Kevin Hart: Seriously Funny Page #3

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to raise my kids."

I said, "you're right.

I apologize."

Now this isn't funny,

but it made me laugh, okay?

He goes to his daughter's

phone and he finds a picture

of a little boy's thing

on the phone. Right?

of a little boy's thing

on the phone. Right?

Now it's my friend, okay?

Tells me everything.

It's not funny that he

found a picture of a little

boy's thing on the phone.

It was funny

the way he told me.

He confides in me.

He tells me everything.

He comes on the tour bus,

he mad as sh*t.

He says, "Kev, you're

not gonna believe this.

I go through Tiffany's phone.

I found a picture of a little

boy's, uh, situation

on the phone."

I said, "what?

What?"

"I found a picture

of the hot dog

without the bun

on the phone."

"What are you talking--"

"A tallynackle. She had--

"What are you talking--"

"A tallynackle. She had--

It's a dick on the phone!

She got a dick on the phone!"

I didn't know what to say

so I just kept repeating

what he said.

I said, "so you're telling me

he is a dick on the phone?"

He said, "there's a dick

on the phone."

"So right now if I look

in the phone there's gonna

be a dick in it?"

I said,

"well, what you gonna do?"

He said, "what you

think I'm gonna do?

I'm about to go to the school."

I said, "why you going

to the school?"

He said, "why you think?

I'm about to find out

whose dick it was.

That's why I'm going

to the school."

I said, "yo, I don't think

that's a good look.

I don't think

you should do that.

I don't think you should

go to the school

with a picture

I don't think you should

go to the school

with a picture

of a little boy's dick

in the phone

and try to match it up

to other little boys.

That's a little pedophile-ish,

don't you think?

You'll be in jail

before 3:
00."

He said,

"well, what would you do?"

By far the most difficult

question I've ever been

asked in my life.

He said, "what would you do?"

I thought about it.

I don't know.

I don't know what I would

do if I found a picture

of a little boy's thing

on my daughter's phone.

I don't know what I'd do.

I'd probably

punch her in the throat.

I don't know.

'cause I got a son too, okay?

If I found out that my son is

pulling his thing out at school,

when his mother's around

I'm gonna have an attitude.

when his mother's around

I'm gonna have an attitude.

I'm gonna have a lot

of stuff to say.

"Really? Really, dude?

That's what you

do at school?

So you don't need pants

'cause your dick is out,

that's what

you're telling me?"

As soon as his mom leaves--

"Hey, come here.

What she say

when she saw it?

Give me some.

Give me some. Yes!

Hell yeah! Sometimes

you got to put it

on the table, son.

Let 'em see it.

We small but we big

at the same time.

Let 'em know."

I'm a different type

of parent.

I'm a different type

of parent.

I am a different

type of parent.

I'm not gonna lie.

Certain things I do

differently.

I don't like babysitting.

I can admit that.

I don't like watching

my kids by myself--

Too much pressure.

No man does.

No man in this room

is a good babysitter.

I can tell you how

every man in this room

watches kids.

We sit on the couch

and listen for sh*t.

That's how we watch our kids.

Kids do whatever they want

when they're with dad.

"Hey! Hey!

I know y'all

not in that toilet.

Y'all better not

be in that toilet!"

We ain't

gonna do nothing.

I definitely don't like

watching other people's kids.

It's too much pressure.

There's nothing worse

than watching somebody

else's baby

and you give them

their baby back

in a condition

that they didn't

give you their baby in.

Like you ever have

to explain something

before they see their baby?

Like you ever have

to explain something

before they see their baby?

"Hey, real quick before

you look at your baby.

Uh, your baby had two eyes

for sure,

right?

Okay, so it

happened here.

LONG STORY SHORT:

Gas went off in the kitchen,

blew the back

of your baby's face out.

It was crazy.

My baby knew what to do.

He got in the oven.

Your baby just stood there.

Y'all don't run in your house?

Don't nobody run in your house?"

I had one little girl

get hurt over at my house.

Scariest thing ever, man.

One little girl, right?

My daughter got

real big bunk beds.

I'm in the living room.

I'm watching TV.

I'm in the living room.

I'm watching TV.

Her and her friends,

they in the room playing.

Out of nowhere,

I hear a loud bang.

Bang!

Little girl start crying.

Aah! Aaaaaah!

I come in the room,

the girls are standing

around her.

They all standing

around her. One girl

is on her knee

looking at her face to face.

This is what almost

MADE ME LAUGH:

When I came in the room,

the girl looked at me

like "hm hm hm."

But I can't laugh

'cause I'm in daddy mode.

I've got to figure out

what happened. I go

to my daughter.

It's her room.

She's responsible.

I said, "heaven, c'mere.

Come here.

I said, "heaven, c'mere.

Come here.

It's your room.

You're responsible.

What happened?"

It's very hard to take

a kid out of play mode.

When kids are playing,

they don't know that sh*t

just got real.

They don't know.

In her mind it's still a game.

I said, "what happened?"

This is what my daughter did.

She said, "ho!

Daddy!

( shrieks )

Daddy!"

You ever see kids

do that shake sh*t?

( shrieks )

"What is wrong with--

Stop. Stop shaking your face.

Stop.

What happened?"

Stop.

What happened?"

This is the story

my baby told me.

She said,

"we got monsters, daddy.

There's a bunch

of monsters in here.

The prince came out,

told us to get

in the castle.

The castle was at the top

of the bunk bed.

We got up there,

there was too many

people in the castle,

so...

Somebody had to go.

We took a vote and she lost.

I kicked her off."

"Wait, what?

What?"

"I kicked her off, dad.

It could've been anybody."

( chuckles )

My baby made

an executive decision.

I said, "all right.

My baby made

an executive decision.

I said, "all right.

She had to go.

I get it.

I understand."

I'll tell you

another fear of mine.

I'll tell you

another fear of mine.

Here's another

fear of mine.

My biggest fear

is getting knocked out

in front of my babies.

That's a fear, man!

As a dad, what do you do?

What do you do when your

kids come get you?

"Dad, they messin' with me?"

"Who?" "Them!"

As a dad, you gotta go

whip whoever them's ass is.

That's your job as a dad.

What do you do

when you go down there

and get your ass whipped?

What do you say?

What do you say to your kids?

"Dad, they messin' with me?"

"Who?" "Them!"

"Stay right here.

Hey, motherf--

"Stay right here.

Hey, motherf--

Come on, come on!

Let's go!

These niggas are real!

Let's go!

Hurry up!

Get in the car!

Was that a kid?

Was that a kid?

When we get home,

I'm whippin' your ass

for putting me

in that situation.

I had nothing

to do with that.

I woke up this morning

as a Christian.

You don't do that to me."

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