Kevin Hart: Seriously Funny

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1

( audience cheering )

( hip-hop music playing )

Whoa!

Yeah, Cleveland.

What's up, Cleveland?

How you all feeling?

Everybody good?

Y'all good?

Everybody straight?

Cold as sh*t out

this b*tch, ain't it?

I don't like that--

All this snow.

I don't like that sh*t.

Y'all got that slushy sh*t,

that slipping snow.

Hey, look--

God damn it.

There's slush.

There's slush right there.

Watch the slush.

I don't like that sh*t.

Y'all ain't supposed to

have snow out here.

I don't like that sh*t.

Y'all ain't supposed to

have snow out here.

Good year for y'all though.

Right now got--

Before I even get started,

shouts out to--

-

( woman shouts )

- Hey, sugar foot.

How you doing?

How you doing, sweetie?

Get it out now.

Before we get started,

shouts out to my man Shaq

up front showing love.

The cavs.

( cheering )

My man LeBron in the house.

Shout out to our boy

LeBron in the house.

It's a good year for y'all.

A good year for y'all.

Y'all might do it.

Y'all might do it.

Y'all might do it.

Y'all might do it.

All right, y'all got me

up here for a while, all right?

And this time--

About an hour.

I'm gonna be up here

about an hour.

Now in this time y'all gonna

hear a lot of stuff.

I'm not gonna lie to y'all.

Don't judge me.

I don't want nobody

judging me.

I love to be honest

when I'm on stage.

I talk about things that

I know-- My family, my kids.

I love to talk

about my babies.

Two babies--

Little boy and little girl.

Now I used to talk about

my son being a dumb baby.

I used to.

I'm serious, I did.

I thought my baby

was a dumb baby.

But now I've realized he's not

dumb, he just does dumb sh*t.

Like, I don't like the way

my son throws his tantrums.

Like, I don't like the way

my son throws his tantrums.

You know, when a baby

throws a tantrum

he's supposed to fall out,

cry, roll on the ground.

That's a tantrum.

This is not a joke,

this is for real.

This is what my son does

when he gets mad.

I'm not lying.

Don't make me laugh. Look.

This is what he do.

He goes...

This is what he do.

He go...

It's the most retarded thing

I've ever seen in my life.

I can't say nothing.

I got to wait till he's finished

then explain to people

what happened.

then explain to people

what happened.

He got an attitude

'cause he can't get no candy.

My baby is weird, man.

When he gets mad

he gets in the oven.

I swear to God.

He gets in the oven.

Then get an attitude with me

when I get him out.

Boy, get your ass

out of the damn oven.

Get your ass out of the oven

before I turn it on.

When I say that he go,

"hot. Hot.

That thing hot, daddy."

I love him

to death though, man.

Two-- A little boy

and little girl.

Now my daughter,

Two-- A little boy

and little girl.

Now my daughter,

my daughter's

a different ballgame.

My daughter's spoiled, man.

About to be five.

Spoiled. I'm not gonna lie.

I spoil her.

That's what I'm supposed to do.

She's at that age now

though where she knows.

She knows how to play me

and her mom against each other.

She knows how to make us fight.

Here's how she got me

in trouble the other day.

She came in the room,

she hit me with the soft voice.

She's like, "dad,

can I have a cookie?"

I said, "yeah, baby.

Let's go get a cookie."

I start walking

towards the kitchen.

Out of nowhere

all I hear is,

"don't give her

no goddamn cookie!"

Scared the sh*t out of me.

I stopped.

I didn't know what it was.

I thought it was Jesus at first.

I didn't know what it was.

I thought it was Jesus at first.

I went, "why can't she

have a cookie, Jesus?

What did she do?"

But here's how smart she is.

She knew how to get a reaction

out of me.

She looked at me.

She said, "dad, I thought you

was the king of the house."

When she said that,

it set me off.

It riled me up.

So I snapped.

I said, "what the f***

you mean she can't have

no goddamn cookie?

Why'd you buy the cookies

if can't nobody eat a cookie?

That makes you stupid for

buying uneatable cookies.

Ain't nobody

getting a cookie."

I shut the whole cookie

operation down.

I grabbed the cookies,

got my ladder,

put them on top

of the refrigerator.

Then I hid my ladder.

put them on top

of the refrigerator.

Then I hid my ladder.

It wasn't a big ladder.

Three steps.

It's a ladder for thugs.

Pap pap pap,

real quick.

Little thug ladder.

This parenting thing is hard.

You need patience.

Got to have a lot of patience

to deal with these kids.

I'm not gonna lie,

I don't have a lot of patience.

I'm learning.

I'm trying.

Certain things

make me mad.

Like, I don't like it

when I tell my kids

to do stuff

and they do

exactly what I say.

I want you to do

what I say,

but I want you to do it how

I pictured you doing it.

but I want you to do it how

I pictured you doing it.

Don't do it the way

you want to do it.

Do it the way I saw you doing it

when I told you to do it.

It might be confusing,

but this is serious to me.

The other day my son,

he's suped up off candy.

He's running

all over the house.

I got mad.

"Hey, that's it.

Come here.

Shut it down.

Go to bed."

Swear to God,

this is what he did.

This made me so mad.

Standing up,

this is what he did.

I said, "go to bed."

He said, "ah"

( snoring )

I was so mad.

"Wake your damn ass up.

You don't sleep standing up.

You're not no vampire."

You're not no vampire."

I was mad 'cause I didn't know

how to explain why I was mad.

You don't close your eyes till

your brain tells your body

to shut everything down.

I got a lot of fears, man.

I got a lot of fears

as a parent.

Let me tell you guys

one of my biggest fears.

One of my biggest fears is my

son growing up and being gay.

That's a fear.

Keep in mind I'm not homophobic.

I have nothing against

gay people. Be happy,

do what you wanna do.

But me being

a heterosexual male,

But me being

a heterosexual male,

if I can prevent my son

from being gay, I will.

Now with that being said,

I don't know

if I handled my son's

first gay moment correctly.

Every kid has a gay moment.

Okay? Every kid.

But when it happens,

you've got to nip it

in the bud.

You got to stop it right then.

"Hey, stop! That's gay!"

It's quick.

"No!"

I don't know if I handled

my son's situation right.

Okay? He's at

a birthday party, right?

My son's at a birthday party,

he's playing.

My son's at a birthday party,

he's playing.

You know when kids play,

they just play.

You don't know what

they're doing but they're

having a good time.

They're just doing

a bunch of stuff, right?

They're moving around.

I said, "okay, he's good."

I finished talking,

I turn back around to

check on my son again,

a little boy was grinding

on my son's ass.

He was like this.

I didn't know what to do.

I panicked.

I knocked them both down.

"Hey, what's going on here?

What kind of party is this?

Huh? What kind

of party is this?

What's going on here?"

This lady came out.

She was like,

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