Kicking & Screaming

---

I was born a baby.

A blank slate.

Thinking I was in control

of my own destiny.

And then I met my father.

You better be good at this stuff.

In college, I wasn't

the most gifted athlete.

But in order to

please my dad,

I strived to be

the very best.

Oh. Little help,

already out of control.

I'm losing vision,

it's blackness.

You guys here, you might

want to move out of there,

I gotta let go of this thing.

Oh-oh.

Look out! For Pete's sake!

How far was that?

Foot and three inches.

Hope you boys are ready.

See you at the finish line.

There's a... There's

a rabid cheetah in Lane 2 here.

Runners take your mark.

Get set!

Hold on! Wait!

I got it, right

below the knee, the nub.

Oh, that hurts!

No, no, no, no.

Your day's over, Phil.

Yes, I was quite the athlete.

Oh.

So much so,

that I caught the eye

of the prettiest girl

in school.

Oh. Are you all right?

Yeah.

Sorry about that.

Yeah, it's no prob.

There's a horrible wind.

Uh, no, there isn't.

There is o-over there.

Dad? Hey, Dad!

Barbara said "yes. "

Hey, Son.

This is Janice.

I met her at the A&P.

Hi.

We're gonna get married.

Can I talk to you

alone?

Yeah.

Be right back.

Nice to meet you,

Barbara. Heard a lot about you.

It's nice to meet you.

She's great-looking. What you

talking about? She's terrific.

You're getting married?

Look, Phil, I'm

lonely. I'm a man.

It hasn't been easy for me

since your mom died.

She didn't die,

she divorced you.

Um, tomatoes, tomatoes.

You know.

Baby.

One year later, on the proudest day

of my life,

he was right there

by my side.

There he is,

your grandson, Sam.

Oh, by the way, he had a son

on the same day.

Take a gander

at your brother, Bucky.

Just a little bit bigger.

Welcome to my life.

Excuse me. Hey, y-you didn't

need to take up two spots.

Actually, I do. Look at the

size of this bad boy, huh?

This is cute though, huh? You're

saving the environment for all of us.

Go hemp!

Unbelievable.

Okay, boys. Okay.

Keep it down. Keep it simple.

Hey, honey.

Where've you been? It's

a tie game, it's almost over.

Oh, I-I-I'm sorry.

I... I just...

I got caught at work

and then I had to park

in the far parking lot.

Let's go, Gladiators!

Go, Bucky!

Hey, where's Sam?

He's on the bench.

Okay, Bucky, let's go!

You're kidding me.

No.

Go Bucky! Finish it off!

Finish it off!

Come on, Bucky!

Yay, Bucky! Bucky!

Bucky!

Okay, Bucky.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

That's my boy, Bucky!

Attaboy, Bucky!

Hey, big guy, how'd it go?

It went great.

Bench is nice and warm.

I'm gonna see what I can do

about that, okay?

We'll see you

back at the house, Dad.

You played great,

Son. You played great.

I'm proud of you.

Come on, buddy.

Hi, you guys.

Oh, Barb.

Hi.

Hey, look who's here. Two

of my favorite people, and Phil.

Very funny, Dad. Haven't

heard that one before.

Hey, Buck.

I see you got a new case

for the Pel ball.

That's my ball.

Get away from that. Don't... Don't

get any ideas. Don't even touch it.

And now... Watch this.

An important message

from the King.

Hi, I'm Buck Weston,

King of Sporting Goods.

You can save...

Me.

Big on all kinds of balls.

Basketballs, footballs,

hockey pucks, baseballs...

Those acting lessons

really paid off.

Yeah, I got four stores now, and

I'm opening a fifth next month

in your neck of the woods.

You sure you

don't want a job?

I got a job, Dad.

Oh, yeah, what?

Selling... Selling vitamins?

In fact, you need to take

more vitamins.

I take a vitamin every day,

it's called a steak.

Now look, I came up with

this myself, look at this.

I'm Buck Weston.

And he's got balls!

Pretty good, huh?

What do you think?

I think this is

your best commercial yet.

It was pretty good.

Gripping. Gripping.

Ditka.

Stay away from that, okay?

Here we go again.

Hey, Ditka!

Will you knock it off?

Hey, knock it off,

would you?

Hey, do that later,

would you, please?

I got company!

Doing my lawn.

Look, we're trying to have

a nice family gathering, all right?

I'm trying to get

my yard cleaned.

You're messing up my yard.

Let me... Let me ask you.

The world's gotta stop

'cause you got a family gathering?

I'm trying to do my lawn!

Yeah, but you put all your...

Guys...

Hey, stay out of this.

It's between us, okay?

Here, take some of this back,

'cause I don't want it.

Hey! Knock it off!

It's all for you!

You're nuts!

Guys, guys!

How do you like that, Ditka?

Take it back.

Here, you get

the whole thing!

We'll settle this later,

okay?

Yeah, you know

where to find me!

Yeah, exactly.

I got this for you, too!

Get out of here!

Phil, come on.

What are you lookin' at?

Dad, he hit me.

He hit me with the ball.

Hey, Dad, what happened

to all your fish?

That one ate the others.

I call him "Killer. "

Killer?

Yeah.

I like it.

Yeah.

You might wanna clean the

water every now and then.

Let's see what you can do.

Hey, Dad,

I didn't know if...

I wanted to

talk to you about Sam.

Sammy's a good boy.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

He hasn't been playing much

lately and, I didn't know if...

Stop right there.

I agree with you.

And I got some

great news.

He's gonna get a

lot more playing time now.

Dad, thanks, that's...

that's exactly what I wanted to hear.

I traded him

to the Tigers.

Ooh, hey!

You traded

your own grandson?

Well, I didn't actually

get anything for him.

You know that cost $400?

I can't believe it.

W:

- What, you calling me a liar? I'll show you the receipt.

No, I-I'm talking

about Sam!

W- Why didn't you

just play him more?

He is going to

play more, Philly...

Yeah, for another team!

You... You... You care

about winning that much?

Look, Phil, I'm

not just coaching soccer.

I'm building men.

Okay, yeah.

Hey, hey, hey.

It's an impressive shot.

Sure.

But, you know,

I want Sam to have fun.

This isn't the big leagues.

For those who live between

Broadway and Grandville,

between the ages

of 10 and 12,

who are free

on Sundays and Tuesdays,

this is the big leagues.

But what about Sam?

Sam, you saw him out there

today. It breaks my heart.

At best,

he's a benchwarmer.

Wow! Oh!

Oh, Killer! Killer!

How did that happen?

Hey, Sam,

you wanna give us a minute?

Need a little adult time.

Uh-huh.

Of all the asinine things

my dad has done,

this is by far

the most asinine.

I mean, I know he's the

most competitive man in the world.

But this beats them all.

I'm angry.

I'm... I'm spitting angry!

I'm like a tornado of anger,

swirling about!

My heart rate is

dangerously high right now.

I'm glad it happened,

I...

What?

Yeah.

What do you mean?

Where did my wife go?

Are you a robot?

Are you a robot-woman?

I... I am not a robot.

Phil, honey, I know

this is upsetting, okay,

but you have to try to

find the positive in this.

It was unhealthy for Sam to

play on your dad's team.

Now he'll play

for the Tigers

And have some fun.

Okay, look,

you're too upset about this.

So, I'll tell him, okay?

No, no, no,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes