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Kevin Bridges: The Story So Far - Live in Glasgow Page #7
- Year:
- 2010
- 120 min
- 236 Views
worry, hen, I'll speak to him."
"Ho! You f***ing get your
own fags, you wee dick."
They're only a quid a packet.
Then you get a bit older, and you
go on a holiday with your mates,
as I'm sure a few of you are
doing, a few young people.
And then go on your first
holiday with your mates,
that's when you
see proper carnage.
You go on holiday with your
mates, you confuse having a laugh
and being a major
health-and-safety hazard.
You see groups of guys
walking about the airport.
- "Anything to declare?"
- "Aye, he's a gay boy."
"You said, 'Anything to declare?'
and I said 'He's a gay boy.'
"On us holidays. Gonna
be mental, us holidays."
even leave your own country.
And on the plane, about to
leave, that's when you see chaos.
On a plane, you know, guys just swinging
their T-shirts round their head on the plane.
There's always one guy, delayed,
back in the departure lounge,
final, final call, final call.
seatbelts fastened, waiting to go,
waiting on this guy.
the plane, this sombrero emerges.
And rather than apologise
for the inconvenience
and the delay that he's
caused everybody on the plane,
he just kind of scopes the cabin
to find the rest of his pals.
And shouts...
"Here we go!"
And the whole plane's
thinking, "No chance."
Guy's swinging his T-shirt
round his head, singing.
It's the kind of flight that you want
to see a hijacker on, on that plane.
You won't see an al-Qaeda
suicide-bomb attempt on that plane,
Glasgow to Palma.
I don't mean that in a
self-congratulatory way.
I think the hijackers
would have the manpower,
the willpower, determination,
and the belief. The only stumbling
block would be getting a word in.
On that flight, Glasgow to Palma.
You've spent the last 15 years of
your life in Taliban training camps
on the flight simulator,
ready to die for a cause you believe in,
ready to give your life for 72 virgins.
For Allah, for the jihad.
You're on that plane.
You try to stay focused
- must be pretty intense.
The place you need to
go to inside your mind
to commit such an atrocity.
You try to concentrate
whilst an inflatable crocodile
gets smacked up the
back of your head.
"Gonna pass that back
up, mate? Cheers."
But the show must go on.
The kamikaze headband goes on.
You're in the aisle, shouting,
"Allah Akbar! Allah Akbar!"
Nobody bats an eyelid.
People singing and
banging the windows.
"Allah Akbar!"
People having drunken
conversations, just...
"Are We Humans or
Are We Dancers?
"That song really
spoke to me. Uh.
"'Cause obviously I'm
human, but I like to dance.
a guy like me in this?"
"He's hijacking the plane?
I'll bust him. Where is he?"
I'll put the fag out in a minute, mate. I'm
dealing with a potential terror threat here."
"F***ing jobsworth."
The guy's still shouting,
"Allah Akbar!"
"Sit on your arse, I'm
trying to see the telly."
"You just do wee cans?
Pringles, Pringles?
"Pringles?"
And eventually,
Eventually telling the guy to
sit on his arse, cuddle the guy,
peace, not just sitting there,
but saying "Are you killing
yourself for 72 virgins, mate?
"We're going to Magaluf, man."
I love it. Ladies and gentlemen at Glasgow,
it's been a pleasure talking to you.
Thanks a lot
for coming up.
Goodnight, God
bless. See you soon.
Where are you going?
That was just a wee shite bit.
Then you come back on.
Away to catch the bus,
away to catch the garage.
So I'm back. What was that?
Say again?
I don't have a clue what
that guy's saying now.
I genuinely don't know
what you're saying, mate.
I'd love to hear what you're saying, it
sounds pretty coherent and stuff like that.
And you're gonna translate for
the guy, an even drunker guy?
No, what he said was...
So...
I love you!
I love you as well,
baby. I love you.
Turned into a bit of a
So, we're making a DVD this evening,
so you've been part of the audience.
Thanks a lot for that.
on sale in the barrows.
Give you five DVDs for
forty quid. There you go.
You're a real bastard!
I just heard "bastard"
there. I'm not even gonna...
I'm not gonna ask what
preceded the word "bastard".
It sounded pretty positive, to be
fair. Just ended pretty severe. Bastard.
Bus stop!
"Tell us the bus-stop joke."
Just there.
Think I'm jukebox?
Put a wee quid in...
I've got three jokes.
There's a pound.
Presto!
I done that joke,
the bus-stop joke,
that was my first ever
joke on mainstream TV.
I done that joke, and
about three weeks...
About three weeks after the show
broadcast, I was at a bus stop, right?
And a guy across the
street shouted, "Fat boy!"
"Give me a quid, or
you're getting stabbed."
And I just started laughing.
people at the bus stop,
they never knew what
was going on, right?
They just heard this
and see me laughing,
and they thought that
guy must be hard as nails.
I'm a bus guy. Still take
public transport, I'm a bus guy.
I'm a bus... I
take one of their...
Every area's got a rough bus.
You know, one of the kind of
Glasgow safaris that you get.
The number 40 bus.
It runs from Clydebank
to Easterhouse...
via Drumchapel.
As if they went, "Clydebank to Easterhouse.
I'm not sure that's mental enough.
"No..."
through Drumchapel."
On my bus, I've seen three
generations of the one family
get on for a half fair.
So, how did they enjoy the SECC?
First time here,
first time in the SECC?
Aye.
Nobody ever... Nobody
talks about the show.
After the SECC, they always talk
about the prices, don't they?
"Guess how much?"
"Guess how much we paid for three
drinks? Have a guess, guess how much?
"For three drinks."
The key is to aim high and kill
the conversation stone dead.
"50 quid."
"We thought it was quite expensive,
but it sounds as if we got a bargain."
So, we'll finish up on a joke.
Has anybody ever what?
Has anybody ever
shat in my kettle?
Since we last did the show it's
happened on several occasions.
We'll finish up...
I don't know... How am I
gonna hear what you're saying?
Does that make sense to even
you guys in the audience there?
Just a gun noise...
A-E-I, make a sentence
out of that one, dick.
So, we'll finish up. Obviously
the DVD is about six months away,
so we need to predict the future,
or it's gonna look pretty weird.
a DVD and wonder,
"How come he never mentioned the fact
that North Korea blew the world up?"
or something like that.
So what about England
winning the World Cup, eh?
What about England
getting f***ed?
We'll wait and see what one makes
the edit. Ladies and gentlemen,
goodnight, have a great journey
home, God bless. Thank you.
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"Kevin Bridges: The Story So Far - Live in Glasgow" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 29 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/kevin_bridges:_the_story_so_far_-_live_in_glasgow_11685>.
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