Kicking and Screaming Page #2

Me.

So all of a sudden

you just stopped smoking?

Meanwhile I'm up to

two f***ing packs a day.

Twenty years I make it

through all that peer pressure.

- Suddenly, my senior year, you get me addicted.

- Because you smoke now, I should too?

No. But what you did was snea -

Yes, you should smoke too!

I told you I was quitting.

You didn't pay any attention.

You're a foul-weather friend, Grover. You're

not interested in me unless I'm suffering like you.

You're like a child sometimes.

Yeah, but if I was a child,

you'd find that endearing.

Hey, Jane! Prague! Whoo!

Yeah, I'll "whoo" you.

I don't know what else to say.

Do you have anything you'd like to add?

Josselyn. Hi!

Fine.

- Chet. Chet. My man.

- Louis! My friend!

Louis! Oh, Louis!

Tell me. Did you graduate

accidentally or on purpose?

- I'm gonna miss you, man.

- Oh, I'm gonna miss you, my friend.

- I love you.

- Louis, I love you too.

- Okay, Louis. I've gotta go now. Bye-bye.

- Okay.

So how does that work?

Do I - Do I have to start

paying back my loan, like, tomorrow?

I'm gonna go look for pot.

Don't you sometimes wish

there was another position in sex?

Just something else to do.

Hey, Grover.

Worst-case scenario after graduation.

Ding.

Jane dumps me to move to Prague.

I spend the rest of my life with you idiots.

That was more of a yield at that stop sign.

I broke. Thanks.

No. It was more of a yield.

Flight 368 to Chicago now boarding at Gate 7.

Look at him.

- What's in Milwaukee?

- Your graduate school.

Your, uh -What does he study?

- Uh, mechanical engineering, I think.

- Mechanical engineering. Right. Go.

- I hate readjusting my watch.

- Don't check your bags. They'll just lose them.

God! I hate fooling with the watch!

Oh, I can't change my habits.

I'll be sleeping all day, awake all night.

- It's Milwaukee.

- It's only an hour's difference, Otis. You won't even notice.

Yeah, I'll be hungry at 5:00.

I'll be ready for the local news at 4:00.

This is useless. We just have to walk away

like mothers in nursery school.

Bye, Otis.

Well, that settles Otis.

What I used to be able to pass off

as just another bad summer...

could now potentially

turn into a bad life.

Ah. The fan.

The trusty fan.

Everyone brings this to school,

uses it for about three or four days...

and then shoves it in the closet

for the remainder of the semester.

I use that fan all the time.

All the time.

Oh. Okay. Cool.

- Kudos, Miami!

- Hi, Friedrich.

Well, you are looking lovely

this semester.

More appropriate for a runway

than these environs.

- F***!

- What are you doing here?

Well, what is wrong with this picture?

Some explaining?

I thought you graduated.

Yeah, I did.

I'm just helping Miami move in.

- Uh-huh.

- Actually, I might be living around here.

- Mm-hmm. Oh, yes. Uh-huh.

- I haven't decided yet. I've got all these decisions.

Hey, Jacob. How are you?

Jesus.

God, I have that horrible song

stuck in my head.

Hum something

so I can get rid of it.

I don't know that.

Hum something else.

Who the hell bought black-eyed peas?

Hi, Grover. It's Dad. Call me.

I'm in Boston at the Greenbergs.

Did you see the Knicks/Bulls

exhibition on Saturday?

Call me there to discuss.

- I just spent my last 20 on groceries.

- You're poor.

Yeah. Since graduation,

I'm poor, you're rich.

- We are no longer equal.

- But my parents are rich.

- You know what I wish?

- Mmm.

- I wish we were just going off to war.

- Hmm.

Or retiring.

I wish I was just retiring...

after a lifetime of hard labor.

Mmm! Mmm!

- Get down.

- Why?

Get down! It's a cookie man.

The guy who goes door-to-door selling cookies.

I saw him earlier in the neighborhood.

He is so hard to say no to.

Just stay down.

I can't handle him.

He'll go away soon.

Well, how long do we have to stay down here?

Go away, cookie man.

Cookie man?

- What the hell are you doing here?

- I - I felt antsy.

I thought there was more reason for me to stay.

- It's remarkable.

- But Milwaukee and graduate school.

No. I-I'm gonna defer my admission.

I think I'll move back in with my mom for a while.

- Hello.

- Oh, look who I found.

Hi, kids.

Got you a little back-to-school gift.

Oh, great! Dictionary!

Hey. I'm gonna look up "blow job. "

- This is great, Chet. Thanks a lot.

- You're welcome.

So, did you have fun at the airport?

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, here. I got you some magazines.

- Thanks.

- Thanks.

What would you rather do,

f*** a cow or lose your mother?

Hmm. F*** a cow.

Cow-f***er.

What would you rather do,

f***, uh, Peppermint Patty or Lucy?

- Uh, Lucy.

- Lucy-f***er.

What would you rather do,

uh, f*** a cow or a turkey?

Hmm. Wild or farm-raised?

Uh, no idea.

Just answer the question.

- Turkey.

- You know -

- Turkey-f***er.

- I regret not taking my junior year abroad.

- Skippy, don't let Friedrich bother you. Okay?

- He doesn't bother me.

- Yes, he is. He's bothering you.

- I said I wish I had taken my junior year off.

But you shouldn't even let it get to you.

He's this Eurotrash guy. I mean -

- He doesn't bother me.

- You. Uh, cow or lose your mother?

- What?

- Would you rather f*** a cow or lose your mother?

- Answer the question.

- Who's asking the question?

- Answer the question.

- Neither, thanks.

- Hmm. Doesn't like to f***.

- I don't know! A cow.

- Cow-f***er.

- Well, that's his thing.

There.

Yeah. You're right.

No, you're right.

If they hadn't called a technical on Riley,

they would've won.

Hey, uh, who won Bud Bowl II?

That is a bad habit.

You really ought to finish that in the bathroom.

What about that call with half a minute left?

Ewing was pushed.

- Yeah. You're right, Dad.

- Oh, that's good.

- Yeah. It was definitely a push.

- Hello, fellas.

- What's up?

- Yeah.

- Hey, Chet.

- Skippy.

- I know.

- What's up?

Hold on, Dad.

- What are you doing with that?

- I packed it by accident.

- Did you see all the people moving in?

- Oh, how are the freshmen biddies?

Deadly. Best since two years ago.

Hmm. Yeah, well...

I've been doing a little research.

Now, we all know how old Mozart was

when he did all that.

Like, one.

And Keats. Big poet, Keats.

Keats was dead by 24.

And Tracy Austin -

When she started playing, she was tiny.

Mmm.

I'd like to 15-love with her,

if you know what I mean. Ace her deuce.

I'd like to f*** her on the tennis court,

if you get my meaning.

Yeah.

Are you wearing mascara?

No.

Yes.

Let's hit the Penguin.

It's, like, what? 1:20?

It's almost cocktail hour.

Chet, tell - tell Grover we went to the Penguin.

Okay.

- Yeah.

- Wait. I just wanna see if they get the stain out.

It's a detergent commercial, Otis.

They're gonna get it out.

Yeah. But that's bicycle grease.

Unlike the other brand, that stain is gone-

Okay. Let's go.

Why do you think everyone

on the Knicks is dysfunctional, Dad?

Riley is not depressed.

Dad, that's silly.

Riley's happily married.

No, I think it's a successful marriage.

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