Kevin Hart: Seriously Funny Page #6

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Kill us!

Kill us both!"

Kill us!

Kill us both!"

"Hey. Hey!

Kill your side, b*tch.

Ain't no 'kill us.'

us ain't mad.

You got the attitude."

I know women.

I can break women down.

I'm gonna

tell you guys something

that you're not gonna like,

but you need to hear it.

You need to hear it.

Not one woman in this room

likes for her man

to have a good time

when she's not around.

Not one.

It's a true statement.

I see some of y'all lookin'

at me with attitude.

I see some of y'all lookin'

at me with attitude.

"Not true. I don't care.

Have fun. Shut up.

Kill yourself."

Let me tell you why.

Just listen.

Let me tell you why

I feel like this, okay?

I don't say anything

that I cannot prove.

That's your lady

right there, right?

If I'm wrong, sweetie,

tell me I'm wrong.

You ever been

out with your boys?

You're with your boys.

You ain't doing nothing wrong.

Ain't no women around.

You're having a good time

with your boys.

She call you

while you out.

When you pick up the phone,

she hears fun

in the background.

That's why they

get an attitude.

'cause she hears fun.

You pick up the phone

having a good time.

( laughs )

"Hey, shut up, Steve!

Hey! No, hey,

I ain't gonna take

another shot.

No, hey!

( screeches )

Yo, I swear to God

that was like the best

night of my life.

I swear to God.

Hey.

Hey, what's up, babe?"

( flatly )

"You know what?

Nothing. Do you.

I haven't

got time for this.

Do you, boo boo.

Do you,

boo boo.

Do you, boo boo.

Do you,

boo boo.

You know why?

'cause I'ma do me!

( shrieks )

Do you, boo boo!

Do you!

Every time I call

you always laughing.

( shrieks )

What the f***

is so funny?!

You laughing

at my stretch marks?"

"What? Nobody knows

you have stretch marks."

( shrieks )

"Whatever!"

Y'all crazy, man.

Y'all are crazy.

I'm very serious, man.

I'll-- I'll go

a step further.

For those people that

are not believers yet,

I'll go a step further.

For those people that

are not believers yet,

I'll go a step further.

Fellas, you ever

have a genuine laugh

around your lady?

I'm talking about

to where your stomach hurt.

You know the good laughs?

One of them.

( mimics laughter )

You ever look

at your lady's face?

See how mad she get

'cause she's not

a part of the laugh?

Look at her face.

You think I'm lying?

( mimics laughter )

"What the hell

are you laughing at?"

"I don't know.

I thought everything was cool.

I didn't know."

I thought everything was cool.

I didn't know."

I know what

I'm talking about.

Ladies, I know what

you guys are thinking.

You're like, "whatever.

Men, you do

the same thing too.

Y'all get an attitude

with us when we go out."

I'll tell you something, ladies.

We don't really give a f***.

Let me tell you why.

Hey, listen. Listen.

We don't.

It's all an act, okay?

If you guys could

see how much fun we have

when you leave the house

and we're alone--

There's so much fun stuff

that happens.

You'll never know

about this stuff.

It's just a good time.

We got to put on that show

so you feel like we care.

We got to put on that show

so you feel like we care.

It's all a show.

"Babe, no.

Come on, babe.

Babe, please.

Every night with them.

Come on.

Spend time with me,

your man--

And the b*tch is gone.

Yeah! Yeah!

Oh oh, I'm by myself

What?

Oh, I'm by myself

What I'm gonna do?

What I'm gonna do?

I'ma beat my dick,

I'm gonna beat my dick

I'ma get it,

I'ma get it

Where the laptop at?

Where the laptop at?

I'ma get it,

I'ma get it. "

That's what we do.

That's what we do.

Soon as you leave,

there's so much filth

that goes down.

If you don't believe me--

If you don't believe me,

ladies,

next time you leave the house,

come back in five minutes.

I bet you catch him

doing nasty sh*t.

Bet money.

Bet money you catch him.

Soon as you leave,

come back in.

"Hey! Get the--

Hey, girl.

I thought you said

you was going to work.

God damn it.

You got somebody with you?

Is somebody with you?

Wait a minute.

Let me clean up.

Let me blow

these candles out.

( blowing )

God damn it.

I thought you was

gonna be gone all day.

( blows )

Set up an evening

for myself,

you gonna come back

all fast.

Why didn't you ring a bell?

You don't ring bells?

You just gonna use a key

'cause you live here.

You are something else.

( chuckles )

Something else."

I know what

I'm talking about.

I know what

I'm talking about.

Ladies, I'm gonna be honest.

I understand you guys.

I really do.

I understand you guys.

Your biggest fear

is not being fun.

You don't ever want

your man to think that

you're not fun.

That's why you're always

looking for validation.

Always. You're always

looking for validation.

"Babe, I'm fun, right?

Huh? Babe, look.

Remember?

Right?

Remember that time?

Remember? Jump shot.

Remember, I was like,

'ahhh, in your face.

Michael jordaaan.'

remember? No?"

Michael jordaaan.'

remember? No?"

See? That's why we try

to make you feel fun.

That's why we listen

to your stories.

To be honest,

I can't stand when

women tell stories.

I hate it.

It makes my balls itch.

I hate it.

I swear.

It's just a bunch of words

with no plot, no middle,

no ending

and it's always angry.

Why are all your stories

so angry?

Everything about work is mean.

How come nothing good

ever happens at work?

It's always bad.

"Babe, let me tell you

about this b*tch Sabrina

at the office today.

"Babe, let me tell you

about this b*tch Sabrina

at the office today.

First of all,

she comes in the office

with white stockings on

and black shoes.

Uh, excuse me, b*tch,

Labor Day is over.

Huh? 'scuse me. Boop.

Thank you.

Backspace.

Delete that. Huh-uh."

They start talking about

problems in the office.

We don't f***in' know.

"Let me tell you

what she did, baby.

She come to me

talking about,

'can you go print this

out the fax machine?'

'uh, no.

I am an executive

administrative assistant,

not your assistant.'"

we got to act like we know

what's going on.

"Whaaaat?

"Whaaaat?

She told you to print it

out the fax machine?

Huh-uh.

No, she didn't.

That b*tch is crazy.

Not my baby."

"Thank you."

They all turn

into the computers.

"Thank you.

I told the b*tch, 'boop.

Backspace. No. L-o-l.

R-t-o-f-m-a-o.

Thank you.

Delete that.

M-t-f-o-m-o-f-o-h-s."

"What did you just say?"

"Get the f*** out of my face.

We can't curse in the office."

"Okay."

I don't understand

you guys.

I love you, but I don't

understand you.

I love you, but I don't

understand you.

But as men,

we have to.

I'm not gonna lie.

We're not perfect.

We are not perfect.

I know I'm not perfect.

The reason why, ladies?

You've got a little

to do with that.

You put men on too high

of a pedestal.

Whatever pedestal

you have us on,

take us off.

It's too high.

We're never gonna meet

your expectations.

Take us off.

I'm serious.

HERE'S THE THING ABOUT MEN:

Once you realize

we do dumb sh*t,

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