Kevin Hart: Seriously Funny Page #4

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It's a different ballgame.

See, me?

I'm gonna be honest

with you guys, man.

I'm not that guy.

I'm not a fighter, man.

I'm not.

I won't act like I am.

I won't. Seen too many

bad things happen.

I saw my dad

get knocked out one time.

I was 13.

It traumatized me.

This guy hit my dad

twice in the same spot--

Uhn uhn--

Quick as hell.

Quickest two punches

I've ever seen in my life.

I've never seen

anything like it.

Hit my dad so fast

I've never seen

anything like it.

Hit my dad so fast

in the middle of the fight

my dad stopped and asked me

what happened.

In the middle of the fight.

He's like, "sh*t! Hey!

Kevin, hey!

He just hit me twice?"

"Yes.

Yes he did."

"Are you sure it was him?"

"It's only y'all

two out here, dad.

Ain't nobody else

out here with y'all."

"So you telling me

he that fast?

They not jumping me?

Ain't nobody jumping me?"

"No, nobody jumping you.

It's just him."

"Well, he must be an octopus.

I saw a lot of stuff

goin' by my face."

"Really?

Really, dad?

"Really?

Really, dad?

An octopus?

That's what you just fought?

A human octopus?

Really?"

When my dad called

another grown-ass man

an octopus,

that was the day

he stopped being my dad.

I lost all respect.

He didn't understand that.

He was still trying

to discipline me.

"Kevin! Hey!

Didn't I tell you

to get the trash out?

Get up, get the trash out

before I crack your damn face."

"Shut up. Shut up! You get the trash out

before I get Steve over here,

put his damn hands

on you again."

"Oh. Oh.

"Oh. Oh.

Oh, you gonna

get Steve, huh?

You are something else,

you know that?

You are something else.

Give me the trash.

I'll take the trash out.

Give me the trash."

He didn't want to see

Steve again.

Steve beat the sh*t

out of my dad.

You ever see somebody

lose a fight and talk

like they won?

That's my dad.

After he got knocked out,

he's like, "you good?

Are you good now?"

I said, "dad, I don't think

that's your lines.

I think the winners

say that.

I think the guy

who won say that.

I think the guy

who won say that.

You just lay down

for a second and let him

finish his speech.

I think you got up

too fast anyway.

You gonna be dizzy."

When I saw my dad

get knocked out

and I saw my brother

get knocked out,

it made me feel like,

as a family,

we're not good at this

particular activity.

We're not fighters.

We're readers. We're good

readers in my family.

HERE'S WHY I DON'T FIGHT:

You don't know what people

are capable of now.

Too many people know

too many different things.

I'm serious.

Know what I'm scared of?

I'm serious.

Know what I'm scared of?

U.F.C. Fighters.

You know why?

Because they're real.

That is not a game, people.

They are here.

They exist.

They know sh*t.

Touch a pressure point,

shuts your whole body down.

Pow. "It's a wrap.

Can't move none of that."

"Fight back!"

"I can't.

Everything is shut down.

I don't know what he did.

Everything.

I can't move anything."

You know who gonna get

their asses beat by these guys?

Thugs.

I'm gonna tell you why.

Thugs.

I'm gonna tell you why.

Thugs, y'all don't know

how to just fight.

Thugs always got to give you

a speech before they fight.

You ever see how long

it take a thug to fight?

Gotta give you his whole

background before he fight.

It take too long.

"Yeah. Real niggas.

All day. Just me.

By myself.

On the block.

Holding it down.

Gun at my waist.

Straight face.

All day.

Not a game.

In jail.

By myself!

One bed.

No pillowcase.

One pillow.

Didn't nobody write me.

It was early. Woke up.

Went back to sleep.

Took a nap.

You ever go night night, nigga?

Took a nap.

You ever go night night, nigga?

You ever

go night night, nigga?!

Everybody goes

night night, nigga!"

"What?

What does this

have to do with the fight?

Are we fighting or not?"

"You didn't write me."

"I don't know you."

These guys are gonna be

the ones, man.

Everybody can't be a thug.

Everybody cannot

be a thug.

I can't stand TV thugs.

You know what

a TV thug is?

Those the guys

who do what they see on TV

all day, every day.

All day, every day.

all day, every day.

All day, every day.

You ever see those guys.

"Yeah, nig'. What, nig'?"

You never seen

the dancing thugs?

Get out the car...

( babbles high-pitched )

"It ain't a game.

You think it's a game

around here?"

I don't like those guys.

I know real thugs.

My uncle is a real thug.

Certified.

Put a stamp on him.

Locked up 15 years.

Got out of jail,

ain't nothing changed.

Very serious.

When my uncle talk,

this is how he look.

I don't care what

he's talking about.

This is how he looks...

I don't care what

he's talking about.

This is how he looks...

I don't care

what he's sayin'.

"Put the goddamn jelly

on the motherfuckin' sandwich.

Do it! Spread it!"

He's crazy.

He's crazy.

He's institutionalized, man.

Understand when you've been

in jail 15 years,

all you know is jail.

Your mannerisms,

your language--

You eat, sleep

and think jail.

Okay? Your threats

aren't even the same.

When you threaten somebody,

they should know what's

about to happen.

When you threaten somebody,

they should know what's

about to happen.

It's a transition

into a fight.

"I'm sick of your ass.

Get up."

When they get up, they know

there's gonna be a fight.

Stuff my uncle says

leaves you in suspense.

They're like the worst

jail metaphors I've ever

heard in my life.

I don't even know

how to explain 'em.

He gets out of jail,

my brother calls me.

"Kevin, uncle Richard

just got home."

"I'm on the first flight.

I'll be there in the morning."

I ain't seen him in 15 years.

I got to see him.

I get there,

my uncle's in the middle

of the living room.

I'm hyped to see him.

"Uncle Richard, what up, baby?

15 years. That's a long time.

How you been?"

15 years. That's a long time.

How you been?"

I swear to God

this is what he said.

"Say it with your chest,

little-ass nigga!"

I didn't know what to say.

My brother grabbed me.

He was like, "chill.

He's been saying this all day.

We don't know what it means.

Wait till we figure it out."

Here's the thing, right?

I said, "I'm not gonna chill.

I'm gonna talk to him.

Y'all not talkin' to him."

I pulled him to the side

Y'all not talkin' to him."

I pulled him to the side

and said, "look, unc,

a lot of stuff has changed

since you've been gone.

I'm doing well.

I'm making good money.

Let me take you out,

put you around some women,

get some drinks.

We'll have a good time."

He said, "all right, cool."

I take him to a lounge, right?

I'm at the bar. I'm drinking.

There's women around me.

I'm having a good time

I can't see him,

but I can hear him.

I can't see him,

but I can hear him.

Out of nowhere

all I hear is

"I'm sick of this

motherf***er, man.

Kev, pin the tail

on his ass!"

"Is it his birthday?

Why would I do that?

"Is it his birthday?

Why would I do that?

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