Kick-ass

Guardian of the Universe. Protector against the forces of evil

He can catch a bullet,

faster than a speeding train.

He leaps tall buildings in a single bound.

Up in the sky.

Is it a bird, is it a plane?

...Mailman by day,

guardian by night.

He protects New York

from the forces of evil.

...The World has been protected by extraordinary men and

women who have dedicated themselves to fighting crime.

He has powers far beyond the capabilities of mere earthlings.

I always wondered why nobody did it

before me

I mean, all those comic

books. Movies. TV shows...

You'd think that one eccentric loner

would have made himself a costume.

Is everyday life really so

exciting,

are schools and offices so thrilling,

that Im the only one who ever fantasized about this?

C'mon. Be honest with yourself.

At some point in our lives,

we all wanted to be a super hero.

That's not me, by the way.

That's some Armenian guy with a history of

mental health problems.

Who am I?

I'm "Kick-Ass"

That's me. Back before any of this

crazy sh*t happened.

Guess I was the last person you'd expect to become a superhero

Not saying there was anything wrong

with me.

But there's not nothing special either

I wasn't into sports

I wasn't a mathlete...

or a hard-core gamer...

I didn't have a piercing,

or an eating disorder,

or three thousand

friends on MySpace.

My only superpower was being invisible to girls

And out of my friends, man, I wasn't even the funny one.

Like most people my age, I just

existed.

Good morning, class

Please open your books to act II, scene II

Kick in my bedroom door, you'd

probably find me watching TV.

Or talking to my friend Todd on Skype.

You watching Family Guy?

Nope.

Me neither.

check on "nippleslip.com... It's good

Or "jerking off".

Mostly to my English teacher

Dave Lizewski, don't think I

haven't noticed you looking at my tits?

Oh!... I want your

hand all over me... Dave...

Please

Sure a lot of what got me through the average school day

was making deposits in the wack-off warehouse for later

Though, to be honest I didn't take much to set me off.

I swear, when hormones balance out

shares in Kleenex are gonna take a dive, man.

Dave Lizewski

Shouldn't you be looking at Hamlet right now?

Yes, Mrs. Zane

Sorry

But don't get me wrong

I like girls in my own age, too.

Especially Katie Deauxma.

Hey gorgeous!

Hey!

Oh, No

Ah, you meant - Erika

I know. I

knew that.

I was just kidding.

O.K., cool.

oh, my God

Hey, look I'm Todd's mom.

Oh, that's funny, this is your dad

No That's still my mom, actually

What the f***?

I was just a regular guy.

No radioactive spiders.

No refugee status from a doomed alien world.

You know what? Todd said they do still make Count

Chocula. They just dont sell it in the store anymore.

My mother was killed by an aneurism

in the kitchen,

as opposed to a

gunman in an alley.

So if you were hoping for any...

I will avenge you, mother!

...You're outta luck.

In the eighteen months

since my mother died,

the only epiphany I had was realizing that,

life just goes on.

Did they change the bee's face?

No

How come nobody's ever tried to be

a superhero?

well, I dunno. Probably

'cause it's f***ing impossible, dip-sh*t.

What, putting on a mask and helping

people? How is that impossible?

That's not a superhero, though. It has to have Super

Super is like, being stronger than everybody and flying and sh*t.

That's just hero.

No, It's not even hero, its just f***in'

psycho.

Hello? Bruce Wayne?

He didn't have any powers.

Yes, but he had all expensive sh*t

that doesn't exist.

I thought you meant, like how come

no one does it in real life.

Yeah, Todd, that's what I meant.

Dude if anybody did it in real life

they'd get their ass kicked.

They'd be dead in like, a day.

... A day.

O.K., I'm not saying they should do it.

I just cant figure out why nobody

does.

Seriously, out of all the millions of people who love superheroes

you'd think

one would give it a try.

Jesus, guys. Doesn't it bug you?

Why do thousands of people wanna be Paris

Hilton, and nobody wants to be Spider-Man?

Yeah, what's with that? She has,

like, no tits at all.

Maybe it's the porn tape.

He doesn't have a porn tape.

You guys never saw One Night in

Spider-Man?

Guess who?

Is it just me, or do you feel kinda

sorry for Chris D'Amico?

Yeah, must be terrible to have a

rich dad and everything you want.

I wish you hadn't said anything. 'Cause I feel like I'm gonna start crying.

No, the fact that he's..

..always on his own.

We should, like, talk to him.

See if he wants to hang with us.

...I'm not saying that we should talk to him, but

Think about it. C'mon itd be awesome! If he was

our friend, no one would ever f*** with us again!

Go on then, Todd.

You know. I, I can get up. -

No, no -

You wanna go talk to him? -

Nuh-uh. Dave should go.

Dave should go.

Why? Dave you should totally go. Go.

You're a dick.

Don't be afraid Dave

You're a p*ssy

F*** off.

Wanna go over there? -

Yeah -...

You think I just shat my pants or what?...

Sea ya.

Yeah I would just klick his ass ??

When did you ever kick anyone's ass?

Whatever, man I would've just gone for his knees...

You are not making sense.

What I'm saying is that in the Joker portion when he got in "Evaran" when he vowed to penetrate

the Joker's force field leaving him totally vulnerable

P*ssy Patrol!

Phones. Money.

Dude, not again

Come on

Phone. I don't have one!

Somebody else jacked it last week!

P*ssy

Gimme the bag

Its just comics.

Yo! You wanna get cut?

Look at this a**hole, just watching

Come on, be honest with yourself

would you do anything differently

We see someone in trouble

and we wish we can help

But we don't

The world I lived in,

heroes only exist in comic books

But I guess that would have been OK, if bad guys were make believe too.

But they are not

Frankie. I'm telling you man. I swear I'm not making this up.

This f***ing guy... Comes outta nowhere

kicks our asses and steals all the coke

This would be the guy that looks

like Batman.

I didn't say he looked like Batman.

You did Tre. You said the the guy looked like Batman

And you said like a mask and

stuff and a cape? Yeah like Batman.

I didn't say like Batman -

I never said Batman-

OK:

Let me tell you the problem I

got with that, Tre.

Our mole with the

Russians tells things a little different.

according to him, you've sold him my coke

and you took the money

That's a f***ing lie!

I can't believe that you would believe this sh*t from

a f***ing Russian, man.

Let me see, Tre. Hey, what's more likely?

That you're a greedy little cocksucker,

Or that all my coke was stolen by Superman?

Batman.

I never said Batman!

Enough

My son is waitin' out there in the car

to go to the movies.

And I aint gonna to disappoint him

Joe, you're in charge

Thanks

- That's gotta be the worst f***in' excuse I ever heard, Tre.

(Screaming)

Sorry you had to wait, buddy.

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