Ken Dodd: An Audience with Ken Dodd Page #9

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Vikings with horns growing out of their hats

and bacon sandwiches strapped to their legs.

Roaming all round Britain

offering housewives free rashers.

Pardon? No, l've no idea what days, love.

My sister, she was engaged to an Eskimo,

but she broke it off.

ln Germany all the hims are Herrs.

They're a funny...

Germans are always tiling bathrooms.

Krauting they call it.

And in Russia everything ends in ''off,''

so you've no chance.

Colin, let's serenade the girls

with a Continental song.

# La Vie En Rose (lntro)

# Take me to your heart again

# Let's make a start again

# Forgiving and forgetting

# Take me to your heart...

Do you know, that's the one word

that terrifies men: ''again''.

That's the one word that frightens the life

out of a man:
''again'.

(Mouths)

Ladies these days are getting domineering,

even a bit bossy sometimes, aren't they, lads?

Yes!

Come on, fellas. Women these days

are getting a bit too pushy, aren't they, lads?

Yes!

- We won't put up with it much longer, will we?

- No!

- What are we gonna do about it?

- Nothing!

Eh? Nothing?

As long as you know what the battle plan is.

All over Britain, all over Britain at night,

men...big men, strong men are lying alone

in bed, trembling with fear under the duvet.

Don't leave me, teddy.

Big men, macho men, lying in bed...

terrified when they hear

Cell Block H finishing downstairs.

And they know she'll shortly be coming up

for a spot of corrective training.

Powerful men. Husbands -

that's a man with the nerve taken out.

Lying fearful when they hear her

getting ready for bed in the bathroom,

gargling with Listerine.

(High-pitched gargling)

Terrified when they hear

the Estee Lauder and the Avon going on.

Phrrrp! Phrrrp! Phrrrp!

Strong men,

terrified of that bathroom door opening and...

She Who Must Be Obeyed comes out.

Wearing one of those pink neglecteds,

a transparent nightie...

Standing there as if she's modelling

for scatter cushions.

Carrying a see-through hot-water bottle,

forcing her attentions on him.

Forcing her attentions...

You shouldn't do that. You mustn't do that, girls.

You mustn't surprise your husband like that.

lt doesn't give him time to think of anybody.

Love and romance,

it's different all over the world.

ln France when a lady's having a romantic

interlude she looks up and says, ''Sacre bleu.

Sacre flippin' bleu!

Whoo-hoo. Toujours l'amour, tonight for sure.''

ln ltaly when a lady's having a romantic

interlude she looks up and says,

''Sempre amore...molto amore!

Sempre amore!''

ln Britain, when a lady's having a romantic

interlude she looks up and says,

''That ceiling needs doing there.

lt's all gone flaky.

l want it all Artexing.''

''How about a fitted wardrobe from B&Q?''

''And when will you do something

about that shed?

There are jobs need doing in this house

and have needed doing for some time.

l will have to get a man in.''

Colin, play me some romantic music.

Soothe the situation.

# Gentle piano

(Hums)

# Ba-ba-ba beep,

bop, bop, boop, boop, boop, boop...

# Boop, boop, boop,

boop, boop, bay, boh

l don't know this one. lt's very nice, isn't it?

Transport us to a land of beautiful love songs.

Who remembers lvor Novello's

''l've Caught My Lilacs ln The Spring Again''?

Beautiful, romantic ballads

that can set men's pulses racing.

''l Can't Get Over A Girl Like You,

So Get Up And Make The Tea Yourself.''

''There Are Tears On My Pillow...

The Rest Of The Bed Seems All Right.''

Finding a new comic talent,

ladies and gentlemen, is like finding a diamond.

And this lad he comes straight from Ratners.

This...

A wonderful new comedian from Liverpool,

Mr John Martin.

- Thank you.

- John Martin.

Ken, l'd like to ask a question.

l've seen you work so many times

and you seem to bridge the generation gap

with laughter.

What do you really think

of the young generation?

Well, l think young people today are very nice,

taken the right way - by the throat.

They laugh at us, you know, the teenagers.

They call us wrinklies. Wrinklies!

How dare they! How would they like it

if we called them Zitsies?

Next time one of them gets on your wick

just say, ''Hello, Zitsy.''

''Ha-ha! How's your pimps?''

Acne, acne, rah, rah, rah!

One word the teenagers can't stand, you know -

Clearasil!

What is a teenager? Somebody who leaves

the house at night in a car

and comes back in a police van.

But you mustn't argue with them. You see

fathers arguing with their 1 5-year-old sons.

They say, ''Son...

Son, can you spare me a moment, son?

Have l ever struck you, son?''

No, you must talk to young people.

You must talk to young people.

And we must listen to what they're saying.

This is what l do.

All over the country when l'm touring,

l try to meet as many young people as l can,

and l talk to them.

And l listen to what they're saying.

What's a pillock?

Oh, it's the same as a plonker. ls it really?

Oh!

l've always known l was a plonker.

l didn't know l was a pillock as well.

l flatter myself.

l get on well with young people.

As a matter of fact they call me a Richard-head.

And er...

''Hello, old Richard-head!'' they shout.

''Go off!'' Or words to that effect.

The vicar said to me last Sunday,

''lsn't it wonderful to see the young people

walking down the road

carrying the Good Book?''

l said, ''They're taking their videos back!''

They hire these videos

all about werewolves and vampires.

Fancy anybody paying good money

to watch someone with long hair and big teeth.

Sitting over here, ladies and gentlemen,

l can see the absolutely beautiful Jane Horrocks

from Absolutely Fabulous.

Lovely Jane.

Hi, Ken. How do you manage to keep topical

with your jokes? Do you use the newspapers?

Yeah... Do l use the newspapers?

We're pretty primitive up north,

but not that...you know.

That was my job, cutting them into little squares.

There's always plenty of new jokes, Jane.

There are as many new jokes every day

as there are people doing daft things.

And we all do daft things, don't we?

Just keep your eyes and ears open.

l mean, a news item, a news item tonight.

Jeremy Paxman was bitten by a dog

on his way to the studio tonight,

but after being given injections and treated

for shock the dog was allowed to go home.

The ones l like best in the newspapers

are the advertisement columns.

For sale:
vaulting pole, slightly imperfect,

would suit enthusiastic midget.

For sale:
300 copies of Playboy Magazine

and assorted sex toys.

Would exchange for Zimmer frame

and orthopaedic bed.

Personal column:
Short, squat,

ugly, bald-headed pensioner

wishes to meet tall, wealthy, beautiful blonde

with a view to a warm, passionate relationship.

Sense of humour essential.

Personal column:

Arthur, l think of you every night

as l lie waiting for your touch.

PS. l'm on the other side of the bed.

Your wife, Doris.

This is what happens.

How does a man know when he's growing old?

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