Kevin Bridges: The Story So Far - Live in Glasgow Page #4

woodwork class, just sitting there,

just going...

And he'd face the class and just say, "Right,

kids, I've had a tough, tough weekend."

"I've had a tough

time this weekend.

"I was supposed to go to IKEA,

"but I spent a week's

wages in Oddbins.

"So one of yous wee pricks

make me a spice rack."

When you were 12, that

was a lot of stress.

Now, PE. We're in the middle

of an obesity epidemic.

Do you know about PE? Not a

lot of young people exercising.

Do you exercise?

- What's your exercise

of choice? Football.

Football. Do you play for a team?

- Just five-a-side?

Seven-a-side.

Just the kind of guy, just go...

I play five-a-sides. I'm the kind

of guy, I just go for the shower.

You know, they play five-a-side on Sunday,

they just stay in goal for the whole game,

then as soon as the game finishes, they start

whipping people in the arse with a towel.

Now, we're in the middle

of an obesity epidemic.

I don't know if we've got

any fat people in the room.

Have we got any fat people in?

I'm a little bit rotund myself.

I don't mean I'm fat.

I give myself "chubby".

I'm not documentary fat.

Never gonna turn on Channel 4 on a

Tuesday night and see a guy like me,

"Tonight, we meet

the 14-stone man."

"That looks disgusting."

"Anybody watch that 14-stone

man last night? Shocking.

"Showed you this guy, he couldn't

even do 20 minutes on the treadmill.

"It showed you the

guy having his dinner.

"He ate a gammon

steak and oven chips,

"and then he ate

five Jaffa Cakes,

and a Penguin."

"14 stone!

"It's on again next

week. The guy's shocking."

People always get flawed

perceptions of their size.

And it works in a

few different ways.

I'll use women as

an example here.

You know you get girls who are skinny,

but they think they're a bit chubby?

Girls who are chubby

think they're fat,

fat girls think they're obese,

and then obese girls

think they're supermodels.

They're the happy people.

They're the ones hanging out

of limousines on a Friday night

going...

The driver's going, "Can you lean in,

please? You're gonna f***ing... That's right."

They're the first ones on the

karaoke. They're the happy people.

I tried exercising.

I took up swimming.

I tried to go swimming.

I went to my local...

Thank you. I went

to my local pool.

Don't know if anybody here's ever

been to the local public pool.

You don't need to be a member

in your local public pool.

Anybody can go. And they mean

that, they mean anybody can go.

Anything. Anybody. Anything

can go. Anybody can go.

When I took up swimming, I tried

to go to my local public pool.

I work at night time,

so I need to attend my

local public pool daytime.

Now, in a public swimming pool,

on, for example, a Wednesday afternoon,

it attracts a certain clientele.

And I noticed this one day.

I was in the public

pool Wednesday afternoon,

I had done my length.

Then I stopped

'cause I was f***ed.

But I made it look cool.

You know, when you put

your elbows up on the tiles.

And I was shocked. I looked

around in my public pool,

on this Wednesday afternoon,

and I noticed in a public swimming

pool on a Wednesday afternoon,

there are three kinds of people.

I'm going to be honest here.

Three kinds, a bit of honesty

here, three kinds of people

in a public pool on

a Wednesday afternoon.

I seen toddlers, right. Toddlers.

Paedophiles.

And the mentally handicapped.

Now, I felt self-conscious. It's

pretty obvious, I am not a toddler.

There comes a point in life you

need to start making decisions.

You need to think fast. You need to

start taking your swimming gear down

inside a Farmfoods bag,

to show you're not a paedo,

you're just a bit mental.

Try to cut a swimming cap

out of a Farmfoods bag.

'Cause everybody that carries a

Farmfoods bag has got a screw loose.

That is...

I don't mean mentally

handicapped, just a bit mad, right.

That is the universal sign for "Do

not approach me." The Farmfoods bag.

I don't mean people with

three or four Farmfoods bags.

They've just been

shopping in Farmfoods.

It's that one single,

solitary, slightly faded...

"This is my Farmfoods bag.

"There are many others like

it, but this one is mine."

I'd seen a guy with an

inside-out Farmfoods bag.

That is a statement of intent, isn't

it? An inside-out Farmfoods bag.

Like I said, we've got

an obesity epidemic.

Don't know if the facilities...

So we've got an obesity epi...

You've got a bigger waist as well. And

it means you need to shop in shitholes.

You know, you walk in somewhere trendy

like Topshop for a pair of jeans.

Somewhere trendier than

that, maybe. River Island.

Walk into River

Island and some...

you know the sales assistants

that work in these places...

some indie-band freak show,

they come bouncing

across to serve you.

"Hey, man! Yeah! Whoo!"

Telling you to "chill-ax".

"Why don't you just chill-ax, man?"

Anybody ever told you to chill-ax?

They've took the word

"chill" and the word "relax"

and combined them to make ironically the

most infuriating word there's ever been.

Well, they come bouncing over.

They've got that kind of energy and

enthusiasm that oozes from people

who have never been

punched in the face.

But you require this

guy's assistance.

You're in Topshop,

they sell jeans.

You're in Topshop,

you need jeans.

So I had to say, "Excuse me, mate.

Can I try on these jeans, please,

"in a 36-inch waist."

And his enthusiasm...

"Is that you? Good to see

you again. Hey, 36-inch..."

Try a 38.

Try a 38?

F*** you, man.

I asked the guy to try the jeans on in

a 38-inch waist. Good call, all right?

Shut it! 38-inch waist.

Regardless, 36, 38-inch

waist. You say to the guy,

"Can I try these jeans

on in a 40-inch waist?"

Thirty-eight-inch waist. And the

guy, his enthusiasm just drains.

And he looks at you, appalled.

You know, that way you

would look at somebody

if they just took a

shite in your kettle.

Imagine if somebody took a shite in your kettle

- you'd be furious, wouldn't you?

That's a social faux pas.

"Did you shite in the kettle?"

"I don't come to your house

and shite in your kettle.

"You've changed, man."

Shiteing in kettles.

So I started shopping in

proper shithole clothes shops.

You don't get judged in a

proper shithole clothes shop.

I was in a place

called Dunnes Stores.

It's the hot new up-and-coming

shithole clothes shop on the scene.

Somewhere between

Primark and shoplifting.

Now, I've got a theory

about clothes shops.

I find in a clothes shop,

the cheaper the clothes,

the more aggressive the customer.

Anybody ever done that thing,

you'd be in a shop and

you confuse another shopper

for being a member

of the staff, right?

You go to ask them a question,

and they go, "I don't actually...

"I don't actually work here."

And you go, "I thought

you worked here."

And you both share a

chuckle and move on.

It's finished. However, in Dunnes

Stores, it's no laughing matter.

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