Kevin Hart: Seriously Funny Page #7

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we're dumb sometimes,

we're gonna f*** up--

That's our nature as a man.

we're gonna f*** up--

That's our nature as a man.

Once you guys realize that

we'll get along so much better.

If you don't believe me

that men do dumb sh*t

and don't realize it,

listen to 'em.

Listen to the answers

we give you

when we do dumb sh*t.

You ever hear how dumb

our answers are when

we do dumb sh*t?

"So you just gonna

sit down there at the pool

with all them naked b*tches?"

"Well, I thought it was cool.

( mumbles )

I'm waitin' on you

to come down."

This right here is the national

dumb nigga stance.

Whenever your man--

Whenever he get bow-legged

and touch his face...

"I'm waitin'

on everybody else.

"I'm waitin'

on everybody else.

I'm thinkin' everybody

gonna eat the chips."

"What?

What are you

talking about, man?"

I know I'm not perfect.

I know I do dumb sh*t.

I do.

I can admit that.

I've never done

crazy stuff.

I ain't never put

my hands on my lady.

I never went that far.

I plunked her one time.

I did do that.

Right in the forehead.

Mm, it was solid.

It just jumped out my body.

I don't know where

it came from.

She was driving,

I'm like, "b*tch,

you think it's a game?"

She was driving,

I'm like, "b*tch,

you think it's a game?"

You would've thought

I'd hit her in the head

with a bat.

She went...

( screams )

I was scared.

I thought I was going to jail.

"Hey, I'm sorry.

Get your plunk back.

Here. Get it.

Plunk me back.

Let's be even.

Come on.

Plunk me back.

I just wanna be even.

Please please?

Can you please plunk me back?"

That's just me being honest.

There are certain things

I'm not good at.

I'm not a good

storm-outter, people.

I can admit that.

For those who do not know

what storming out is,

that's when you

leave the house angry.

that's when you

leave the house angry.

"I'm sick of this! I'm gone!"

Slam the door.

Boom!

The purpose of storming out

is to leave the illusion

in your lady's head

that you're never

coming back.

When you slam the door,

she's supposed to break down.

Soon as you slam the door.

"I'm gone!" Boom!

She breaks down.

This is my impression

of a woman breaking down.

"No. Oh my God,

please don't.

No. No,

don't do this to me.

No, every time I do this,

you do this.

No."

( mumbles )

I hate when women cry

and try to talk.

I can't stand that sh*t.

I can't stand that sh*t.

"I ain't wanna do that.

I ain't tryin' to do nothing."

I look like the first

slave to ever walk.

"I don't want to do nothing.

I was just trying..."

( mumbles )

It's too much.

I'm gonna tell you why

I'm not a good storm-outter.

You know why?

I forget stuff.

You can't storm out

and forget sh*t,

'cause you got to go back,

get the sh*t you forgot.

You look stupid.

Trust me, fellas.

I know from experience.

You leave angry--

"I'm sick of this, man!

I'm done!

You leave angry--

"I'm sick of this, man!

I'm done!

I don't care!

I'm done! Forget you!

Forget the house.

I'm out!" Boom!

"Don't give a sh*t, man.

My keys. God damn it.

My keys on the thing.

Babe, let me get my keys

on the top of the thing.

I left my keys up

on the top of the thing.

Please."

I need my keys.

I need my keys

'cause I got to

get in my car.

When I get in my car,

I get my car on,

step on the gas,

make the tires burn out.

( mimics tire screech )

Reason why I do that?

Women, you can't handle it.

You break down

after a while.

Women, you can't handle it.

You break down

after a while.

"Oh my God, no.

He's gonna kill himself.

No no.

Don't do it.

Do the speed limit,

please. No.

Every time..."

( chuckles )

That's my impression

of women.

Had to get out of there.

Tell you another reason why

I can't storm out

of the house correctly.

My son always

want to come.

Can't storm out with a kid.

It take too long.

A storm out's

gotta be fast.

In and out.

Boom boom, quick.

My son be at the door.

"Mm mm."

"No! No!

Stay with your mother."

( mimics fussing )

"No! No!

Stay with your mother."

( mimics fussing )

"Boy, God damn it,

stay with your ma."

This is when women

try to use kids

as ammunition.

"Look at you.

You can't even take

your son with you.

He want to go with his dad,

but you can't even take

your son with you."

Now I can't be

a piece of sh*t.

I've got to prove a point.

I got to take him.

I'll tell you something, fellas,

you look stupid when you

try to keep your attitude

and get a baby's

sh*t together.

You look dumb.

From experience,

you look stupid.

"I don't give a sh*t.

I'll take him.

Get the diaper bag.

Put the sippy cup and sh*t

in the bag.

Get the diaper bag.

Put the sippy cup and sh*t

in the bag.

Put the change of clothes

and sh*t in the bag."

This is when I knew

I looked stupid.

When I did this

with the diaper bag,

"b*tch, you think

I give a f*** about you--

Let me tell you something,

you got another thing coming."

When I swung the diaper bag

over my shoulder--

"You got another

goddamn thing coming

if you think

I give a sh*t."

It wasn't good, man.

This is me

speaking the truth.

See, I can talk

about relationships.

I've been in one for years.

I know relationships.

I've been in one for years.

I know relationships.

I see a lot of couples

here together.

You guys don't understand

what you're in.

You don't know

how serious it is.

I don't mind seeing couples.

I don't like seeing new couples.

I can't stand new love.

I hate it.

That's me being honest.

It's too much.

I don't like over love.

You ever see those couples

that go too far,

that's too much?

You ever see a couple

that's newly in love

try to share?

You ever witness that?

"Hey, babe.

Hey. Babe.

Hey, love button.

Hey, love button.

Hey, I got a little bit

of juice left.

You want some juice?

Yeah? You wanna take a sip,

I'll take a sip,

you take a sip?

You want to do it

like that?

You wanna go

'sip sip sip' like that

back and forth?

Yeah? Go ahead.

Take a sip.

Ah. Give it to me.

( babbles )

You do it.

( babbles )

Same time. Do it.

Your nose is in the way.

No, your nose

is in the way.

( babbles )

I love you."

( babbles )

Too much.

I f***in' hate it.

I like older couples.

I like older couples.

I like couples

that's got time in, man.

You know why?

I like to see those

couples argue.

Couples with time in,

small problems become

big problems.

If you've got time in,

juice can become a problem.

Let you go buy some juice

and she's with you while

you buy the juice.

You go outside,

open up the juice,

she asks for a sip.

Bet money you lose your mind

over that sip of juice.

Bet money you snap.

Soon as you get outside,

"babe, let me get a sip."

"Uh, b*tch, didn't you

just see me buy the juice

when I was inside?

"Uh, b*tch, didn't you

just see me buy the juice

when I was inside?

So if you wanted some juice,

why didn't you ask

for some juice?

Now you want

a sip of my juice,

f*** around,

take a double sip,

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