Kevin Hart: Seriously Funny Page #8

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I'm left with a little ass sip

'cause your over-thirsty ass

want to take a double sip.

No, get your own juice.

Walk your fat ass inside,

you sippin'-juice bastard.

You wasn't even

thinking about juice."

That'll be

on your mind all day.

Seven hours later,

you'll bring it back up.

"A sip of my goddamn juice.

You are something else,

you know that?

You are something else.

You weren't even thinking

about the juice."

I got into an argument

over mashed potatoes one time.

We almost broke up.

I'm very serious.

You know what I don't play?

I don't play that picking off

my plate stuff, ladies.

Don't pick off my plate.

I'm very serious.

I don't like it.

In the beginning, men,

we have to do it.

The reason why?

We're still trying

to impress you.

So we go overboard.

"Hey, you want a little piece?

Yeah?

You want me to cut it?

Yeah, I'll cut it.

I'll give you all this.

I'll just leave this

little piece for myself.

Yeah. No no no.

I probably should eat

the whole thing

'cause I'm a diabetic,

but no, I just want you

to be happy.

Yeah. You should

definitely drive home.

I can't see.

It's a little blurry."

We go overboard.

I'm gonna tell you

why I got mad.

We're at a restaurant

getting ready to eat dinner.

Her food comes

out before mine.

"You want me to wait?"

I said, "no, eat your food.

Mine'll be out.

Don't worry about it."

She's eating.

I don't ask

for any of her food.

"Enjoy your food, babe."

My food comes out.

He says, "enjoy your meal."

I said, "thank you, sir."

I take my napkin, fop,

put it on my lap.

The reason I go fop, it's big

to me 'cause I'm small.

The reason I go fop, it's big

to me 'cause I'm small.

It takes up a lot of space.

So I bow my head

to say my grace.

As I'm saying my grace,

I hear a metal fork

on my plate.

"Uh, b*tch, you can't

wait till I'm done

talking to Jesus

before you touch

my goddamn plate?"

You know how mad that made me?

"Take the goddamn food, b*tch!"

I snapped.

I get mad fast.

Little sh*t pisses me off.

Takes a lot of patience, man.

Whole lot of patience

to be in a relationship.

I'm understanding that now.

I'm understanding that

in a relationship,

I'm understanding that now.

I'm understanding that

in a relationship,

things will change, people.

Nothing stays great forever.

Sex will change.

In the beginning,

it's amazing.

You know why?

Men, we're creative.

We're spontaneous.

We've got a bunch of stuff

we want you to do.

"Come on,

let's do this.

Let's try this."

We've got a whole

bunch of stuff.

But after a while, fellas,

we get repetitive.

We start to do the same thing

over and over again.

Your lady will never

tell you this.

You got to be a real man.

You got to check your ego

to figure this out.

I'm gonna tell you how

you can tell

if you've been doing

the same stuff for years.

She ever get into a position

before you put her in it?

She ever get into a position

before you put her in it?

Think about it.

Just think about it a second.

That's how you can tell.

That's how

they mess with you.

You'll be having sex,

she's like...

( moaning )

"You want me

to turn over, right?

I knew it.

Same thing since '88.

You ain't changed."

She start answering questions

before you ask 'em.

"It's yours."

"I ain't say sh*t."

"You're about to.

You say the same thing

every time my ass

get up in the air.

You're about to come.

Watch, here it come.

You're about to come.

Watch, here it come.

You came?

I told you. High-five.

What'd I tell you?

I know my man.

Give it to me.

Up top."

Your dumb ass

get up dancing.

"You're goddamn right.

I tore that thing up."

No, you didn't.

No, you didn't.

It's the same dumbass moves

that you've been doing.

I know I'm not good

at sex anymore.

I know it.

No need for me to lie.

We've been together

too long.

I'm not gonna lie.

I've tried to rekindle

this flame, people.

I have.

I tried to spice it up.

Tried having

phone sex and stuff,

Tried having

phone sex and stuff,

but it's hard for me.

I've got too many people

in my house.

I got kids,

I got a nanny.

I got to call

at the right time.

I call one time,

she picked up.

I was like, "what you doin'?"

"Nothing. Laying down"

I said, "why don't you

lick your finger and touch

your nipple?"

She said, "what?"

I said, "shut up.

Just do it."

Out of nowhere,

all I heard was,

"daddy, you want me

to do mine too?"

"Hello? Hello?

Hello?

Is that the baby

on the phone?

Well, what the hell

is the baby doing on

the goddamn phone?"

Well, what the hell

is the baby doing on

the goddamn phone?"

When I came home,

it's like, "daddy!"

"Hey, no!

No! Come here.

That's gay!

Come here.

Let me tell you something!"

I didn't know what to do.

I did not know

what to do.

It's a difficult time

for me.

I'm gonna

tell you something.

I'm gonna tell you where

all of my sex advice comes from.

My grandpop.

My grandpop gives me

the best advice ever.

I love my grandpop to death.

I wish everybody could

meet my grandpop.

I love my grandpop to death.

I wish everybody could

meet my grandpop.

If you're lucky enough

to have your grandparents

in your life,

and you wanna laugh--

Listen to me.

Shouts out to all y'all

with grandparents.

If you got a grandparent

in your life

and want to laugh,

ask your grandpop--

Just see what he say--

Say, "grandpop,

when's the last time

you had some ass?"

Just to see--

Just to see what he says.

I promise you it'll be

the funniest sh*t you ever

heard in your life.

My grandpop never answered.

He just said a bunch of stuff.

This is not a joke.

I said, "grandpop, when's

the last time you had some ass?"

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID:

"Hey hey, look at me.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID:

"Hey hey, look at me.

Okay?

Hey hey.

Hey. What'd I do?

You know what I did.

All right? Okay?

Let me tell you something.

I put that key in that door

and locked that motherf***er,

didn't I?

Hey. Okay? Hey. Gave her

that goddamn 'wha-whan,'

yes, I did. Yes, I did!

Look at my eyes.

Roll 'em."

"What? What does

any of that mean?

What did you just say?

What did you say,

grandpop?"

I'm telling you, man,

he's funny.

My grandpa's one of those

old down-south old men.

When my grandpa cuss,

he pronounce every letter

in the cuss word.

"Sh-ee-it-tt!"

Like he's serious.

He's serious old, man.

Let me tell you.

This is what he does

every day.

All my grandpop do every day--

He just stand at the

screen door

and just complain

and sh*t.

He just fuss all day.

"Look look look look

look look look.

"Look look look look

look look look.

Look look look at this.

Somebody come look at this.

Look at this.

Somebody come look at this.

Look at this.

Goddamn cat drinking milk

out the bowl.

Get out the bowl!"

This is what makes me laugh.

After he yell at somethin',

he stare at it for a long time.

"Get out the bowl!"

He was asleep.

He fell asleep.

I wish y'all

could see him.

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