Kevin Hart: Seriously Funny Page #2

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"what are you doing?

They're kids, let them play."

She was like,

"what are you doing?

They're kids, let them play."

I said, "you show me another

kid getting f***ed in the ass

and I'll calm down."

My son had on corduroys.

That's why I had attitude.

I didn't see it,

I heard it.

All I heard was...

Brr brr brr.

"What the? Who the hell

is playing with cards?

What is that?

Is somebody shuffling cards?

They're too young

for spades here."

The thing

that pissed me off--

Here's what

pissed me off, man.

I was eating a buffalo wing

when it happened.

I was eating a buffalo wing

when it happened.

I should have dropped

the wing and ran over there,

but I licked

my fingers first.

I didn't mean it.

I said, "hey!

Boy!"

The black in me came out.

There's a lot of pressure

dealing with kids, man.

But I'm learning.

Here's one thing I've learned.

Here's why my patience

is getting better.

I'VE REALIZED THIS:

My kids are gonna

make mistakes.

The reason why--

When I was a kid

I made mistakes.

I did a lot

of stupid stuff as a child.

My blood's in them.

They're gonna follow suit.

With that being said,

I don't get as mad

as I used to.

With that being said,

I don't get as mad

as I used to.

I'm calming down.

My daughter cursed for

the first time the other day.

I didn't get mad.

We was watching "SpongeBob."

Something happened

to Patrick.

Out of nowhere she got mad.

She's like, "sh*t!"

I said, "wait, what?

What did you say?"

She's like, "sh*t!

They got Patrick, dad.

You not watching?"

I said, "whoa.

All right."

Here's why I didn't

get an attitude.

I'm gonna tell you why

I didn't get an attitude.

I didn't give her

attitude because I remember

my first time cussing.

My first time cussing

was 'cause my mom smacked me

in front of company.

My first time cussing

was 'cause my mom smacked me

in front of company.

My friends

was over my house.

I'm downstairs.

We're playing,

we're having a good time.

My mom comes downstairs,

she said, "hey.

I told you to keep it down.

You don't run this house,

I do, okay?

With that being said,

that's it.

You're done.

Go to bed."

Smacked me.

Sent me up to my room.

Now you know

when you get smacked

when you're a kid

you get hyped

when you get by yourself.

"You gonna smack me, b*tch?

( shrieking )

In front of my friends?

You gonna smack me?!"

I was emotional.

I was an emotional-ass kid.

I was emotional.

I was an emotional-ass kid.

"I'm running away!

That's it!"

I packed a bag

and everything.

You know how many times

I packed a bag with a toy?

I packed a bag

with one toy.

"I'm out.

I'm sick of it.

Me and He-Man are out."

My mom gave me permission

to cuss one time.

One time she gave me

permission to cuss.

I'm in school,

I'm being bad.

My teacher got mad.

Said, "Kevin, come here."

Told me to come to

the front of the class.

Wrote a note,

stapled the note

to my chest.

Said, "make sure your mother

reads the note."

I get home,

my mom reads the note.

The note said, "maybe if

you showed your son

some more attention

at home, he wouldn't act

like a fool in school."

My mom read the note.

She said, "let me tell

you something.

You tell her

mind her damn business

before I come down there

and I beat her ass."

before I come down there

and I beat her ass."

I said, "okay. You want me

to say it like that?

Or do you want me

to take some stuff out?"

"What I say?

Tell her mind

her damn business

before I come down there

and I beat her ass."

I said, "no,

I heard what you said.

I just want to make sure

that you know that

you're telling me to say

the same thing."

"Kevin, if I tell you

again I'm gonna smack

the sh*t out of you."

"Okay. No, I got it.

Okay, I got it.

Okay, I got it.

No, I got it.

All right, okay."

Keep in mind it's a lot

of pressure, all right?

Keep in mind it's a lot

of pressure, all right?

My mom just gave me

permission to go to school

and cuss my teacher out.

I didn't feel comfortable

with the situation.

So I wanted to practice.

I wanted to go upstairs,

I wanted to go

over my lines.

So I'm in the mirror,

I'm going over my lines.

I'm like, "okay, all right.

Okay, all right. Okay.

My mom told me

to tell you

to mind your damn--

No, that's too loud.

That's way too loud.

That's not believable.

It's too loud."

Finally I go over it.

I get it down.

I'm like, you know what?

I'm gonna go to bed early,

get some rest.

'cause I got a big day

ahead of me tomorrow.

'cause I got a big day

ahead of me tomorrow.

I don't want

to mess this up.

So I go to bed.

I wake up, get dressed.

Put on my pants and my shirt.

I get on the school bus.

All my friends see me.

They get hyped.

"Ooh, Kevin's on the bus.

Everybody look.

Kevin's on the bus.

What up, Kev?"

I was like,

"yo, not today, y'all.

I got a lot of stuff

on my mind.

I can't really have

y'all throwing me off."

My friends was like,

"what are you talking about?"

"I can't really get into it.

All I can tell y'all

is that it's about

to go down."

He was like, "what?"

I said, "look, man.

He was like, "what?"

I said, "look, man.

It's about to go down.

Just be behind me when

I walk in class."

He said,

"all right, cool."

I walk in class,

miss green my teacher,

she starts speaking

to everybody.

"Hello. Good morning.

Good morning. Hello.

Hello. Good morning."

She sees me, she was like,

"Kevin."

I said, "miss green."

She said, "did you let

your mother read the note?"

I said, "yes I did."

She said, "well, what did

your mother say?"

I took a deep breath.

I looked at my friends.

I was like,

"it's about to go down."

I said, "well...

I said, "well...

My mom told me to tell you

to mind your damn

motherfucking business, b*tch.

Little stupid b*tch.

Little dumb teacher b*tch.

2+2 not knowing what

the f*** it is b*tch.

Cross-eyed, crying down

your back fat foot ass b*tch.

Long tittied, no nipple

having ass b*tch."

The sh*t was crazy.

My friends was in the back

and they was like, "oooh!

My friends was in the back

and they was like, "oooh!

He said she ain't had

no nipples."

I got suspended.

I got suspended

and an ass whipping.

My mom beat the sh*t

out of me when I got home.

"I told you to say

two cuss words.

You said 76 of them."

I thought I was

Samuel L. Jackson.

I'm sick and tired of these

motherfucking teachers in this

motherfucking school.

I had a trench coat on

and I flapped it.

You know when you flap it,

you got to get that

air under it.

Like f***

everybody in this b*tch.

I don't give a sh*t.

Like f***

everybody in this b*tch.

I don't give a sh*t.

I'm a goddamn thug.

You can't be so hard

on your kids, man.

One of my friends

got a teenage daughter.

He too strict.

I told him, "you got to relax.

That girl gonna do

what she want to do when

you're not around anyway.

Relax, man."

He said, "Kev, let me

tell you something.

Do what you want to do

with your kids.

Don't tell me how

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