Kill Your Friends Page #6

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That last double drop was an own goal, mate.

Do you want a deal?

I guess you can have a deal.

Just give me your address.

Send me a signal. OK.

- Next door.

- What?

How do you know my mum?

Will you give me a sec?

Get some water down you, Darren.

Strap yourselves in, lads.

Looks like we're gonna be signing

The Lazies after all.

Come on. I'm the f***ing king.

Well... Parker Hall is actually signing them.

The band won't sign with anyone else

but Parker Hall.

It seems Derek's been talking

to Parker Hall for a while.

He had breakfast with him this morning.

His contract is up at EMI

and he's coming straight over

to us to be head of A&R.

I don't understand.

Derek has hired Parker Hall.

He's going to be our new head of A&R

and he's bringing The Lazies

in with him as his first signing.

He's your f***ing boss.

As you all know, this has been

a very difficult year for this company.

What with Roger's tragic death

and David Schneider's decision to move on,

we have been missing certain leadership

in the A&R department.

Well, I'm very pleased to say

that's all about to change.

As we all know,

in A&R your reputation is everything.

With a great reputation, you attract talent,

and with talent, you get hits,

and with hits, you build a successful label.

And this man here has an incredible reputation,

established at EMI where he had

tremendous success with Ellie Crush.

I have personally been trying to get him

to work here for a very long time now

and I'm delighted to say

he's finally accepted.

Please welcome our new head of A&R,

Anthony Parker Hall.

I'm not one for big speeches,

so I will just say how excited I am to be here...

I'm walking in a forest.

I'm walking in a forest.

- I'm walking in a forest.

- No. No, it's pony. Take it off, Darren.

Welcome to the new regime.

OK, this is Cocoa and the Bean,

Edinburgh band.

There's a few people talking about them.

A&R meetings are

now weekly under Parker Hall

rather than whenever

we felt like it under Schneider.

They're also driven by a new focus and clarity.

He's on everything early and has a sharp idea

of what he likes and what he doesn't like,

what he thinks will work in

the marketplace and what won't.

And if it's not bad enough

listening to his opinions,

he's now asking for ours.

So, I've been thinking about producers

for the new Lazies album.

Any of you got any bright ideas?

Gil Norton?

Rob?

Who are you thinking of?

- Steve Albini.

- F***, that's good.

He produced In Utero, Nirvana's last record.

He just rocks up, box of microphones,

records the band live.

He's thought all this through.

The way I see it,

we've got enough buzz in the band.

We're gonna have a gold record

with this one whatever it sounds like,

so let's just make an extreme record,

establish credibility,

then we make something more commercial

with the second one, yeah?

He isn't really asking

our opinions on anything.

It's just some horrible test.

Do you know how many acts signed

to this company in the last decade

have actually made their third album, anyone?

Zero.

We've got to get into the business

of developing long-term artists.

Everyone here has their own specialties,

so if we can play to those strengths,

we're gonna have this department firing

on all cylinders, yeah?

Rob, that Sound Collective thing you signed,

how many finished tracks do you have?

Steven, I hear you're taking a look at

that girl band Danny Rent's managing.

Songbirds.

Apparently quite a few people are interested.

Should we be doing it?

Do I wanna sign them?

I really don't know.

Signing bands can literally

cost you your f***ing job.

Also, I must be mindful of

Parker Hall's intention here.

I mean, you understand

what this little c*nt is asking me?

He might be privately convinced that

Songbirds are a grade-A Bernard Matthews

turkey with hobnailed boots on.

He could be doling me out just enough

rope to fashion a f***ing noose.

It's win-win for him.

If I sign them and they're huge,

he looks like the king of rock

because he OK'd the deal.

If they go down like the Titanic

with f***ing boulders strapped to it,

he'll say something about how he had to give

me the opportunity to make my own mistakes...

and he'll fire me.

On the other hand, if I don't sign them and,

say, Virgin do and they're huge,

then I'm f***ed too.

I'm Dick Rowe.

I'm the guy who laid a giant sh*t

on the Beatles' demo

and mailed it back to them with

little flags sticking out of it saying,

'Go f*** yourselves,

you talentless Scouse bastards.'

It's a nightmare.

Loaded dice and poisoned chalices

all over the f***ing shop.

Well, Steven?

Yes or no?

- That's your career over, then.

- Cheers, girls.

- Well done.

- Congratulations.

- Cheers.

- Thank you.

Loaded dice and poisoned

chalices all over the shop.

Just heard from Radio 1. Lazies single...

- Straight in the f***ing B list.

- Excellente.

- Seven weeks upfront.

- Right, Tony.

- Let's move on this one.

- All right.

Guys, just give us a minute, yeah?

Thanks, girls.

Really excited. Steven'll see you out.

- Girls, let's go now.

- OK...

Come on, girls.

- Cheers.

- Thank you.

Locked out of the love-in,

success with its thousand fathers

laughing at failure, the lonely orphan.

I really don't like the way this is going.

Gak, chang, bugle, nose-up,

bag, beak, charlie,

krell, chisle, bump, posh, sniff, skiwear,

bronson, bolivian, toot, junior,

chas, bounce, blow.

There's someone to see you.

F*** tits.

- Hi.

- Can you close the door, please?

Sorry. I've been meaning to call you

about the publishing thing.

Actually, I'm here officially.

Need to talk with you again

in connection with Mr Waters' murder.

Have there been any developments?

You told me you'd been at the Brits...

and you 'dropped him off

on the way back to mine'.

Yeah.

But the Brits were held in Earls Court.

You live in Notting Hill and he lives...

lived in Maida Vale.

Yeah.

- Christ.

- Seems like a long way around.

Why wouldn't you have been dropped off first?

Think. Think.

Did I say that?

Sh*t.

Yeah, no, that was it,

we were gonna drop me off first,

neither of us had any cash and

I left my wallet in the office.

So we went back to Roger's place,

he had some cash in the house,

and, yeah, that was it.

Sorry. I'd, you know, had a few.

OK.

So you were saying something about publishing.

Yeah, I was.

I don't think we'll have any trouble getting

a couple of publishers interested in your stuff.

I was just wondering

if you could get me a few more CDs.

Sure.

Great. I will make a few phone calls.

And I'm sorry about the confusion

with the Roger stuff.

No problem.

No problem.

F***ing hell.

I don't think the auto-tune's been

built that can handle this lot yet.

Right, enough's enough Send them home.

We'll get some session singers in and get it done.

And listen, Danny,

I don't give a sh*t about them

not being on the record,

but we've gotta do something about

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