She was the first Avon lady.

ln those days... Stratford now

it's all ashtrays and egg timers.

But in those days Stratford was all

little wooden houses with thatched roofs.

They had an awful lot of fires.

Luckily, most of the men were heavy drinkers.

Every place in Britain has a story to tell.

Like Harrow, for instance. Now Harrow

is named after a Japanese word of greeting.

''Harrow!''

And then, of course,

there's our capital - London.

lt wasn't always the capital, you know.

At one time, Britain was divided into two parts.

l'm talking about BC -

Before Coronation Street.

Up North we had

the Roundheads and the Squareheads.

Down South they had the Cavaliers.

They're the ones with the velvet knickerbockers

and lace ruffs and long, wavy hair.

Their patron saint was St Francis, A Sissy.

Up North we were governed by

King Dick of Wigan.

Yes, Buckingham Palace in those days

was in Plank Lane in Leigh.

King Dick of Wigan

was the pretender to the throne.

He'd go round saying, ''l'm not really the King.

l just like waving.''

He was arrested.

Now, matters came to a head at the Battle of

Watford Gap, behind the service area.

lmagine the tactics.

The velvet-knickered Cavaliers,

they'd been hiding on the roof of the Little Chef

for three days, trying to get served.

He said, ''Me, go into battle with two bottles?

Not me. l'm Wash & Go.''

The air was filled with the sound

of ricocheting black puddings.

Then the Yorkshire Squareheads used

the ultimate weapon: the mushy-pea bomb.

There's always a terrible fallout.

They transferred the match to Stamford Bridge,

where they drew three-nil.

Then on to the Battle of Hastings,

and we all know the picture there.

Clash of sword upon sword. King Harold

sitting bravely on his white charger,

an arrow stuck in his eye.

All his courtiers saying, ''Keep blinking, H.

lt'll work its way out.''

''Have you tried blowing your nose?''

ln the north of England we have a great tradition

called Coronation Street.

Here is a man who is generous to a fault.

Alf Roberts.

His real name of course is Bryan Mosley.

Young Bryan.

- l have a question.

- Yes?

Every week, as you know,

l've got to learn a brand-new script.

That's what it's called.

You know thousands of jokes.

How do you remember them?

Well, er...

Actually, Bryan,

l use a thing called the roll-up technique.

Where you try to get as many laughs

as you can.

l try for 7 TPM - 7 titters per minute.

l'll give you an idea.

l went to the doctor's last week. Nothing wrong,

just to make sure he hadn't crossed me off.

He won't come out and visit.

You can be as sick as a footballer.

l know, because l was going to play for

Liverpool once, but l couldn't spit far enough.

l phoned up. ''Could the doctor visit me?''

''Visit? You must have lost your conkers.

You can have an appointment, 5.45am,

three weeks next Thursday.''

''l could be dead by then.''

''lf you are, get someone to phone in

and cancel the appointment.''

l thought:
l can't stand this. l'll pay.

So l've joined BUPA.

BUPA. B-U-P-A.

British Underpants Prevent 'Acking Coughs.

Yeah. lf you need a bed bath,

a lady comes round with a mop and bucket.

l went to the doctor's,

went into his insulting room.

He said, ''Are you paying or shall l hurt you?''

l said, ''No, no. l'm paying.''

''Take all your clothes off.'' l took all my clothes

off. He went into the next room for a laugh.

He came back in. He said, ''You have to diet.''

l said, ''What colour?''

''No, no...''

He said, ''Do you have any difficulty

passing water?''

''When l go over a bridge l go a bit dizzy.''

He said, ''Oh, you have vertigo?''

''No, l only live round the corner.''

He said, ''You must eat more fibre.''

''What do you think l am, a moth?''

People do terrible things, you know.

There's a fella in Liverpool,

he's had four wooden legs.

He's making a coffee table.

Little old lady went to the doctor's.

She said, ''Doctor, can l have some more

sleeping pills for my husband?''

He said, ''Why?''

She said, ''He's woke up.''

Another old lady goes to the doctor's.

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