Kill List

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It is all gone!

Well, how can it possibly

be f***ing gone?

There was 40 grand in there.

Yeah, eight months ago

there was 40 grand in there.

Eight months! How many

f***ing scatter cushions do you need?

(Woman) Don't talk to me like I'm a c*nt!

Baby? Are you all right?

It doesn't make sense.

I know!

You haven't worked

a single day for eight months.

Take the money for the Jacuzzi

out of the holiday dough.

I can't have it out of action

cos it's for my back.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah.

Wake up, Jay!

There's no f***ing holiday money!

And there is nothing wrong

with your back!

It's all in your f***ing head.

(Motor sputters)

F***. F***ing...

Jay!

Ouch!

Jay!

Jay!

Oh!

Jay!

- 24 tins of tuna?

- Yeah, they were doing a deal.

Can you stop spinning?

You're doing my head in.

- You should've done me a list then.

- I did! It was on the fridge, you left it!

- 10 bottles of wine?

- You invited 'em.

What do you want to drink, Shel?

Herbal tea?

Oh, look, it says toilet roll

and it's underlined twice.

Oh, 197 pounds. And, no, you didn't

get any toilet roll, did you,

just, you know, loads of bottles of wine.

- That's good, Jay.

- I'll pop round the newsagents.

They'll have it, won't they?

(Sighs) You're in serious danger

of turning into a miserable cow, Shel.

I'm not going to sit here and have you

glaring at me for another half hour.

Sam? Sammy?

Babe, he's got loads of stuff.

- He doesn't need any more.

- It was four and a half quid, you wally.

He's got loads.

- En guard!

- Cool.

Daddy's promised

to do bedtime stories tonight.

Yeah, we can do that, mate.

(Agitated talking in Swedish)

(Shel sobs and continues

talking in Swedish)

(Intermittent sobbing and talking)

(Swedish conversation continues)

(Groans, shouts)

Get him! Come on, Sam!

(Jay) 'There were once

these two brave and honourable soldiers,

'and they were in charge

of guarding a man in a car.'

(Sam) I want a story about king Arthur.

(Jay) My story is better.

(Sam) No, it isn't.

Are you listening, cos you can go

straight to sleep without one?

What kind of car?

A bullet-proof one.

They were driving around this city,

you see.

What city?

Bagdadistan.

So there were these insurgents

and they made a bomb

and it blew up the Humvee

in front of the column.

It's not real though, is it?

No, not any more, no.

You shouldn't shout at Mummy.

Well, she started it, mate.

You are a bit lazy though.

- Who says?

- Mummy.

Does she now?

And me.

Do it, Daddy.

OK.

One, two, three...

Abracadabra.

Hi, how're you doing?

You're looking gorgeous as usual...

Ahh... please God

It's so good to see you. Hi.

- Fiona.

- Come on in.

- You?

- Yeah.

Canny wee tipple... your favourite?

(Fiona) Is that you?

Mmm! Swedish National service.

I didn't know they made girls do that!

Oh, they don't!

They don't, I wanted to do it.

Why should the boys

get to have all the fun, eh?

(Fiona) Here you both are...

- What uniform is that?

- Security assignment.

Is it dangerous?

In danger of getting your knickers

ripped off later, big girl.

(Chuckles)

The money's good.

The money's really good, Jay.

I can't.

Here.

Try one of these.

Blow your f***ing head off.

I'm not eating anything red

at the moment.

- Does Shel know?

- What, about the diet?

No, about the job.

Might have mentioned something

in passing.

No wonder she's been

on my f***ing back. Don't do that, Gal.

I wish someone would f***ing clarify

the chain of command here.

- Who's wagging the dog?

- (Shel) Jay! Jay!

Coming.

That's cleared that up.

F*** off.

We are done. Bon Appetit.

Tuck in, everyone.

(Gal claps) Well done.

(Fiona) Thank you.

Aww!

- This is beautiful.

- Thank you. It's not my worst.

- Army and Navy.

- Gravy?

(Gal) Your track record's good.

Dig in.

(Shel) And now... Cheers and welcome.

(Gal) Yeah, cheers. Here's to you.

- Lots of love.

- Cheers.

Thank you, thank you...

(Shel) Is there anything here

that you want, Fiona?

(Fiona) I'm really happy.

(Shel) You sure?

(Jay) What are these

little chef's hats about?

(Shel) I just thought...

you could pick them up with your fingers.

They're little Swedish chefs.

(imitates The Muppets' chef)

Who is gonna say Grace,

are you going to say Grace?

Oh, Stop.

- Not at my table.

- No?

No, no.

I could do it in Irish for you.

So what-what sort of...

Do you just sell anything? I don't...

No, it's kind of...

No, it's mainly...

sort of IT stuff and, you know.

It's commercial sales.

It's not like knocking on doors

and, you know.

- With a suitcase.

- Yeah, it's not flannels and tea towels.

(Laughter)

I know you would assume that

from Gal's accent, but...

It was all right, kinda,

when I was younger and stuff

and when we first

come out of the army.

But it's not, you know...

As Sam is getting older and stuff.

It's sort of difficult for him.

He wants his dad, you know.

So, you have to deal with that

while I am away, don't you?

I think it's hard on us.

Three months starts pushing it

we used to say.

- (Fiona) Three months?

- Sometimes, yeah.

- (Fiona) Wow.

- Bit like being a single mum.

- Can I just nip to the loo please?

- Mmm, course.

- It's just round the corner.

- OK, thanks.

(Jay) The lock's not great,

but we know you are in there,

so I don't think Sam will get

the shock of his life.

- Top up?

- Oh, yeah.

- I'll get it. I'll get it sit down, sit down.

- Sure?

- Old world, new world?

- Whatever you fancy, darling.

Whatever, mate.

Christ. You need a circular saw

to get through this meat.

Because you took the entire rack.

- I thought...

- I'd cut them all up, hadn't I?

I thought there was three big ones.

You could've said to me, darling.

Do you know what, unlike you,

I didn't want to embarrass you

in front of everyone.

As for this, what's all this game?

We've got every dinner set

and bit of cutlery known to man.

You've served the gravy

in a f***ing Pyrex.

What's that about?

It's like a chemistry set.

(Gal's footsteps return)

(Gal) ls that all right?

(Shel) Yeah, that's my favourite.

So, what do you do, Fiona?

Hman resources

Hatchet man.

Sorry. Hatchet person.

What is it?

I mean what does that entail?

If there is a department

that is under-performing then...

I go in and assess

the extraneous manpower

and de-force accordingly...

I'm waiting for a comment!

(Laughter)

(Fiona) I know there is one coming.

(Jay) You sort of sack people?

It's not personal.

It is probably personal to them...

...and their families.

When was the last time you cared

about the welfare of a family?

Oh, yeah I know, eight months ago.

There's a bigger picture

in the business world.

Your picture doesn't stretch any further

than your front door, does it mate?

You mean the Jacuzzi.

I think the 80's recession

was a lot more glamorous.

No this is, this is much worse.

There's a lot of dirty work to be done.

I'll tell you one lot

who had no time for extraneous.

The Nazis.

Here we go.

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