Kevin Bridges: The Story So Far - Live in Glasgow Page #6

cock and balls on the ballot paper."

It was quite good when Gordon

Brown got caught on the microphone.

You know, they said he just got unlucky

'cause a microphone just died as...

It just managed to catch

him saying what he said.

I think he got pretty lucky.

If the microphone had stayed on

we'd have heard what

he really thought.

"Oh, just some bigoted

old woman, you know.

"Whose idea was that?

Was that Sue's idea?

"Absolute disaster.

Just a bigoted old...

"What she needed was a good f***ing

ride, that's what she needs."

"Eastern European immigrants. Just

a good cock, that's what she needs."

You need Eastern European immigrants.

I was in a party with Polish people.

There was one Polish guy, I

was speaking to him, right,

the Polish guy never spoke any

English, and I don't speak much Polish.

So it became apparent

that a conversation would present some

significant linguistical challenges.

And I remembered I done some

French when I was younger.

French

- find the common denominator with the Polish guy.

So I said, eh,

"Parlez-vous franais?"

And the Polish guy

says, "Oui. "

I'm going,

"Cool."

See, "parlez-vous franais"

is kind of all I've got in the tank.

But the Polish guy now

thinks I speak French, so...

He's going:

"Oui. "

Next day, "Who told that Polish guy

he could take a shite in the kettle?"

You need a bit of immigration

in the world. No, you need a few.

I feel sorry for asylum seekers.

Their applications get expelled,

they get accused of lying.

Lying about being in danger.

I think if somebody's prepared to travel

thousands of miles in the back of a lorry,

starving themselves for weeks, risking

their lives at the border controls,

just to get a council

flat in Sighthill,

something's frightening

the shite out of them.

You know the BNP, this year they got forced

to allow non-white people to join the BNP.

I thought that was pretty cool.

I'd encourage people

from every ethnic group

to join the BNP.

Ruin their party.

I'd love to live in a country where

the white supremacists are black.

"I'm supposed to be racist. Who's

this guy? How is he in my team?"

We had a bit of racial animosity

in this city, in Glasgow,

when we got our terrorist

attack. Remember that?

Glasgow airport, we got our

own little terrorist attack.

Pretty proud of that.

Kind of put us on the map.

Islamic fundamentalists attacked New

York, Madrid, London and then Glasgow.

We were f***ing flattered.

My dad had a tear in his

eye. "It's a proud day, son."

I saw it on the telly.

"Well, I've been there."

"I've parked there!"

And everybody had a laugh,

but terrorism does

have a negative side.

It did create a kind

of racial divide.

I witnessed this firsthand on a

train, going down south on this train.

Just me sitting here

and a middle-aged guy

sitting just along a bit.

Now, a couple of stops later,

a women of Asian appearance

boarded the train and sat

beside the middle-aged guy,

who immediately stood

up and walked away.

You ever seen that film

Snakes on a Plane?

This was jakes on a

train, right? That's funny.

Walked away...

The middle-aged guy stood

up and just walked away

and sat beside me.

He started to nudge me.

You know that way a scumbag presumes

you're also gonna be a scumbag?

Nudging me, and he's pointing,

and he said, "I don't fancy

sitting beside her, pal.

"No chance. She'll be one

of their suicide bombers.

"I'm taking no chances."

I thought, "I can see

your logic here, mate,

"you thought she might

be a suicide bomber.

"So you've came and

sat four seats away?"

Seriously underestimating

the power of Semtex.

"Think she's got a stink bomb?"

"This is the jihad for Allah!"

"Oh, it's f***ing bowfin here!"

"Open that window. Smelly

Taliban bastards. Oh..."

That is disgusting.

Somebody got a can of Febreze?

There's been a terrorist attack.

That is absolutely minging.

And you're stuck with

the guy the whole way.

Going down south,

going to London.

The guy said, "You going to London?"

And I said, "I'm going to London."

And he said, "I

don't like London."

Guys like me and you, mate, we

are the foreigners in London.

They're coming over here, mate,

and they're speaking Punjabi.

I loved the way the

guy said "Punjabi".

It was pretty funny.

"They're speaking Punjabi."

"And wearing these burkas,

mate. This is our country.

If they want to come

into our country,

"they should at least be

adapting to our culture."

And I'm looking at this guy,

thinking, "I bet when he goes abroad,

"he really blends in."

Walking about Lanzarote

looking for a Greggs.

"You don't understand my accent?

A Daily Record, you dick!"

The summertime's approaching.

Holiday time's coming up.

Anybody going on holiday?

Oh, yeah!

I've been on a few

different types of holidays.

I went on holiday when I was

younger, like seven years old,

there was a big age gap

between me and my brother.

So I had to go at

seven years old,

with just me, my mum and dad,

and I'd be bored on the first day.

My mum would say, "Don't worry.

Don't worry. I'll find you a wee pal.

"Don't worry, we'll find you a wee friend.

We'll find you somebody to play with."

You get introduced

to some little stray.

He would come with a disclaimer.

"Kevin, this is Brandon. Brandon,

he doesn't like the pool."

And I'd say, "Hi, Brandon."

He'd say, "Hi, Kev."

Brandon doesn't

like the sunshine.

Brandon doesn't play football.

Brilliant! Two weeks in

Majorca, sitting in the shade

playing Connect

Four with an albino.

Now, you go on holiday,

lying around the pool,

relaxing during the day,

and here comes this guy

with a T-shirt on and a whistle,

who's the leader of the kids' club.

This prick. Leader

of the kids' club.

Blowing his whistle, trying to

get the kids into the shallow end

for a game of water polo.

You've got all these wee,

inbred, mutant bastards

screaming and splashing.

"Good morning!"

It's that accent again:

"Mummy, Daddy just farted!"

"Mummy, can I have an ice cream?"

Then there's the Scottish kids,

they're just kind of floating.

They're still f***ed

from the night before.

"Water polo, mate? Maybe

some other time, eh?"

"We're not long in, mate. We

just got in, man, honestly."

"I was doing two-for-ones in

that sports caf last night."

"I've got a throat like

a junkie's carpet, man."

"Mummy, can I have an ice cream?"

"Oh, Dad?"

"Oh, Dad?"

"Oh, Dad?"

"Oh, Brian?"

"Give me another

one of your fags."

"Give us a fag."

Beside you is the

Scottish boy's mum and dad.

I say "dad"

- Brian, I don't know, the guy that took the hit.

She's saying, "That's embarrassing.

That is absolutely cringe-worthy.

"He's only 12 and he's

asking me for a fag."

"He's asking me and you for a fag.

He's only 12. You better speak to him."

Your mum's worried about

looking cringe-worthy...

she's sitting there with

"Lidl" and "Aldi" tattooed...

"You better speak to him."

The dad goes... Brian goes, "Don't

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