Kill Your Friends Page #5

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Yeah, I mean,

I've seen it on the telly and that, but...

I imagine it's different

when you're, you know, actually there.

Yeah.

Did Mr Waters have any problems

that you knew about?

- Like what?

- Debts, for instance.

- Or did he have any enemies?

- Probably a few enemies.

You have to say no to people an awful lot.

Tell me about it.

I mean, he's unlikely

to have had any money worries.

Expenses all the way

in your bloody racket, isn't it?

Yeah, we have been known

to claim a few beers back.

- You'd been drinking that night?

- It was the Brits

- Drugs?

- Not for me, no.

There's evidence of cocaine use at the scene.

Significant levels of the drug

in Mr Waters' body.

Really?

To be honest, I thought all you guys...

That's a myth.

It's not the '80s.

You have to work too hard these days.

Sorry, Steven.

Derek wants you to go up and

discuss The Lazies offer.

The Lazies? Great single, that.

Christ. Tell him we'll just...

No, no, it's fine. I'm done.

- Thanks for your time, Mr Stelfox.

- No, thank you.

Sorry I couldn't be more help, you know.

If there's anything else I can help with,

then just give me a call.

Thanks.

Actually, there is one more thing.

Can you tell me what you make of this?

It's just some rough mixes

we did at my mate's place.

I was the songwriter, you see.

I'd love a professional opinion.

Sure. I'll have a listen.

Great.

- All finished?

- Absolutely.

What was all that about?

He was asking about Roger.

I told him Id dropped him off

on the way home after the Brits.

What's with this?

Starstruck copper reckons

he's Noel f***ing Gallagher.

- He's quite cute, though.

- Fancy that, do you, Rebecca?

Being married to some cretin who earns

25 grand a year and wears Next suits,

tooling around B&Q on

a Sunday buying f***ing tiles?

- Well, if you're in love...

- Don't make me laugh.

Where are you gonna take

The Lazies for dinner?

I don't care.

Just find somewhere that's vegetarian-friendly.

Vegan, actually.

Well, what's their f***ing deal, then?

No animal products whatsoever.

No fish, no dairy, no eggs.

F***ing indie kids.

How d'you wanna play this?

You be the enthusiastic music lover,

bang on about indie B sides and the guitar

solos of Tom f***ing Verlaine or whatever,

and I'll do the industry thing when

they say, 'Tell us about the label'.

- Hey.

- With indie kids, you have to remember this.

They really think that

what they do matters in some way.

They reckon that history will care,

that they're passing on the torch

and just as they were influenced by someone,

then in the future young bands

will be influenced by them.

The f***ing arrogance of it all.

- May I get you some drinks?

- Yes.

Could you bring us the vodka menu?

You guys have to check this out.

They've got over 30...

Can I just have some more water, please?

Yeah, me too.

We've got an early start tomorrow, so...

Fine. Thank you.

So, what's your favourite track on the EP?

Track 3.

Right. Wow.

- Great.

- So, guys, tell us about your label.

Me? Sure.

Well, as you know,

we'll manufacture your records

and put them in the shops and that's about it.

We'll interfere at every conceivable

stage of the artistic process.

We'll remix and edit tracks

without your permission

and force you to appear

on degrading kids' TV programmes

when you're hung over to f***

at nine o'clock in the morning.

We'll use your music to advertise

banks and petrochemical giants.

We'd use it to advertise arms dealers and

whaling fleets if only the c*nts advertised on TV.

We'll under-account to you

and charge you for everything

from that disgraceful f***ing tofu

you're about to order to the staples used

to knock your horrendous contracts together.

And if it doesn't all work out,

you'll be dropped faster

than a Plymouth hooker's knickers

when there's a big f***ing ship in town.

How's that?

Strap that on for a laugh,

you vegan hippy c*nts.

Me? Sure.

Well, as you know, we're very much

about long-term artist development.

You know, we wanna make you guys

feel comfortable and make you happy that

you're producing the sort of music...

Come on! I'm the f***ing king.

Come on! I'm the f***ing king!

When he goes up the octave,

it's just... it's magical.

- Incredible.

- It's so incredible.

- I mean, you play...?

- Drums

No, we're just...

We're...

Excuse me. I'll be back in a second.

All righty. Anyone for dessert

or shall we go for a nightcap?

Actually, I think we're gonna

hit the road now.

Come on. The night is young.

OK, all right. Well, I'll get our lawyer

to give your guy a call.

Yeah, great. See you at the show.

Yeah, Saturday. Wouldn't miss it.

Hey, are you sure you don't fancy a drink?

Sorry. I'm really tired.

Yes, I know this private members club you

and me could...

Are you like hitting on me?

- No.

- Look, thanks again for dinner.

Good night.

That went well.

3 days later and still no response

to our offer on The Lazies.

With each passing day, they are becoming

the hottest unsigned band in the country.

Whoever gets their signature is gonna look

like Clive f***ing Davis with a six-foot cock.

So what do you do?

You follow the circus to the next town

and stand at the back,

nodding along with all the other

clowns like you give a sh*t.

Mr Stelfox. Hey.

Hi.

It's Alan Woodham, DC Woodham.

I interviewed you about...

Yeah. Christ, sorry.

I didn't recognise you in your civvies.

- What are you doing here?

- I still like to get out to a few gigs.

I heard good things about this lot.

What did you think?

Yeah, interesting.

Any progress with the investigation?

Not really.

None of the neighbours saw anything.

So, what did you think of my demo?

Be frank. I can take it.

Actually, I have to say, I was really impressed.

- Really?

- Yeah, yeah.

There's some great songs on there.

- What was your favourite?

- Track 3.

- Time Keeps Moving.

- Yeah.

Thanks for taking the time to have a listen.

I mean, don't get me wrong,

I'm not harbouring any delusions

about becoming a rock star at 30,

but I did think with the song writing

maybe I could look at getting a publishing deal,

you know, write songs for other people.

Yeah.

Do you know any publishers

who it might be worth sending it to?

Yes, yeah. Look, I've gotta run.

But let me have a think and

I'll give you a call, OK?

- Thanks, Steven.

- Cheers, Alan.

I love you, London!

Thank you so much.

You've been amazing.

- F*** a dog.

- Is that... Is that Parker Hall?

Would it be fair to say Parker Hall's some

what closer with the band than we are?

- When the going gets tough...

- What, the tough do Es?

F***ing indie band.

There'll be another one along in a minute.

But, I can get you a deal

if that's what you want.

I can do a deal.

I can get you a deal.

You should call me. Give me a call.

Who is Darren talking to?

Yeah? I'm the deal maker.

He's literally talking to the wall.

I think he's offering it a record deal.

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