Kevin Hart: Seriously Funny Page #5

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W-why would I do that?

What do you mean?"

"Peel this motherf***er's

muffin cap back blue."

"Is that drink?

That's probably a drink.

Can I get a peel his

muffin cap back blue?"

"Say it with your chest!"

"Can I get a peel

his muffin cap--"

I didn't know what to do.

I was confused.

My family threw him

on me, man.

They threw him on me.

They said, "Kev, look,

you're making money.

Give him a job.

They said, "Kev, look,

you're making money.

Give him a job.

Give him a second

chance at life."

I said, "fine.

I'm gonna

let him train me, okay?"

I was about

to go to Australia.

I was gonna film a movie.

I wanted to

get a little bigger.

Let him train me.

Reason why?

My uncle had that jail body.

Up top, solid.

Not a game. Rock hard.

Didn't work

on his legs that much.

Sometimes you could see him

struggling to keep

the top half up--

The stick legs.

Looked like this nigga was

tip drilling all the time.

Looked like this nigga was

tip drilling all the time.

"What are you doing, unc?

Why you keep shakin' your ass?

What are you doing?

Relax your ass, man."

"I ain't shakin' it.

It's my legs."

Now for those of you

who do not understand the job

of a personal trainer,

I'll explain it to you.

A personal trainer's job

is to do what?

Motivate you, people,

make you feel

like you could do things

you never thought you could do.

Here's an example

of a personal trainer's

conversation.

"Come on, man.

You can do it.

"Come on, man.

You can do it.

Push it.

You got it.

Breathe.

Three more.

Last two.

Get it up.

Last one.

Good set.

Go wipe off."

That's a trainer

conversation.

Once again,

I didn't like the way

that he talked

to me, okay?

We're at the gym.

I'm on a weight bench.

I'm not gonna lie.

I'm struggling.

I couldn't get it.

( mimics grunting )

I couldn't get it.

Out of nowhere,

he came up behind me.

"Close your mouth

Out of nowhere,

he came up behind me.

"Close your mouth

before somebody come up,

put their dick in it

on the yard."

"What'd he say?

What'd he just say?

Somebody get the weights.

I just wanna ask him something.

Somebody get the weights.

Let me ask him something.

Uh, is that a dick

out behind me for real

or is he just joking?

No, if it is,

that's gotta change.

Somebody's got to put that up.

I'm not gonna work out

if that's gonna stay out.

I pay my membership

like everybody else.

I don't need to see that.

Fix it."

That's when I stopped

messing with him.

Hey, real quick.

This is not a joke.

Hey, real quick.

This is not a joke.

I just want to know

what you guys think.

Be honest.

You don't gotta lie, okay?

This is true.

It's me being honest.

I'm opening up to y'all

for a second.

Does this make me gay?

I was at the mall, right?

Some guy saw me.

He was like, "oh, Kev Hart.

What up, man?

I'm a big fan.

I love you, dude.

Funny as hell.

Keep doing you, man.

Swear to God. Funny."

( blows kiss )

And I caught it.

Does that make me gay?

Does that

make me gay?

Does it make me gay?

I thought he was waving.

Put yourself in my shoes.

I thought he was waving.

I thought he was waving.

Put yourself in my shoes.

I thought he was waving.

By the time I realized

it wasn't a wave,

it was too late.

I was like, "hey, man.

No no no. I got it.

Too late. Okay.

Ummm."

It was weird.

What do I do now?

I held it until he left

and then I set it down.

I didn't use it.

I set it down.

I swear to God.

I'll tell you the truth.

I didn't use it.

I didn't put it in my pocket.

I just set it down.

I wanted to be like

my uncle for a minute.

I did.

This is me being

honest with you guys.

Reason why? My uncle got

so much respect, man.

People feared my uncle.

I was like I want that fear.

People feared my uncle.

I was like I want that fear.

Don't nobody fear me.

People think I'm a b*tch.

They do.

My lady think I'm a b*tch.

Call me a b*tch all the time.

"You a b*tch!"

Right to my face.

THIS IS MY ANSWER:

"So? Now what?

What happens now?"

It's not that I'm a b*tch.

I'm just smart.

I don't put myself in situations

where I'm not gonna win.

That don't make me a b*tch.

Here's what really

PISSES ME OFF:

If I am a b*tch,

that's our business.

Don't nobody know me.

You don't know me, man.

If me and you

get into an argument,

it don't matter what I say,

If me and you

get into an argument,

it don't matter what I say,

you got to believe me

'cause you don't know

what I'm capable of.

Same thing vice-versa.

Only way you could tell

if I was a b*tch

is if somebody close

to me says something to set

an alarm off in your head.

That's the type of sh*t she do.

We're at dinner.

I'm a little drunk.

I'm not gonna lie.

I get into an argument

with this guy, hit him

with some thug sh*t.

"Say something else to me,

I'm gonna go to my car,

I'ma pop the trunk

on your b*tch ass."

That means I'm gonna

go to my car, get a gun,

come back,

shoot this sh*t up.

When I said it,

she was like, "what you

gonna get, the car seat?"

"B*tch, what--

"B*tch, what--

Oh my God.

Why would you say that

out loud? Way to go.

Congratulations on messing this up for me.

Congratulations."

Women, y'all make me

mad with that.

I'm gonna tell you what

pisses me off, ladies.

I hate the fact, women,

that you cannot control

your anger.

I hate it.

I really hate it.

Women, you need to learn

to put a cap on your anger.

You know what I mean

when I say "cap,"

sweetie? A cap.

It means a point

that you will never go above.

It means a point

that you will never go above.

That's a cap.

Men, we have a cap.

What's the worst thing

you'll ever say to a woman?

- Shouldn't take

that long, fellas.

- MAN:
B*tch.

"B*tch." There you go.

Come in different levels.

( increasing pitches )

"B*tch! Hey! B*tch! B*tch!"

Different levels.

Different levels.

( chuckles )

Women, y'all don't

have a cap.

Y'all try to cut so deep

when you get mad.

You want to mess with

a man's pride, his goals.

Y'all say stuff that

ain't nobody's business.

It's Christmas.

My mother's here.

It's Christmas.

My mother's here.

You bring up personal stuff

'cause you got an attitude.

"Yeah, whatever.

Yeah, whatever.

Whatever. F*** you,

pissin'-in-the-bed boy.

Uh-huh! What now?

That's right.

Go upstairs,

flip the mattress.

It's a big-ass piss stain

on the other side

'cause you don't know

how to control your bladder.

Boo-ya!

Right in front of your ma."

Now you gotta sit there

with the "she lyin'" face.

"What?

You're a liar.

No, you're a liar.

You're a liar.

No, you're a liar.

You're a liar.

That's Mountain Dew.

I didn't pee on anything."

That's the difference.

Ladies, y'all go too far.

When you get mad,

y'all see red.

Y'all go to the point

of no return, man.

Why do you grab

the steering wheel

while a man is driving?

Why? Why?!

We both in the car.

You're gonna kill us both.

But you don't care

'cause you see red.

( falsetto )

"F*** you!

( screams )

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