Ken Dodd: An Audience with Ken Dodd Page #10

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lt comes on you all of a sudden.

lt's all right for you ladies.

A man has to realise he's growing old -

little things tell him.

- (Sniggering)

- Do you mind, please?

A man's life is like a long journey.

And during his lifetime

a man has to travel so many weary miles.

Down lanes, crossing plains,

climbing mountains, fording rivers.

And all the time during his life

a man is searching.

Oh, he's searching for...the truth.

Then one day everything starts to click.

Your neck, your back, your knees, your elbows...

When you fall out of bed in the morning

you sound like a maraca band.

Your wife's in the bathroom going

''Cha-cha-cha. Cha-cha-cha.''

You get no sympathy when you're not well.

''You're not gonna be off work, are you?''

A man has to realise

he's not as young as he used to was.

ln the autumn of his life there signs that tell him.

You get out of breath playing chess.

Your wedding suit comes back into fashion.

You have to use both hands to clean your teeth.

Oh, you still chase after girls,

but you can't remember why.

And your wife doesn't mind you

chasing after girls.

Cos as she says, ''Our dog chases after cars

and he can't drive.''

You wake up one morning

and find you've got a bald-headed son.

Your wife makes you wear dark trousers

when you go out.

''You can't walk down the road like that.

Go and stand by the fire for ten minutes.''

''Here, l'll use the hair dryer on you.''

''All right.''

When you do go out,

people start helping you onto the bus...

..when you've just got off the blasted thing.

Now, ladies never grow old. Do you, girls?

No.

You look so beautiful tonight.

And you always will look beautiful, ladies.

Ladies are always beautiful.

But you'll know you're knocking on a little bit,

because at Christmas time everybody

gives you lavender bath cubes for Christmas.

Your family start taking you home early

from parties.

''Tell her...tell her not to sit like that.''

(Mouths)

''You've got to go home now, Gran.''

''l'd like a snowball!''

''You might hurt someone.

You've got to go home now.

You've got a big day tomorrow.

You're having your feet done.''

You'll never grow old. You know why?

Cos you've all got lovely chuckle muscles.

lt keeps you young,

your chuckle muscle.

And if you exercise your chuckle muscle

every day and have a good laugh,

or better still, make somebody else laugh,

you'll always stay young and frisky and healthy.

But if you don't use your chuckle muscle,

it dries up and drops off.

Tonight we've heard the most beautiful sound

in the world -

the sound of laughter and happiness.

Forget all your troubles.

l'm fully paid up now till 1 975.

They still write to me.

They said they'd keep in touch.

l got a Christmas card from them. lt said,

'''Tis more blessed to give than to receive.''

Two hundred years we've been paying this lot.

Two hundred years ago this barmy MP,

he's sitting in Westminster one afternoon,

he's got nothing to do and he's going...

He thinks, ''l know! l know, l'll invent income tax!

l'll invent income tax.''

And so he did - 200 years ago.

ln those days, it was tuppence in the pound.

l thought it still was.

Ladies and gentlemen,

thank you for being a wonderful...

(Cheering and whistling)

Thank you, thank you...

Thank you for being a tattifularious

and a plumptious audience!

We wish you good health, the time to enjoy it,

and lots and lots of happiness!

# Happiness, happiness

# The greatest gift that we possess

# l thank the Lord that l've been blessed

# With more than my share of happiness

Here we go now!

# To me this world is a wonderful place

# l'm the luckiest human in the human race

# l've got no silver and l've got no gold

# But l've got happiness in my soul

# Happiness to me is an ocean tide

# A sunset fading on a mountainside

# A big old heaven full of stars above

# When l'm in the arms of the one l love

# Oh, happiness, happiness

# The greatest gift that we possess

# l thank the Lord that we've been blessed

# With more than our share of...

Everybody!

# Happiness, oh, happiness

# The greatest gift that we possess

# l thank the Lord that l've been blessed

# With more than my share of happiness

# l've got more than our share of

# Hap-pi-ness!

- Happiness for you!

- (Cheering)

Happiness for you!

(Cheering continues)

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