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Kevin Bridges: The Story So Far - Live in Glasgow Page #5
- Year:
- 2010
- 120 min
- 236 Views
The cheaper the clothes, the more
aggressive the customer, right.
Tensions run through the
roof in these kind of places.
I was in this dump
when a guy said to me,
said, "Excuse me. Excuse me.
"Excuse me, buddy!
"How much?
"How much are these?"
And I said...
"I don't actually
work here, buddy."
And he said, "That's not
what I f***ing asked you."
Dunnes Stores. That
was my first ever,
my first ever
job. Part-time job.
I used to work in
TK Maxx. TK Maxx.
Thank you. TK Maxx.
I was in charge of the
changing rooms. That was my job.
I was the guy that would count
your items, then give you a number.
So, if you trying on three
items, I gave you number three.
And if you were trying on four
items, I gave you a number four.
But we only had
numbers one to six.
And this one time a woman
And everybody was
f***ing freaking out.
I said, "Calm ourselves", you
know. "Let's just calm ourselves."
"Give me the six.
Give me the one."
Problem solved.
Unemployment. That
was my first ever job.
I used to study...
I used to study psychology for
three weeks. That was my thing.
Psychology. Three weeks
studying psychology.
Get a bit freaked out. Sigmund
Freud, he was a sex pest.
He'd a theory that young guys have
sexual feelings towards their own mothers.
I remember reading this and thinking the
guy has obviously never seen my mother.
A lovely woman, but he
wouldn't ride her into battle.
I've been unemployed. I feel
sorry for anybody unemployed...
to go through in your life.
I remember being
in the job centre.
renamed The Shite Job Centre.
You never walk by a job
centre and see in the window,
"Forensic detective required."
"Barrister required."
It's always, "Customer Service
Advisor's Assistant required."
"Could you make the tea for
the guy who makes the coffee?"
I remember being
in the job centre.
Everything is:
"Must haveexperience, must have qualifications".
I'm just a d*ckhead,
never had much of that.
Last option, just left
school, you can join the army.
And you've got the British
Army recruitment desk.
You've got the two guys
there, Robson and Jerome.
With the berets on.
The guy's going, "Come here,
son. Be the best. Come on."
"D'you want to get shot?
We'll get you shot. Come on."
I'm thinking, "Me, join the army?
"T-Mobile just said I don't have
enough qualification to sell phones.
"Microsoft just said I don't have
enough experience to answer phones.
"And you want to give
me a machine gun?"
The war on terror. That was supposed to be Obama's thing
- he was gonna end that.
Obama. They get quite excited...
Have we got any
Americans in the room?
Hell, yeah.
Just one guy doing
a shite accent.
They don't normally come
to Glasgow, the Americans.
They visit Edinburgh when they come.
Have we got any Edinburghers here?
Big boo for Edinburghers.
I don't mean this in a disrespectful
way, but I've never really heard the term
"Edinburghers". You know
when you hear a conversation,
and I don't mean this
in a disparaging way,
you hear a conversation in
Scotland, there's an Invernesian,
an Aberdonian, a Dundonian, a
Glaswegian, and a c*nt from Edinburgh.
It's true. You never
hear "Edinburghers".
It's "c*nt from Edinburgh",
that's what they're called.
Good to see we've got a few c*nts
from Edinburgh made it through.
Now, I love the Americans in Edinburgh.
I love them. They're enthusiastic.
You know, up at Edinburgh Castle, the
Americans thinking it's a high school.
'Cause they hear
gunshots every lunchtime.
I've been travelling on this
tour. We were in Belfast.
Belfast, for a couple of nights. I like
Belfast. It's got a kind of vibrant atmosphere.
There's a good chance things could
go off at any minute in Belfast.
What I mean by vibrant, I was walking
through Botanic Avenue in Belfast,
there's a coffee
shop called Clements.
In their window it says, "Clements.
We're religious about coffee."
Which I thought was a slightly
ambiguous mission statement
for the city centre of Belfast.
"A cappuccino, you
feinian bastard."
I was at a Christian
rock festival.
Never meant to be there.
Christian rock fest. I was just passing
through the Christian celebration festival,
there was a stall set up
that said, "A free toastie
"for all of God's children."
A free toastie.
So I thought, "Sha'mon!"
I said, "Good afternoon. Good
afternoon, sir, May I have a toastie?"
And the guy said,
"Are you a Christian?"
And I thought, "Well, if I'm not a
Christian, am I not getting a toastie?"
"That's very un-Christian."
And the guy crumbled under
the weight of my argument.
And he said, "Okay, you can
have cheese or cheese and ham."
And I said, "Oh,
just cheese, mate.
"'Cause I'm a Jew."
That's how you get a free
toastie off the Lord people.
You know the big debate
between religion and science?
You know, atheism's
becoming quite cool in 2010.
The big debate between
religion and science.
purely on a basic level.
Remember at school, you know,
science was quite difficult.
Right?
You had to read stuff
and remember stuff, right?
Whereas religious was a skive.
Just some guilt-ridden middle-aged
women reading passages from the Bible
to a class full of hyperactive adolescents
that's pissing themselves laughing
at something that's been
drawn on the blackboard.
I mean, that was a skive.
I'd like to believe in something.
I mean, you don't just live and
then die and that's it, finish.
I'd like to believe there's
something bigger than this.
Know what I mean? It's hard.
You think, where's the evidence?
If there's a God, why
is there so much evil?
And why is there famine, corruption
and greed, stuff like that?
Maybe you need to make up
your own theories, right?
I've combined a bit of
religion, a bit of atheism
and came to my own conclusions.
Maybe God created the world,
but then he f***ed off.
He's God, he's gonna have more
than one property, ain't he?
Maybe we've got the place to
ourselves. We've got an empty.
This is the world.
And like all good empties,
it's got a bit out of hand.
That's why you've get
terrorism, corruption, greed.
Maybe God will come
back one day and go,
"Look at the f***ing
state of this place."
"Everybody get out."
With your world leaders
and corrupt bankers,
people shuffling
at the door going,
"Sorry, we never thought you were
coming back, mate. Sorry about the mess."
The Pope, certainly now the
Pope knows he's getting grounded.
"I'll speak to you
in a minute, Pope."
No, live and let live. Believe what you want to
believe, unless you're a dick, that's my motto.
Anybody vote in election?
Anybody get interested in
our big election this year?
I watched the three leadership
debates and I thought, "Wow!
"I'm definitely going to draw a
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"Kevin Bridges: The Story So Far - Live in Glasgow" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 29 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/kevin_bridges:_the_story_so_far_-_live_in_glasgow_11685>.
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