Kevin Bridges: The Story So Far - Live in Glasgow Page #7

worry, hen, I'll speak to him."

"Ho! You f***ing get your

own fags, you wee dick."

They're only a quid a packet.

Then you get a bit older, and you

go on a holiday with your mates,

as I'm sure a few of you are

doing, a few young people.

And then go on your first

holiday with your mates,

that's when you

see proper carnage.

You go on holiday with your

mates, you confuse having a laugh

and being a major

health-and-safety hazard.

You see groups of guys

walking about the airport.

- "Anything to declare?"

- "Aye, he's a gay boy."

"You said, 'Anything to declare?'

and I said 'He's a gay boy.'

"On us holidays. Gonna

be mental, us holidays."

The carnage starts before you

even leave your own country.

And on the plane, about to

leave, that's when you see chaos.

On a plane, you know, guys just swinging

their T-shirts round their head on the plane.

There's always one guy, delayed,

he's getting the final call,

back in the departure lounge,

final, final call, final call.

The whole plane is delayed,

seatbelts fastened, waiting to go,

waiting on this guy.

He finally emerges. Front of

the plane, this sombrero emerges.

And rather than apologise

for the inconvenience

and the delay that he's

caused everybody on the plane,

he just kind of scopes the cabin

to find the rest of his pals.

And shouts...

"Here we go!"

And the whole plane's

thinking, "No chance."

"This plane better crash."

Guy's swinging his T-shirt

round his head, singing.

It's the kind of flight that you want

to see a hijacker on, on that plane.

You won't see an al-Qaeda

suicide-bomb attempt on that plane,

Glasgow to Palma.

I don't mean that in a

self-congratulatory way.

I think the hijackers

would have the manpower,

the willpower, determination,

and the belief. The only stumbling

block would be getting a word in.

On that flight, Glasgow to Palma.

You've spent the last 15 years of

your life in Taliban training camps

on the flight simulator,

ready to die for a cause you believe in,

ready to give your life for 72 virgins.

For Allah, for the jihad.

You're on that plane.

You try to stay focused

- must be pretty intense.

The place you need to

go to inside your mind

to commit such an atrocity.

You try to concentrate

whilst an inflatable crocodile

gets smacked up the

back of your head.

"Gonna pass that back

up, mate? Cheers."

But the show must go on.

The kamikaze headband goes on.

You're in the aisle, shouting,

"Allah Akbar! Allah Akbar!"

Nobody bats an eyelid.

People singing and

banging the windows.

"Allah Akbar!"

People having drunken

conversations, just...

"Are We Humans or

Are We Dancers?

"That song really

spoke to me. Uh.

"'Cause obviously I'm

human, but I like to dance.

"Is there an option for

a guy like me in this?"

"He's hijacking the plane?

I'll bust him. Where is he?"

I'll put the fag out in a minute, mate. I'm

dealing with a potential terror threat here."

"F***ing jobsworth."

The guy's still shouting,

"Allah Akbar!"

"Sit on your arse, I'm

trying to see the telly."

"You just do wee cans?

Pringles, Pringles?

"Pringles?"

And eventually,

Eventually telling the guy to

sit on his arse, cuddle the guy,

a beautiful moment for world

peace, not just sitting there,

but saying "Are you killing

yourself for 72 virgins, mate?

"We're going to Magaluf, man."

I love it. Ladies and gentlemen at Glasgow,

it's been a pleasure talking to you.

Thanks a lot

for coming up.

Goodnight, God

bless. See you soon.

Where are you going?

That was just a wee shite bit.

Then you come back on.

Away to catch the bus,

away to catch the garage.

So I'm back. What was that?

Say again?

I don't have a clue what

that guy's saying now.

I genuinely don't know

what you're saying, mate.

I'd love to hear what you're saying, it

sounds pretty coherent and stuff like that.

And you're gonna translate for

the guy, an even drunker guy?

No, what he said was...

So...

I love you!

I love you as well,

baby. I love you.

Turned into a bit of a

Michael Buble concert there.

So, we're making a DVD this evening,

so you've been part of the audience.

Thanks a lot for that.

A DVD that's probably already

on sale in the barrows.

Give you five DVDs for

forty quid. There you go.

You're a real bastard!

I just heard "bastard"

there. I'm not even gonna...

I'm not gonna ask what

preceded the word "bastard".

It sounded pretty positive, to be

fair. Just ended pretty severe. Bastard.

Bus stop!

"Tell us the bus-stop joke."

Just there.

Think I'm jukebox?

Put a wee quid in...

I've got three jokes.

There's a pound.

Presto!

I done that joke,

the bus-stop joke,

that was my first ever

joke on mainstream TV.

I done that joke, and

about three weeks...

About three weeks after the show

broadcast, I was at a bus stop, right?

And a guy across the

street shouted, "Fat boy!"

"Give me a quid, or

you're getting stabbed."

And I just started laughing.

The other three or four

people at the bus stop,

they never knew what

was going on, right?

They just heard this

and see me laughing,

and they thought that

guy must be hard as nails.

I'm a bus guy. Still take

public transport, I'm a bus guy.

I'm a bus... I

take one of their...

Every area's got a rough bus.

You know, one of the kind of

Glasgow safaris that you get.

The number 40 bus.

It runs from Clydebank

to Easterhouse...

via Drumchapel.

As if they went, "Clydebank to Easterhouse.

I'm not sure that's mental enough.

"No..."

"We better stick this

through Drumchapel."

On my bus, I've seen three

generations of the one family

get on for a half fair.

So, how did they enjoy the SECC?

First time here,

first time in the SECC?

Aye.

Nobody ever... Nobody

talks about the show.

After the SECC, they always talk

about the prices, don't they?

"Guess how much?"

"Guess how much we paid for three

drinks? Have a guess, guess how much?

"For three drinks."

The key is to aim high and kill

the conversation stone dead.

"50 quid."

"We thought it was quite expensive,

but it sounds as if we got a bargain."

So, we'll finish up on a joke.

Has anybody ever what?

Has anybody ever

shat in my kettle?

Since we last did the show it's

happened on several occasions.

We'll finish up...

I don't know... How am I

gonna hear what you're saying?

Does that make sense to even

you guys in the audience there?

Just a gun noise...

A-E-I, make a sentence

out of that one, dick.

So, we'll finish up. Obviously

the DVD is about six months away,

so we need to predict the future,

or it's gonna look pretty weird.

You could watch on

a DVD and wonder,

"How come he never mentioned the fact

that North Korea blew the world up?"

or something like that.

So what about England

winning the World Cup, eh?

What about England

getting f***ed?

We'll wait and see what one makes

the edit. Ladies and gentlemen,

goodnight, have a great journey

home, God bless. Thank you.

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