Ken Dodd: An Audience with Ken Dodd Page #8

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Another ear - frighten people.

''l beg your pardon? How dare you talk to me...''

''What do you mean, five items or less?''

You could have another mouth

on the top of your head.

When you're late for work,

stick a bacon sandwich under your cap

and eat it on the way to the bus.

You could have a third eye

on the end of your finger.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Yes, well, as l was saying...

Now the next question...

The next question comes from

every lady's favourite husband,

provided she's not married to him.

From Coronation Street it's Peter Baldwin.

- Young Peter.

- Young. Thank you.

l'm curious. You may not believe it,

but l visit health shops quite a lot.

- Yeah?

- You don't believe it.

No, l do believe it. No, no, no...

ln those health shops they sell such things as

natural remedies and herbal potions.

Yes. Have you ever tried such things?

Oh, yes. Yes.

When you go into these health shops

they smell as if they've got Shergar in the back.

Alternative remedies, yes.

l once went into aromatherapy. Aromatherapy.

lt based on smells, pongs, niffs, woofters.

And er...

Aromatherapy, it's all based on aromatic oils.

You see, the human being, us human beings,

we have a highly-developed sense of smell.

Not as highly developed as dogs.

Dogs have a very...

You wouldn't think so,

some of the things they sniff. But they do.

How would it be if we had the same

highly-sensitive smell?

A lady would stand at the front door at 5:30pm

and say, ''Your dad's just got off the bus.''

Different aromatherapy, different aromatic oils

have a very romantic effect.

Now, rosemary, for instance.

Rosemary is good for a headache.

Well, she always had one when l tried.

Sandalwood - very good for corns and bunions.

Castor oil - very good for athletics.

Half a bottle of that,

you don't need starting blocks.

My Auntie Nelly,

she went on this evening primrose oil.

Oil of evening primrose.

Took it for a year. Got eaten by a caterpillar.

For my complexion l use Oil of Ulay.

lndustrial strength, of course.

That 3-in-1 oil, that's very good for loosening

nuts. So watch what you're doing there.

l do have romantic moments.

l was walking down the road

and this young lady came up to me and said,

''Hello, handsome.

Can you tell me the way to the opticians?''

l used to think l was wonderful.

l used to think l was marvellous in bed.

Then l found out all my girlfriends had asthma.

l was so worried at one time,

l thought l'd consult Dr Ruth.

Have you seen Dr Ruth?

She looks like a little prune.

She talks like Sigmund Freud

and looks like Clement Freud.

l went to Dr Ruth's office. What a woman!

There she was, professional to the last.

Drawing moustaches on Pirelli calendars.

She said, ''Come inside. Where have you left

your motorbike? ls it 500cc?

lt doesn't matter. Size is not important.

Talk to me. l want to hear every mucky

little detail of your grubby little mind.

Do you know the difference

between men and women?''

l said, ''Of course l do. Women are the ones

with squeaky voices who dance backwards.

And keep asking for money.''

She said, ''But do you know...

Do you know how to charm a lady?

Do you know how to make her feel nice?''

l said, ''Of course. By the way,

you've got spinach between your teeth.''

''Are you a considerate partner at home?''

''l always lift my feet up when she's hoovering.''

She said,

''Do you know what an erogenous zone is?''

''l know you can't park there after six o'clock.''

''Have you ever tried an aphrodisiac?''

''l dated a Norwegian girl once. She was nice.''

''Do you believe in safe sex?''

''l've a handrail round the bed.

And l always try to keep one foot on the

ground.''

She said, ''What about your libido?''

''l'm gonna swap it for a Sierra.''

Over here, ladies and gentlemen,

we have a fine figure of a man - Brian Murphy.

Brian Murphy. Just returned from touring

with the Chippendales.

He was on the back row

until the lads in the front row complained.

Well, he kept knocking their hats off.

- Brian, your question, please.

- Yes.

- ln the league table of great lovers...

- Yes, yes.

- ..you and l have scored hundreds of times.

- Of course.

So where do you think the British male...

Does he come out on top?

Where does he stand or lie?

Well, l think British men,

if we have a fault, and l doubt it, it is...

Oh, come on, ladies. You wouldn't swap us.

You wouldn't fancy one of those

Continental Romeos, would you?

Yes!

No, it's too far to go for the spare parts,

for one thing.

Fancy being married to a Frenchman, a Froggy.

Frenchmen are always...

You better look the other way, sir.

This could turn nasty.

How can l put it so it won't frighten the ladies?

Frenchmen are always...''Whoo-hoo-hn!''

You couldn't stand that, missus.

You'd be hiding in the gas cupboard all day.

Shall l shock you, ladies?

You want to be shocked, don't you?

l can do that, l can do alternative comedy.

l was doing alternative comedy

when l was four years old.

My mother said, ''Pull your trousers up.''

Not all that funny.

l don't mind alternative comics -

as long as they don't start telling jokes.

Did you know that...

..that the average Frenchman on a Sunday

afternoon would rather ''whoo-hoo-hn''

than watch Match Of The Day?

They're not normal like we are.

lf we were in France now,

none of these fellas would be in here.

They'd all be out ''Whoo-hoo-hn-ing''.

lf l had any sense l'd be with them.

Probably holding coats, but l'd be there.

Now we're stuck with them,

cos we've got the Channel Tunnel.

What a marvellous achievement.

For years this big thing's been boring -

a bit like myself, actually -

under the English Channel.

And then was it about a year ago,

the final breakthrough?

Did you see it on television?

That was history being made.

You saw it happen before your eyes.

A four-inch hole appeared

in the Channel Tunnel wall,

and for the first time in history

an Englishman reached through

and throttled a Frenchman.

l never knew it had been opened.

As fast as they were digging it their side

our lads were filling it in this side.

They eat snails in France.

Takes them three hours to get to the bathroom.

Did you know, missus,

if a snail was to crawl up your leg

it would be three weeks before you went,

''Oooh!''

Have you seen those French cars? Cars, huh!

They look like sheds on wheels.

When you press the horn it goes,

''Hnh-hah, Hnh-hah''.

We don't need these Continental cars.

l mean, the Volvo.

A lot of people say the Volvo is a bit too heavy.

Mostly people who've been run over by one.

Have you seen the lrish cars?

Four steering wheels - one for each passenger.

Get yourself a British Mini Metro. 85 miles

per gallon. More if there's two pedalling.

Ladies, you wouldn't fancy one of those

handsome ltalians with the black, wavy hair.

(Speaks cod ltalian)

They creep up behind you

when you're doing the sprouts.

(Makes farting noise)

Or Scandinavians. Big, hairy, great Danes.

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