Kid Cannabis

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Beautiful. Isn't it?

- But listen.

- You hear it?

I hear it in my nightmares.

That's the sound of the feds,

Working their unmanned drones,

spending more money trying to shut us down

Than they did searching

for Osama Bin Laden.

42 billion spent

in the war on pot.

140 bucks from every one of you

To fight a little green herb made

by god that grows in the sun.

And god doesn't make mistakes.

Go! Go go go!

I would have personally

paid 18 million in taxes

On the almost 60 million I

made from the medicine I sold.

But they never asked,

so I never offered.

I never got the bill,

so I didn't pay.

Here's the skinny.

I was a spongy kid from the

wrong side of the lake.

A high school dropout.

The lost cause.

The invisible kid

whose name you forget

Before I even finish saying it.

But I ran a disciplined,

$68 million a year business

And employed hundreds of Wal-Mart-Shopping,

Exxon-Buying Americans.

And we'd still be

up and running,

Trying to cope with the demand,

if murder and mayhem

Hadn't entered the picture.

But hey,

You can't put the toothpaste

back in the tube, can you?

Topher moved to Idaho

from Boston when he was 15.

He took a lot of sh*t for his Boston

accent and for being full of sh*t.

But he's had my back ever since he

beat down Billy "the bull" Turrow,

Who used to give me a daily thumping

for as long as I can remember.

We had one big thing

in common. Pot.

Talking about it, smoking it,

looking for more, better, cheaper.

You know the deal.

He liked getting high

almost as much as I did,

And that is saying a lot.

You can't believe half the sh*t

that comes out of his mouth,

But Topher had game. He'd get me to do

things I would have never done on my own.

He was my best fro.

What's up, motherfuckers?

Is this a party?

If I could erase one guy from this story,

it would be Brendan butler.

He lost the plot years ago. Went to sleep

on the dirt floor of a Korean orphanage,

Woke up in a mansion

in Coeur d'Alene lake

With a silver spoon up his ass.

But no good deed

goes unpunished.

He paid his adopted

daddy warbucks back

By becoming the biggest, baddest,

loudest drug dealer in town.

Dealt his overpriced weed to

the frat pack at Gonzaga prep.

Us public school kids

got the sticks and seeds.

People talk about him being an honors

student, perfect S.A.T. Scores.

But he did some of the

stupidest sh*t I'd ever seen.

He was always talking when he

should have been listening.

Do you think people

will know what I am?

Who cares? The chicks

will have to ask, right?

Foot in the door,

dick in the whore.

Just let me do the talking.

I'll get us in.

All right.

Nate? Is that you?

Hey, Ashli with an "I."

It's me. How are you?

I'm great.

What are you?

I'm...

He's the floor of a movie theater.

Yeah. Yeah.

Funny.

Cute.

What are you?

I'm a leaf blower.

Get it?

Creative.

Original.

What are you?

French maid.

Yeah, never seen that before.

What are you supposed to be?

A cat.

Girl scout.

Do you have any cookies?

Not for you.

Okay, cool.

F*** off. Let's go.

Sweet push-Up bra.

I hate those b*tches.

F***ing skanks.

Go ahead, compliments

of Brendan butler.

Here you go.

No. Hold on. Hold up.

I'm cool with Wang.

Uh, Brendan butler, sir.

Yeah, Brendan.

Hold up.

Really?

What?

Wang?

Who the f*** thinks

they can call me Wang?

Huh? Who the f*** thinks

they can call me Wang?

These two f***ing clowns.

I'm a friend of, uh, Daniel Cox.

This isn't Daniel Cox's

f***ing party.

Yeah. He told us about it.

It's all good, right? Just...

Told you about it?

Got some bud.

Oh, you got some bud?

I got these.

Get the f*** out of here before

I ventilate you in your...

F***ing p*ssy b*tch.

P*ssy?

Who's a p*ssy b*tch?

You're a f***ing p*ssy b*tch.

I don't know if freako bandito

was really shooting at us,

But I wasn't looking back

to find out.

Don't f*** with me.

You f***ing prick.

Nice f***ing costume.

F*** you.

Hey.

Can we make this a four-Way?

But the truth was,

we were both losers by legacy.

I went to bed sick and tired

of being sick and tired.

Tired of my mom

working shitty jobs,

Driving a shitty car,

living in a shitty house,

Just to provide three hots and

a cot for me and my little bro.

But every chunk of coal

wants to be a diamond, right?

You want to know what I think

is wrong with pot? Nothing.

Would you rather be in a room

full of drunks or pot smokers?

Give me the pot smokers

every time.

Laid back and friendly.

When was the last time a bar

fight broke out between potheads?

Drive drunk, you think you're doing

30 and you're really doing 90.

Drive high, you think you're doing

90 and you're really doing 30.

You stop at red lights twice.

Mother nature produces pot.

Man makes liquor.

Who do you trust? Seriously, the pizza

I used to deliver's killed more people

Than all the weed ever smoked

in the state of Idaho.

Mom awake?

I don't know.

You do your homework?

Yeah.

You really do your homework?

Yeah.

All right. Here you go, buddy.

Mom?

Ma, it's time to get up.

Time to get up. Come on.

What time is it?

7:
45. You gotta go to work.

I'd been working minimum wage

since I was a stem cell,

And it sucks in every way

and always will.

Delivering pizzas, shoveling snow,

bagging groceries,

Trimming trees,

whatever I could hustle.

In Coeur d'Alene, there was money

all around, but just out of reach.

Teasing, taunting,

just laughing at you for thinking

You were gonna get your hands

on any of it.

Pizza.

Come in!

Down the hall.

Uh, hi.

Thought they were sending

the redhead, uh...

Jennifer.

Yeah, Jennifer, that's her.

The redhead, big tits.

Yeah. I...

I mean, she-She's off.

I'm Nate.

Hello, Nate.

It's 22.30.

Got change for a Hun?

Uh, no, I can't. Sorry.

Okay, hold your horses.

Hey! Any of you butt-Heads

got twenties?

Okay, excellent, thanks for your help.

I really appreciate that.

Get your hand off your nut sac.

Do you believe these guys, huh?

Yeah.

You, uh, want a hit?

Oh, no, I can't.

I gotta get back to work.

Like you'd hate to lose

this dream job, huh?

'Cause passing that pizza jockey

bar exam's a real b*tch, huh?

Okay, excuse me.

All right. Turn

your head, little man.

You're about to see

what makes most women

Fear the cock. Okay.

Get in there.

Haha. Oh, easy, speed racer.

That there's the B.C. Bud.

That's 600 a half

if you can find it.

Six hundred a half?

Holy sh*t. Sorry.

Yes, it is.

You see the ground squirrel

on the bed there?

She bought herself a divorce,

a new set of tits,

And put her kid

through private school,

All by bringing down

a few pounds every month.

Down from where?

From Canada, bro.

How?

Don't get me wrong,

tight p*ssy is very, very nice,

But it's a little overrated.

That chick's kid's head?

The size of f***ing Charlie brown.

In her box?

Really?

All right, give me a second.

All right.

I-I-I... Here we go.

Um, all I have is a 20.

It's 22.30.

Can you break a Benjamin?

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