Kevin Bridges: The Story So Far - Live in Glasgow Page #5

The cheaper the clothes, the more

aggressive the customer, right.

Tensions run through the

roof in these kind of places.

I was in this dump

when a guy said to me,

said, "Excuse me. Excuse me.

"Excuse me, buddy!

"How much?

"How much are these?"

And I said...

"I don't actually

work here, buddy."

And he said, "That's not

what I f***ing asked you."

Dunnes Stores. That

was my first ever,

my first ever

job. Part-time job.

I used to work in

TK Maxx. TK Maxx.

Thank you. TK Maxx.

I was in charge of the

changing rooms. That was my job.

I was the guy that would count

your items, then give you a number.

So, if you trying on three

items, I gave you number three.

And if you were trying on four

items, I gave you a number four.

But we only had

numbers one to six.

And this one time a woman

was trying on seven items.

And everybody was

f***ing freaking out.

I said, "Calm ourselves", you

know. "Let's just calm ourselves."

"Give me the six.

Give me the one."

Problem solved.

Unemployment. That

was my first ever job.

I remember being unemployed.

I used to study...

I used to study psychology for

three weeks. That was my thing.

Psychology. Three weeks

studying psychology.

Get a bit freaked out. Sigmund

Freud, he was a sex pest.

He'd a theory that young guys have

sexual feelings towards their own mothers.

I remember reading this and thinking the

guy has obviously never seen my mother.

A lovely woman, but he

wouldn't ride her into battle.

I've been unemployed. I feel

sorry for anybody unemployed...

it's a pretty tough time

to go through in your life.

I remember being

in the job centre.

I think job centres should be

renamed The Shite Job Centre.

You never walk by a job

centre and see in the window,

"Forensic detective required."

"Barrister required."

It's always, "Customer Service

Advisor's Assistant required."

"Could you make the tea for

the guy who makes the coffee?"

I remember being

in the job centre.

Everything is:
"Must have

experience, must have qualifications".

I'm just a d*ckhead,

never had much of that.

Last option, just left

school, you can join the army.

And you've got the British

Army recruitment desk.

You've got the two guys

there, Robson and Jerome.

With the berets on.

The guy's going, "Come here,

son. Be the best. Come on."

"D'you want to get shot?

We'll get you shot. Come on."

I'm thinking, "Me, join the army?

"T-Mobile just said I don't have

enough qualification to sell phones.

"Microsoft just said I don't have

enough experience to answer phones.

"And you want to give

me a machine gun?"

The war on terror. That was supposed to be Obama's thing

- he was gonna end that.

Obama. They get quite excited...

Have we got any

Americans in the room?

Hell, yeah.

Just one guy doing

a shite accent.

They don't normally come

to Glasgow, the Americans.

They visit Edinburgh when they come.

Have we got any Edinburghers here?

Big boo for Edinburghers.

I don't mean this in a disrespectful

way, but I've never really heard the term

"Edinburghers". You know

when you hear a conversation,

and I don't mean this

in a disparaging way,

you hear a conversation in

Scotland, there's an Invernesian,

an Aberdonian, a Dundonian, a

Glaswegian, and a c*nt from Edinburgh.

It's true. You never

hear "Edinburghers".

It's "c*nt from Edinburgh",

that's what they're called.

Good to see we've got a few c*nts

from Edinburgh made it through.

Now, I love the Americans in Edinburgh.

I love them. They're enthusiastic.

You know, up at Edinburgh Castle, the

Americans thinking it's a high school.

'Cause they hear

gunshots every lunchtime.

I've been travelling on this

tour. We were in Belfast.

Belfast, for a couple of nights. I like

Belfast. It's got a kind of vibrant atmosphere.

There's a good chance things could

go off at any minute in Belfast.

What I mean by vibrant, I was walking

through Botanic Avenue in Belfast,

there's a coffee

shop called Clements.

In their window it says, "Clements.

We're religious about coffee."

Which I thought was a slightly

ambiguous mission statement

for the city centre of Belfast.

"A cappuccino, you

feinian bastard."

I was at a Christian

rock festival.

Never meant to be there.

Christian rock fest. I was just passing

through the Christian celebration festival,

there was a stall set up

that said, "A free toastie

"for all of God's children."

A free toastie.

So I thought, "Sha'mon!"

I said, "Good afternoon. Good

afternoon, sir, May I have a toastie?"

And the guy said,

"Are you a Christian?"

And I thought, "Well, if I'm not a

Christian, am I not getting a toastie?"

"That's very un-Christian."

And the guy crumbled under

the weight of my argument.

And he said, "Okay, you can

have cheese or cheese and ham."

And I said, "Oh,

just cheese, mate.

"'Cause I'm a Jew."

That's how you get a free

toastie off the Lord people.

You know the big debate

between religion and science?

You know, atheism's

becoming quite cool in 2010.

The big debate between

religion and science.

I would always take religion,

purely on a basic level.

Remember at school, you know,

science was quite difficult.

Right?

You had to read stuff

and remember stuff, right?

Whereas religious was a skive.

Just some guilt-ridden middle-aged

women reading passages from the Bible

to a class full of hyperactive adolescents

that's pissing themselves laughing

at something that's been

drawn on the blackboard.

I mean, that was a skive.

I'd like to believe in something.

I mean, you don't just live and

then die and that's it, finish.

I'd like to believe there's

something bigger than this.

Know what I mean? It's hard.

You think, where's the evidence?

If there's a God, why

is there so much evil?

And why is there famine, corruption

and greed, stuff like that?

Maybe you need to make up

your own theories, right?

I've combined a bit of

religion, a bit of atheism

and came to my own conclusions.

Maybe God created the world,

but then he f***ed off.

He's God, he's gonna have more

than one property, ain't he?

Maybe we've got the place to

ourselves. We've got an empty.

This is the world.

And like all good empties,

it's got a bit out of hand.

That's why you've get

terrorism, corruption, greed.

Maybe God will come

back one day and go,

"Look at the f***ing

state of this place."

"Everybody get out."

With your world leaders

and corrupt bankers,

people shuffling

at the door going,

"Sorry, we never thought you were

coming back, mate. Sorry about the mess."

The Pope, certainly now the

Pope knows he's getting grounded.

"I'll speak to you

in a minute, Pope."

No, live and let live. Believe what you want to

believe, unless you're a dick, that's my motto.

Did election fever grab you?

Anybody vote in election?

Anybody get interested in

our big election this year?

I watched the three leadership

debates and I thought, "Wow!

"I'm definitely going to draw a

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