Kevin Hart: What Now?

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(SINGER VOCALIZING)

(SINGING) The stakes are high

And the world hangs

in the balance

He's a man

And, oh, what a man

Of many talents

If the sky starts to fall

There's no one bigger

With his finger

on the trigger

He's the man with the plan

The one with the gun

Kevin

Nothing can stop him

The spy in disguise

With his eye on the prize

Hart

He's taking over the world

Agent Five-Four

Stronger than Thor

Kevin

Kevin fears nothing

Hart

With a license to kill

And jokes that are ill

Kevin

He's taking over the world

Come through, Kevin

Kevin

He's the one that you call

If your back's at the wall

Hart

Agent Five-Four

Kevin

The guy that prevails

On a whole global scale

Kevin

He's taking over the world

Kevin Hart

(SINGER LAUGHING)

SINGER:
(SCREAMING) Kevin!

You're late.

Better late

than never.

Do you have

the package?

Of course, I have

the package, Kevin.

Don't I always

have the package?

No, you don't.

Which is why I'm asking you,

"Do you have the package?"

When was the last time

I didn't have the package?

You didn't have

the package in Guam.

Guam?

Yes, Guam.

Why you gonna

bring up Guam?

I'm answering

a question that

you asked me.

What are you talking about?

You just... (VOCALIZING)

What are you saying?

You didn't have

the package in Guam,

which is why I asked you,

"Did you have

the package?"

Yes, I got the package.

So if you had said that

when I first asked you,

then we wouldn't even be

having this conversation.

Guam is over.

I know! I'm not

thinking about Guam!

We at another place,

another time. Let's go.

All you ever

talk about is Guam.

Don't storm past me!

F*** Guam.

Same sh*t you did in Guam!

Guam all over again!

Okay, listen.

You walking away

is not gonna change

the point that

I'm trying to make.

Okay, I forgot something

one time! Just one time!

Okay, so did

you forget it?

One time.

Okay, so that validates

what I'm saying...

MAN:
Mr. Hart.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Do you have

your buy-in money?

Of course.

Here it is.

Thank you.

Let's cut the sh*t.

Put your game face on,

'cause there's our guy.

Girl, if you don't

grab my arm...

Grab my arm.

(PLAYING MELLOW MUSIC)

Good evening.

How are you?

And you must be

LeBron's little

replacement.

Yes?

Welcome to

the game, Mr...

Hart.

The name is Kevin Hart.

Or maybe it's

Mr. Bond, huh?

It's a little confusing.

He's so little.

What? What?

What'd he say?

Okay, Kevin. Kevin.

What did you say?

Don't let him get you

off your game. Okay?

Come on now.

Good luck.

Luck is for people

who are inadequate...

Okay, Kevin, not now.

Okay. Right.

Not now.

Go do it.

Whiskey, please.

Coming right up.

(CLEARS THROAT)

There you are.

I only ordered one.

Oh, I know.

(SLURPS)

(EXHALES)

(IN STRONG FRENCH ACCENT)

The game is no-limit poker.

Five communal cards.

Two in the hole.

I'm sorry, what?

Two cards in the hole.

No, nothing's

going in my hole.

I don't know

what game this is,

but we're not

gonna play it today.

No, sir. What I'm going

to do, I'm going to

put out five cards

and then I will later

pull out two more.

Oh! Oh.

Okay, well, talk slower.

Minimum stake

is $1 million.

Lines begin at

$5,000 and $10,000.

This game is

winner take all.

There are no prizes

for second place.

Good luck to you all.

It's a shame you gotta

drink alone tonight.

I said,

it's a shame you gotta

drink alone tonight.

I heard you.

I bet $50,000.

I fold.

$50,000 to you,

Mr. Hart.

$100,000.

$100,000? You serious?

You haven't even

looked at your cards.

I don't need to

look at my cards.

I see right through you,

and you know what I see?

I see someone who

doesn't have sh*t.

What does he have

that I don't have?

Everything.

Look at him.

He's super intelligent.

What are these?

Five.

Five? Okay,

so let me count this out.

Five, 10.

What are the black?

You don't need black.

You have these big blue ones.

He's charming.

Why wouldn't you

use two blue ones?

I don't understand,

it's the same.

For some reason,

I thought that me

and him were in a hand.

You little sawed-off...

He's charismatic.

F***, you all took

my iPhone when I came in.

You don't have to do math.

Just put another blue one on top of them.

I gotta start over.

Every time you all talk to me,

I gotta start over again.

You know what?

I see your point.

I see your point.

And everything on him isn't small.

(SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN)

Sir, if you wanna talk

to me, I'm right here.

"How did this idiot get in here," you say?

(SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN)

(SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN)

Enough!

What the f*** was that?

Is that your mouth?

Oh, my God, you just

threw a bucket of sh*t

at my face just now.

I smelled that.

Nobody else smelled that?

Well, it smelled like

you just threw

sh*t at my nose,

that's what it smelled like.

Baby, baby.

Yes?

You look thirsty.

What can I get

you to drink, baby?

You know what?

I'll take a martini.

Shaken, not stirred.

If I could have

three ice cubes,

shave the last,

put Tabasco sauce on top,

but just a little bit...

Okay, I ain't gonna

remember all that sh*t.

Now what you want?

Whatever. Whatever

you are gonna be getting.

Okay.

Okay? Got it?

Okay.

Tell him, don't put it

in a sippy cup.

One Kevin Hartini coming right up.

No, just give him a beer.

WOMAN:
Here you are, Mr. Hart.

KEVIN:
Thank you.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, Kev?

It's on you. So like,

bet, check, fold...

Well aware of

the poker rules,

Mr. Cheadle.

You should f***ing

do something.

Can I have

a second, please?

Go ahead.

Where's it at?

Who's it on?

It's on you. So you

can check, bet, or fold.

Pick one

and f***ing do it.

I see what's going on here.

Gentlemen, I would

like to introduce you

to a case of

"I don't have enough

money to call a bet."

(CHUCKLES) I can afford

the next hand.

Obviously,

I'm sitting here

with chips.

She got money,

this motherf***er

got money.

Everybody got money, Kevin.

It's that you're irritating

the f*** out of me

'cause you're

not doing anything.

What happened, Don?

Daddy's tank ran dry?

What are you

talking about?

Chickens ain't clucking?

Cows ain't mooing?

Have you lost your

f***ing mind, Kevin?

Oh, I know what it is.

There's been a vacancy

at Hotel Rwanda.

Ain't nobody

booking them suites.

Are you talking

about a movie now, Kevin?

KEVIN:
You know

what you're mad at?

'Cause you looked at your hand

and there's nothing

but a House of Lies.

You're referring

to the show?

That was a good one.

No, most people

say House of Cards

and they mean House of Lies.

I didn't.

No, you did that good.

Now f***ing bet!

(WHINING CHILDISHLY)

"My name's Don Cheadle

and I'm mad

because I'm not Iron Man.

"I'm the black Iron Man,

and I'm rusty."

Stop talking, man.

"I squeak when I go."

Take it easy.

(SQUEAKING)

All right, you're not making

f***ing sense, Kevin,

and I'ma punch

you in the face.

I'ma make all of

that bleed

if you don't goddamn well

do something right now!

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