Kes Page #4

- Nowt, sir.

- Get off! In that changin' room! Get off!

- I didn't say nowt, sir.

- Off!

- I won't tolerate that on a football pitch.

- That's our captain, sir.

I don't care who he is.

You play this game like gentlemen.

Right inside!

An early bath for you, lad.

- I'll bounce the ball up.

- It's not fair! They never get sent off!

- I shall be up there in a minute!

- They never get sent off, sir.

Off!

What d'you think you two are doing?

- What are you doing?

- Practising, sir.

Show me what you're doing.

Casper!

Casper, what do you think you are, lad?

An ape?

- All he needs now is a banana.

- Get down. I'll make you red hot.

Thank you. Now, for my next trick...

I'll show you a trick! Get back in that goal!

- What's up?

- That hurt. That ball, it's hard as iron.

Ar, I know. It's like a stone, innit?

- I'm bloody freezin'.

- My feet are like blocks o' ice.

Me knees, look at 'em. They're goin' pale.

Look at t'colour. It's gone white.

Oh, I wish l'd brought a note.

- Great goal, that, sir.

- I'll give yer "great goal", lad.

- Spurs into the sixth round of t'Cup.

- Sixth round? I'll give you six of the best.

- Lost again, sir?

- Fetch my tracksuit.

- Better luck next time.

- Disgusting!

- In a hurry, Casper?

- I have to get home, sir.

- Really?

- Yes, sir.

- Forgotten something?

- No, sir.

- Are you sure?

- Yes, sir.

- What about the showers?

- I've had one, sir.

- You can ask any of 'em, sir.

- I'll just do that.

- Have you seen him have a shower?

- No, sir.

- Have you?

- No, sir.

- Have you?

- No, sir.

- Have you seen him have a shower?

- Who, sir?

- Casper.

- When, sir?

- Just now. Has he had a shower?

- Had a shower, sir?

Has Casper had a shower?

What you fooling about at, lad?

Has Casper had a shower?

- I don't think so, sir.

- Speed, you'll get what Casper just had.

No one's seen you have a shower,

Casper. Cos you haven't had one.

- Me mam says I ain't to have a shower.

- Come here. What's your mother say?

I ain't to have a shower, sir.

I've got a cold.

- Where's your note, then?

- Can I bring it this afternoon, sir?

That's no good, lad. I want one now.

Any boy wishing to be excused

physical education, or showers,

must, at the time of the lesson,

produce a sealed letter of explanation

signed by one of his parents

or his legal guardian.

- Go on, sir, let me go home.

- You can go, lad.

Hey, come here.

When you've had a shower.

- I haven't a towel, sir.

- Borrow one.

- Nobody'll lend me one.

- Have a drip-dry, then. Shower, come on.

- MacDowall.

- Sir?

Come here, lad.

Come here. What's this?

Our dog did it, sir.

- Your dog did it?

- Aye.

lt bit me while I were fightin' it last night.

A dog wearing nylons, lads.

Bloody heck!

- Still in a hurry?

- Can I go now, sir?

- Have a proper wash.

- I've had one, sir.

- In the shower, lad. In the shower.

- I've got to get home.

ln the shower.

Ryder, Speed, come here.

Yes, you two. Come on.

Stay here and see that

he doesn't come out.

- Do what, sir?

- I said, stay there.

See that he doesn't come out.

Agh! Sir! It's gone cold!

Got a sweat on, Casper? I thought you

might need a cooler after your exertions.

It's not right, sir. I'll catch me death

of cold in here. It's not right.

Was it right when you

let that goal in deliberately?

- Can't we go for us dinners?

- No, you can stay there.

- We're servers.

- I don't care. They can serve themselves.

You shouldn't put me in goal.

You know I'm useless.

Now's your chance to learn.

Shall we let him out, sir?

He'll catch his death of cold.

- He'll catch pneumonia.

- I don't care what he gets.

lf he thinks I'm running

my blood to water for 90 minutes,

for him to deliberately throw the game

away, he's got another think coming.

Sir, we've got to go for us dinner.

- Get down!

- He looks like a bleedin' snake!

Think yourself lucky.

- 'Ey up, Jud. How yer doin'?

- Rough, man.

Why? You should be on top of the world

on a day like today.

Another ten minutes

and I'll be at t'bottom of it.

# Only, O Lord, in Thy dear love

# Fit us for perfect rest above

# And help us this and every day

# To live more nearly as we pray

# Amen

This morning's reading is taken from

Matthew, chapter 18, verses 10-1 4.

"Never despise one of these little ones,

I tell you."

"They have their guardian angels

in heaven

who look continually

on the face of my heavenly father."

"Suppose a man has a hundred sheep.

lf one of them strays,

does he not leave

the other 99 on the hillside

and go in search of the one that strayed?"

"And if he should find it, I tell you this,

he is more delighted over that sheep

than over the 99 that never strayed."

"ln the same way,

it is not your heavenly father's will

that one of these little ones should be

lost." Here ends this morning's reading.

Stop! Stop that infernal coughing.

Every morning alike. Clear your throats

on the way to school, not here.

Sounds more like a dirt track

than an assembly hall.

Come out! Come out, that boy!

Who coughed? Mr Hesketh,

somewhere near you, I think.

Fetch that boy out!

MacDowall, it was you.

You were coughing.

- lt weren't.

- Yes, it was. I heard you.

- lt weren't, sir.

- Don't argue.

- lt weren't me, honest.

- Headmaster's study.

MacDowall! I might have known!

Get to my office!

- lt weren't me, sir.

- And heaven help you.

We will now say the Lord's Prayer.

Hands together, eyes closed.

Our Father...

Our Father

which art in heaven,

hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come.

Thy will be done...

- Does he bite yer?

- He's had a little kid's hand off nearly.

Has it? My, my, my!

What's it fastened on? A wire?

Aye. It's broke this off an' all.

Just darted at t'kid and got him.

Well, I don't know, I'm sure.

ls that what you've got t'glove on for?

- Yeah. Just in case it gets me.

- Aye. Aye.

- What d'yer call it?

- Kes.

Kes? Aye. He is a nice bird.

I shouldn't like to handle him.

Casper! Casper! Up, lad! On yer feet!

- You were asleep, weren't you, Casper?

- I don't know, sir.

I know! You were. You were asleep.

Why were you asleep,

you irreverent scoundrel?

- Don't know, sir.

- I know why!

You were roaming the streets at night

instead of being home in bed.

See me in my office afterwards! I'll give

you something to sleep about! Sit!

Here are the announcements.

The youth employment officer will be

here today to meet the Easter leavers.

Your parents should have been told.

lf any boy has forgotten and thinks his

parents may wish to attend his interview,

then he can consult the list on the main

notice board for the approximate times.

And finally, for three members

of the smokers' union

caught yesterday behind

the games storeroom,

there will be a meeting

with me after assembly,

when I will be pleased to see

and hear them pay their dues.

He'd better not stick me.

I'm fetchin' me father up if he does.

What yer bringin' yer father down for?

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