Ken Dodd: An Audience with Ken Dodd Page #7
- Year:
- 1994
- 75 min
- 270 Views
''Can l have sleeping tablets to make me sleep?''
''Certainly not. l don't believe in tranquilisers.
lf you can't sleep at night,
do it nature's way, organically.''
''Oh, l can't play one of...''
''No,'' he said. ''No.
Before you go to bed at night
have a little tot of something.''
''l do that already, Doctor.''
''You do?''
Oh, yes, before l go to bed at night,
l have eight whiskies, four gins, two vodkas,
a large brandy, a Martini and an egg flip.''
Doctor said, ''And you can't sleep?''
''No, l'm up all night singing.''
David Hamilton is here.
David, l remember the first time l met you.
lt was at a wedding.
You were standing on top of the cake.
Well, l'd like to ask you a question, Ken, if l may.
You've created a great fantasy world;
Knotty Ash, jam-butty mines, and the Diddymen.
How did it all start?
When l was a little boy,
l used to read the Wizard and the Hotspur.
And at the back in the Wizard
they had advertisements for -
Paul, you got started like that -
itching powder, stink bombs,
''seebackroscopes''.
That's a little mirror you put in your eye.
For an 8-year-old it's essential because you can
tell if an assassin is creeping up behind you.
One day l read an advertisement. lt said,
''Fool teachers, amaze friends! Send sixpence in
stamps. Become a ventriloquist.'' l did, didn't l?
(Dummy's voice) ''Yes.''
He'll tell you.
Stop it. Stop squinting.
You'll give yourself a migraine.
You'll stick like that. That's how l started.
- So you've arrived.
- ''Yes.''
- Pardon?
- ''Yes.''
- Well, squeak up. You got here.
- ''Yes.''
- And you walked all the way?
- ''Yes.''
- You must be very tired.
- ''Yes.''
- But you're glad to be here.
- ''Yes.''
lt's for the kids.
- Can't you say anything but yes?
- ''Yes.''
- What is it?
- ''No.''
lf you've walked all the way
you must be very tired and thirsty.
''Yes.''
Would you like a big bottle of brown beer?
Watch my lips.
and some brown bread and butter, or a shandy?
- ''A shandy.''
- Good. l'm very pleased to hear you say that.
Are you going to do the alphabet backwards?
''Huh?''
The alphabet. 26 letters.
Are you going to do the alphabet backwards?
''No.''
Good, good. Well, l'll tell you what to do...
Sing a song for the audience.
What would you like to sing?
''What do you know?''
Don't mess about. Sing a little song.
What would you like to sing?
''When The Red, Red Robin
Comes Gog, Gog, Gogging Along.''
''Gog, Gog, Gogging?''
- Are you taking the...
- ''Yes.''
Get on with it.
# When there are grey skies...
''Aw... What don't you mind?''
# l don't mind those grey skies
''What do l do, Doddy?''
# You, you make them blue
''Glue?''
(Shrieks of laughter)
No, blue.
''l can't say 'glue'.''
Who's asking you to say 'glue'?
l never said a word about 'glue'!
''l can say 'stick tight'.''
What has 'stick tight' got to do with it?!
- ''lt's glue.''
- l know it's glue!
l know, but there's no 'glue' in the song!
- ''You're shouting.''
- l'm not shouting!
''l'm soaking wet.''
You're not soaking wet! Don't exaggerate!
''You're losing your rag.''
l'm not losing my rag.
Get on with the song. There's no 'glue'
in the song. lt's a song about colours.
''l can say 'green'.''
l don't want you to say 'green'.
lt's not in the song.
Just do the song as is.
''As is?''
Yes, as is. As it is, as it was.
Just do the song as is.
- ''As is?''
- Yes.
''What's my name?''
# Sonny boy
(Coughs)
''Ooooh... What can they do, glue?''
# Let them all forsake me
''Who've you got in the end?''
# l still have you...
''What is my name, as is?''
# Sonny boy
(# Wails)
''What?''
# You're sent from heaven
''You all right, cock?''
# l know your worth...
''Eee, you're ugly.''
''Close to.''
# You've made a heaven for me
right here on earth
''l want to go to the gents.''
(Low voice) You're not the only one!
# And when...when l'm old and grey, dear...
''What d'you mean, when?''
# Promise you won't stray, dear
''l'm gonna be sick.''
# Cos l, l love you so...
''What is my name, as is?''
# Sonny boy!
Thank you. Thank you.
lt's me, missus!
Omar Sharif.
Omar Sharif. Why not?
l've been mistaken for his camel.
Tonight is romantic night, isn't it, girls?
Yes!
Someone's on a promise.
All over Britain tonight romantic, frisky ladies
are sitting up in bed saying, ''Harry...''
(Snoring)
''Harry!''
(Snoring)
''All right, then. Charlie...''
Are you very romantic, missus?
Yes, yes, l can tell. You have very dreamy eyes.
Our next questioner, ladies and gentlemen,
is a young lady who's so full of energy.
She's a wonderful advertisement
for long life batteries.
She's in the front - Miss Su Pollard.
Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
Thank you. Ken.
l've got to tell you, l've never told you this before,
but l've often fantasised
about you and me oscillating.
Really?
l mean, with them teeth you could kiss me
and nibble my earhole at the same time.
That's nice, isn't it?
But, Ken, seriously, do you think it helps
to have a funny face to be a comedian
or don't you mind?
Well, actually, Sue, l can tell you that l am
a sex symbol for women that don't care.
When you're a Casanova like me
you have to keep yourself in shape.
Have you seen me in Baywatch?
l do all the exercises. Every morning
in front of the telly it's, ''Up-down, up-down...''
Then the other eyelid.
l did 25 minutes
running on the spot this morning.
Had my braces caught in the banisters.
l bought all the gymnasium equipment, weights.
l bought one of those rowing machines,
but it sank.
l went to the doctor's for a checkup.
He told me l had to pack up the Sumo wrestling.
Seems l've got nappy rash.
Picture now in your mind's eye - nothing rude.
Just picture the human body now
naked and unashamed.
How is it all the best bits
don't have any bones in?
There are 37 bones in the human neck.
More if you're eating kippers.
Over 285 bones in the human body.
Enough to last the average dog a fortnight.
As the lrishman said
when he saw his X-ray photograph,
''l don't remember eating all those bones.''
l think men's legs have a terrible, lonely life,
don't you?
Men's legs - standing in your trousers
in the dark all day.
Just an occasional flash of sunlight.
(Shrieking and squealing)
Have a look at your legs
when you go to bed tonight.
When you go to bed tonight, sir,
take a torch up to bed with you.
And make a tent.
Have you ever done that? Yes?
You want locking up.
Take...take one of those coloured flashlights
up to bed, shine the green one on your legs.
Give your wife a nudge.
''Hey, Alice, we'll have to lay off the lettuce.''
And scientists and doctors,
they're making tremendous strides.
They're working day and night... Transplants...
One of these days
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