Kill Buljo: The Movie

I have to congratulate you, Jompa.

And thank you -

- for inviting me

to your engagement party.

I am really looking forward

to marrying you on Saturday.

Sh*t... this Saturday?

What time?

It's at four.

How could you forget that, Jompa?

F***!

Right during the football on TV.

Isn't that a small price

for marrying the woman you love?

Love? Love has got

nothing to do with it.

She's got 5000 reindeers.

I've got one, and that's limp.

They shot me.

In the middle of

the engagement party.

Weapons on the rack, please.

It hurt like hell.

They shot my girl,

my whole family.

Even the reindeer.

But they made one big mistake.

They thought I was dead.

Is this regarding

the illegal slaughtering?

But I wasn't f***ing dead!

God... this makes me sick.

Man showing his true nature.

I can't believe that anyone can

murder so many innocent people.

Most of these people are Lapps,

so I don't really see a problem.

But when they decided to waste

Banana Airlines (Norw. Cult band), -

- they made it personal.

What have you got for me, Unni?

What's the status here?

We recovered cartridge cases

from four different weapons.

Multiple eyewitnesses saw four

people leaving after the shooting.

Eyewitnesses here -

- are about as reliable

as the fly who said -

- it flew away from a pile of sh*t.

I solved my first case

when I was nine.

So I think I know

what I need to know -

- about police work.

Where is the last Coke?

Where?

OK, so I guess you think

anything goes in this house?

I was thirsty,

and we we're out of milk.

I guess we're out of water as well?

Here I am, working my dick off.

Do you think the social security

check cashes itself?

I wanted to relax in front of the TV

with a nice, cold drink.

Here you are, you little cocksucker,

finishing off daddy's Coke.

You're a f***ing disgrace. What in

the hell is going to become of you?

I'm gonna be a cop.

You can't even investigate the

skid marks in your own underpants.

What is that suppose to mean,

you f***ing deadbeat?

Did you just disrespect me?

Hang around here, smartass, until

your ass is numb in every direction.

- Good morning, officers.

- Morning, Wisloeff.

A little bird told me

you're producing moonshine?

- And selling it to under aged kids?

- That's just malicious slander.

- You won't mind if I look around?

- No, by all means.

- Check the trapdoor.

- Sid, shut up. Don't listen to him.

The boy is crazy.

It's his f***ing mother's fault.

Let's split it 60/40.

I'll take the 60 and you the 40?

- Arrest this a**hole.

- F*** you, Sid, you little dildo!

You're cut off, you hear?

CUT OFF!

Sid?!

What do you think happened here?

I'll tell you.

It all started out as

a peaceful celebration.

Suddenly Jompa discovers something

that makes him totally lose it.

Someone has been watering down

his beloved booze.

He pulls out a shotgun.

Everyone is dead.

Case closed. That's lunch.

A bit weird since he himself

was shot 4 times in the head.

We have a Lapp

with a serious drinking problem.

What more do we need?

Dead as a duck.

A duck?

You're in a barn

talking about ducks?

F***ing moron.

No, I mean he is dead as a duck.

Jompa Tormann is dead.

Nice work. The last thing we need now

is some drunken Lappp bastard -

- sticking his nose

where it doesn't belong.

Now we can finally

concentrate on Project Tourism.

I want everyone

to keep a low profile.

Everyone keeps doing

what they normally do.

I don't want to raise

any unnecessary suspicion.

Now nothing can stop us.

Hot little thing' uh?

Nice.

Came in last week. Tested him out

a couple of times myself.

Pretty nice and firm.

Before I let you go at it,

a couple of ground rules.

There will be no biting, scratching

or pinching of any kind.

Then I'm out of a job,

and you will be cut off.

2. If you happen to pull out any

wires in the heat of the moment, -

- make sure you put them in.

Or you'll be the man who ass f***ed

a dead Lapp, and paid for it.

3. I want a controlled ejaculation.

Don't hose down the whole room.

I'm gonna be super pissed if I have

to clean your cum off these walls.

Best thing to do

is just to come inside him.

Ok, he's all yours.

Oh, before I forget:

If you hit a dry patch,

just apply a little bit of this.

Make sure you really lube him up.

And you'll be right back

where you started.

I brought my own.

Nice work, Bud.

Nice work, Kjell.

What a day.

Soon this whole area

will be filled with tourists.

We'll be richer then Carrot Top.

Not even God himself could have

come up with a more brilliant plan.

Sh*t, I have to take a piss.

Such a small f***ing cock,

and such a large amount of urine.

Are you OK?

Doctor,

you're needed in the E.R. Stat.

There is nothing wrong with this

patient. She is just unusually fat.

There is a salad bar too,

you know.

Fatty.

No reflexes.

Put him in a stabile intercourse.

And then you extract

his appendix anally.

He's having a breakdown.

Get me the defibri... defi...

Def...

Get me the machine

that shoots electricity.

Then you put 10.000 volt

right in his testicles.

Just take it easy.

Everything is gonna be fine.

- What is wrong with you?

- My arm hurts.

I'll be right back.

- Don't ever call me in the barn!

- Jompa has escaped from the hospital.

F***!

OK, I'm coming.

I'm coming... I'm coming.

Pull down panties

and we'll take a look see.

Welcome, officers,

and good evening.

A crisis situation

has just occurred.

I am not referring to the fact that

Babylon Zoo is planning a comeback.

We have a crazy Lapp running around.

His name is Jompa Tormann.

We don't know if he's armed, -

- but he is considered

dangerous and extremely stupid.

Ok people, good luck.

- Look what the cat dragged in.

- Here is your coffee, Sid.

- Is it hot?

- Yes.

I asked for a f***ing

hot cup of coffee.

Maybe it a was hot.

Kato, bring me another cup

while you're out there.

Boris.

Boris.

If you call me Boris

one more time, -

- I'm gonna tear you a new a**hole.

- Boris means "hello" in Saami.

Peggy Mathilassi, I was sent from

Kautokeino to help you find Jompa.

A couple of ground rules, missy.

Here, we talk Norwegian.

I don't wanna hear another word

of that disgusting pig-Latin.

And two.

Here we act civilized.

That costume is not

gonna fly around here.

If I'm gonna help you find Jompa,

I demand to be treated with respect.

You're a Lapp, and a woman.

Where does respect

come in to play?

They're gone.

All of them.

They took everything from me.

Everybody I know

ripped away from me.

All I am left with, is two hands

and a bunch of questions.

Why did they do it?

Was it my fault?

Where are they now?

Who ordered it?

And why does my ass

hurt like hell?

All these questions

need an answer.

But one thing is certain.

I will have my revenge.

I had been comatose for months,

my body was in a terrible state.

I needed to get in shape.

And there was only one person

who could help me.

Mr. Handjob.

Wisloeff,

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