Kevin Hart: Seriously Funny Page #10

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We do a show, we're at

the after party.

We gettin' it in.

Mmm mmm

Get money,

mmm mmm

Get money.

We gettin' it in, right?

I look up,

the owner of the club,

he got my lady by the arm,

her girlfriend by the other arm,

he's throwing them out.

I saw it happen,

but I acted like I didn't

'cause I didn't want to

be a part of it.

I didn't want

to be involved.

My boy Wayne

was like, "yo, he got

your girl by the arm."

"What? Chill.

Don't nobody do sh*t.

I got it."

"What? Chill.

Don't nobody do sh*t.

I got it."

I run up to him.

I say, "don't put your

hands on my lady, man."

I pushed him.

He didn't go back that far,

but it was

a good push for me.

It was all I had.

When I did it,

he was like, "security!"

Security came up,

grabbed me, put me in

a full-Nelson.

Now you know how

you think you making

somebody struggle?

You think you

give 'em a hard way to go?

I thought I was,

but I wasn't.

I was just moving my face.

I was like...

( grunts )

So now in my mind, I'm like,

"where is Wayne at?"

That's my security guard.

That's who I pay for sh*t

like this not to happen.

On cue, Wayne and my boy

spank come running up,

On cue, Wayne and my boy

spank come running up,

they grab

the security guards.

They're like, "get off him.

Let him go."

Now I hear 'em.

I'm still in a full-Nelson,

but I hear my friends

so I feel better.

I know I'm safe now.

But before they let me go,

the owner mushes me!

He puts his hand on my face.

"I said get the f***

outta here."

Mushed me.

I never had nobody

put their hand on my face.

I didn't know what to do.

I didn't know how

to get it off.

I panicked.

I panicked.

I licked his palm.

I licked the sh*t

out of his palm.

"Get your hands...

Off my face."

He was like...

( guttural grunt )

He was like...

( guttural grunt )

Then they let me go.

Now I'm free,

but I'm not leaving

'cause I don't want him

to think I'm a b*tch.

So I run back up to him.

"Yo, man, don't put your

hands on my face.

You don't know me like that."

As I'm talking to him,

I'm like, "oh sh*t,

he's in a fighting stance.

Kev, he about to hit you.

Protect yourself.

Better yet,

hit him first."

I throw a punch.

Punched him right in the face.

Bow! Never hit nobody

in the face before.

I was excited.

I celebrated.

I was like,

"yeah, b*tch.

You don't want it.

Real niggas.

All day.

D-block. All day.

By myself.

Gun on my waist.

By myself.

Gun on my waist.

Smile on my face.

In jail.

One bed.

One blanket.

You wanna go

night night, nigga?

You wanna

go night night, nigga?"

So now he tries

to tackle me.

As I'm in my speech,

he tackles me.

Why would you tackle me?

I'm small.

I got a low

center of gravity.

I get him off me.

I start uppercutting him.

Mmm mmm mmm.

Whipping his ass.

He realizes that he's losing.

He tries to call

his security guard back.

"Thomas, Thomas,

come help."

I look over.

Wayne, my security guard--

Wayne got a real big stomach.

Wayne had Thomas

on the wall.

Wayne got a real big stomach.

Wayne had Thomas

on the wall.

When I looked over,

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I SAW:

Wayne was like,

"what you doin'?

Where you goin'?

No, what you doin'?

Where you gonna go?

What you doin'?"

It didn't look good.

I didn't know if he

was helping me

or helping his self.

I never brought it back up.

I didn't want to know.

So now reality has kicked in.

"Oh sh*t,

I'm in Dallas, Texas.

If I get arrested out here,

I'm not getting out of jail

till, like, Tuesday."

I'm like, "yo, let's go.

Get the car.

Nate, get the car!

Let's go!"

This is how I knew

Nate was O.G.

This is how I knew

Nate was O.G.

Nate got the car,

pulled the car up on the curb,

blocked the whole

curb off, right?

I've never seen Nate

this hype in my life.

He was hype as sh*t.

He's like, "hey!

Get Kev in the car!

Hurry up, man!

Hurry up before the cops come.

Somebody grab his head,

push his head down so

they don't see him."

When he said that,

I was like, "oh sh*t.

Nate used to be a killer.

How else would

he know what to do

in a situation

like this?

I don't even know

who he is anymore."

Then he snaps on me.

"I can't believe you, Kevin.

You got a career!

You doin' television,

you doin' movies.

You gonna jeopardize that sh*t

for a street fight?

You gonna jeopardize that sh*t

for a street fight?

That's stupid!

Let's go!

Hurry up, man!

Hurry up 'fore the cops come.

We don't have time.

Y'all wanna do what

y'all wanna do.

We got to get the hell

out of here.

We don't have

this type of time."

( mimics siren )

We never pulled off.

We got locked up on the spot.

Cleveland, I love y'all.

My name's Kev Hart.

Thank you.

( music playing )

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