Kevin Hart: Seriously Funny Page #9

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Kids be teasin' him.

Kids are mean, man.

Why are kids so mean?

'cause they know he can't

get out the screen door.

They tease him.

They come up to the door.

They tease him.

They come up to the door.

Sh*t.

He gets so mad.

( mimics splutter )

Have you ever seen

an old person

get real pissed off

till they start making

them noises?

( mimics splutter )

"What?

What'd he say?"

"He's just angry.

He's an angry old man."

I saw my grandpop fall

one time.

Funniest sh*t I've ever

seen in my life.

Took my grandpop

47 seconds to fall.

Took my grandpop

47 seconds to fall.

It took too long.

It took way too long.

It's funny,

but it's not funny.

I'm gonna show you

exactly what I saw.

This is how my grandpa fell.

This is exactly what I saw.

Ahh...

I got tired of watching.

I just kicked it.

"Stop. Let go.

I got tired of watching.

I just kicked it.

"Stop. Let go.

Stop it. Stop it.

It could have been over.

You've not even

got that far. Stop.

It's too much,

grandpop."

Watching people fall

is funny.

When was the last time

you really fell?

"Oh oh oh!"

One of those.

"Oh no no!"

Hey, Shaq, when you fall

during the games,

it's the funniest sh*t

I've ever seen in my life.

Hey, you ever see his legs

after he fall?

Next time, look.

I'm telling you, y'all.

Next time you watch

a game and he fall,

this exactly what he do.

Look, it's always

something stupid.

He go up to get a rebound,

he don't get it.

"Oh. No."

LeBron. This is LeBron.

Look at him.

LeBron. This is LeBron.

Look at him.

"God damn it, Shaq.

Get your ass-- Sh*t, man.

Get up."

"I didn't know.

I didn't know."

( laughing )

Okay, one more, one more.

Shaq, this is how

you fall frontwards.

"Hey, no.

Oh God, please."

Holy sh*t!

Holy sh*t!

Oh, y'all got to look

at the coach's face.

Y'all don't watch

the right sh*t, man.

This is Shaq falling

and this is the coach.

"Somebody help his ass up.

LeBron, get him up!"

( mumbles gruffly )

"No no no.

I pushed him too hard."

I told you I was gonna

f*** with you.

I'm gonna tell y'all,

the f***ed-up part

about that joke?

I f***ed my knee up just now.

That sh*t hurt.

That sh*t hurt

so goddamn bad.

I tried to run it off.

That sh*t locked up

on me, didn't it?

That age is coming out.

That sh*t hurt like hell.

Talking about people falling.

Talking about people falling.

Tell you who else is funny

to watch fall.

Women, you don't fall,

you buckle.

I like watching

you guys buckle--

That heel.

Fop fop.

I like that.

That heel get hold of y'all.

Fop fop real quick.

Oh, that's the funniest

sh*t ever to me.

Y'all don't know

how to play it off.

Y'all don't know--

They don't know

what to do so they try

to stay regular.

It's always

on a cute night. "No, girl.

They talkin' 'bout--

Tonight-- No no, b*tch.

Please, get the--

Get the heel.

No, it's slushy.

Get the heel.

No, it's slushy.

Get the heel.

Get the heel

back there, please."

Or y'all do--

Or y'all do that sh*t--

Or y'all do that sh*t

where y'all miss a step.

You ever see a girl

miss a step?

She don't fall down the steps.

Y'all ride 'em.

"N-n-no."

Y'all do that right there?

"N-n-no no no.

N-n-no."

You ever notice there's always

a pervert guy to catch you?

"N-n-no."

"I got you.

God damn. I got you.

Oh, damn it.

God damn.

You almost fell,

didn't you?

You almost fell,

didn't you?

I got you.

No, I got you

by your titties.

That's what I caught

you by-- Your titties.

Jesus.

I've never seen

anybody fall like that.

That was good.

I caught her right there.

Did you see how I caught her?

Her titty was in my hand."

I'm joking around

and making fun of

people falling,

old people and stuff,

but I can do that.

Know why?

I have old people

in my life that I'm close to.

My road manager and I

are very close.

He's older. He's old.

We fight a lot though.

It's kind of

like a relationship.

Been around me for years.

He was with me before money

even came into the picture.

He's the one scrambling

up for me.

When you're around

somebody for so long,

naturally you start

to butt heads.

Little sh*t annoy you.

I don't like

the way he sneezes.

I don't like it.

I swear to God,

when he sneeze,

it's a close call.

I swear to God,

when he sneeze,

it's a close call.

You think

he's about to die.

This is how he sneeze.

I'm not bullshitting.

It's the scariest sh*t

I've ever heard in my life.

( mimics raucous sneeze )

I've never seen nobody

catch their breath

from a sneeze.

He's old though, man.

He does so much sh*t

that pisses me off.

I don't like it

when people are slow.

He's very slow.

When you get in the car,

how long does it take

you to pull off?

When you get in the car,

how long does it take

you to pull off?

A couple seconds, right?

Okay.

It took him 25 minutes

to pull off the other day.

I'm dead serious.

I can't--

I can't tell you.

I got to show you.

But don't make me

laugh, okay?

I'm gonna show you

exactly what he did.

Okay.

I'm in the car.

I'm in the passenger seat.

I got my seatbelt on.

I'm ready for him.

All he's got to do

is get in, pull off.

I'm gonna show you.

Don't make me laugh though.

"All right.

Let's go.

( grunts )

Okay.

( mimics sneeze )

Oh. Oh no.

Okay.

Hey hey.

Hey, Kevin.

Hey, Kevin.

Hey, Kevin.

Hey.

Hey hey, Kevin.

Look where they at."

Now I don't wanna laugh

'cause I wanna see what

he's gonna say

about taking so long.

This is exactly what he did.

I'm not bullshitting.

"Oh God. All right.

All right, let's go.

All right.

Got it.

All right, got it.

Got it.

Got it.

You ready? You ready

to get on out of here?"

You ready? You ready

to get on out of here?"

"What the f-- Yes.

I'm waiting on you.

Come on."

This is the sh*t

that pissed me off.

He's all, "let's go.

Gotcha gotcha gotcha."

What the f*** is this?

"Why are you shooting at me?"

That sh*t made me so mad.

Like "what the f***?

Don't put your hands

in my face.

You're being an a**hole.

Just drive, man.

Don't say sh*t to me.

Just drive the car."

That is the only time

I've ever cussed at Nate.

He'd never got mad

to the point where

he'd cuss back.

This is the first time

he ever cussed back at me.

I could tell how old he was

by the way he cussed at me.

I could tell how old he was

by the way he cussed at me.

THIS IS WHAT HE SAID:

"Let me tell you

something, sucka.

Hey! Listen, Jack,

you ain't nothing

but a piece of cheese

without the corners.

In other words,

you ain't never gonna be

a slice, b*tch."

"What did you

just say to me?"

"You heard what

the f*** I said."

Here's the thing--

I give Nate a lot of sh*t.

I tease Nate a lot, okay?

But at the end of the day,

he's got my back.

I know he does.

Nate'd take a bullet

for me if he had to.

How do I know this?

It's been confirmed.

All right?

We was in Dallas, Texas--

We was in Dallas, Texas--

Me, Nate, my boy Harry,

Wayne, spank--

My lady was with me.

We having a good time.

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