Killing Bono Page #9

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that's what he was.

And let's face it.

Your wife wouldn't have shagged

a bass player.

- You don't know that.

- Oi!

Cheeky git. I'll fire you, n'all.

Look.

Neil was part of

what really made this band.

And you fired him.

No. We fired him.

Yeah.

We... are supporting U2.

- What?

- Bog off!

Bono asked me himself.

They want a local band to support them.

- Just like old times.

- We can't support U2.

I work in a chicken factory.

Would it kill you to quit?

I don't know whether I can still play.

You never could.

No one will notice.

Eighty thousand people might notice.

What about your brother?

I thought yous fell out?

You leave Ivan to me.

Trust me.

He'll want to come back for this.

McCormick!

There you are, you little shite.

I've been looking for you all over.

Plugger! I haven't seen you...

Shut the f*** up, burger boy.

Mr. Machin's been hearing

ugly rumours.

Word is the band is split up.

You come running home

with your tail between your legs?

Absolute crap.

This is the band.

- Hi.

- What?

And as it happens, we're over

to support U2 at Croke Park.

But I haven't seen your name

on any of the posters.

Is this true, twat features?

Yeah. U2, Croke Park. Yeah.

So, this should see me and

Mr. Machin straight, right?

OK. I'll call some people.

Check your story.

If you're lying,

I'll introduce the lot of yous

to Mr. Machin's bath.

His bath?

Jesus, Neil.

What are you still mixing

with those murderous bastards?

Like, thank God you're

telling the truth.

Or else we'd be in the sh*t.

Hi, Bono? Yeah, me, Neil again.

Just calling to check

you got my last message.

Got all my band sorted.

We're all in town and we're

raring to go, man.

OK, bye.

How are you, Dad?

Ivan, we'd hoped you might

call sooner, son.

Yeah, I know. I've just been...

I've been busy with the tour

and that and...

How's Neil?

F***ed, frankly.

He's been living like a tramp.

We haven't seen him for days

and I just had some hard arse round

looking for him.

- Who?

- Some kid.

The type who'd happily take your head

off. Is he in some kind of trouble?

Ah! Well, if it isn't

our very own rock star.

How are ya, Niall?

I'm just trying to track down Bono.

Do you know where he is?

The bands just back in town for the gig.

They're rehearsing down at the factory

and then they're holed up at

the Stanford doing press.

- Great.

- Morning, Gary.

How's Grace Jones?

F***ing terrifying.

What's he doing here?

Gary. Still writing

poof pieces for Bono

with your pen in one hand

and your prick in the other?

Could always do another piece on you.

The refugee from rock bottom.

I think you've done enough damage

after the last time.

And anyway it might be the best thing

that has ever happened,

because I am back here

to support... U2.

Hi. Hiya.

Neil McCormick here to see Bono.

He's working.

He don't take social calls.

You're not press, are ya?

- I hate f***ing press.

- Yeah, me too.

I hate press.

I'm not press. I'm a friend of his,

we're... good mates.

Everyone in Dublin says that.

Well, what do you want me to do?

Flash my "I went to school

with Bono" card?

Yeah?

What do you mean

we're supporting U2?

Well, that's what Neil said.

Are you telling me he was having us on?

Maybe. I don't know?

It's news to bloody me, you know?

I just don't know what's going on

in Neil's head.

Well, he was acting a bit mental.

More so than usual, that is.

- And did he say where he was going?

- Sure, he was on the hunt for Bono.

Neil McCormick. Hot Press.

Hi. Here to see Bono.

Bono's not registered with us, sir.

No, he's not a guest.

He's with the band.

They're here for the press conference.

The band? And what band

would that be now?

I'll give you a clue.

I love clues. I love clues.

Bono!

Oh, right, Bono.

Bono is not registered with us.

Listen to me, you little tight arse.

We both know he's in the building.

There's a small army

of U2 fans outside.

So, just tell me the way

to the f***ing conference.

He's not registered.

Security! Security!

Paul! Paul.

Its... it's Neil McCormick.

Hey, it's all right he's with me.

Jesus, Neil. You look different.

I thought you were off

touring the world?

Yeah, well, it's a long story.

Listen, while I have you, I did

just wanna firm up our support gig.

- The one you turned down?

- Yeah, yeah. That's the one.

Listen, I've had a bit of a rethink

and count me in.

Sorry, Neil. You said no. Call him crazy

but Bono did take that as a no.

Paul.

So that's it? End of story?

What can I say?

Now, if you'll excuse me?

We are kind of busy at the moment.

Might catch you at the party later.

Yeah, be sure and put me on the list.

Can I see your pass, please?

Gary Hagan, Hot Press. Some people say

you're on your way to becoming

- the biggest rock star on the planet.

- I wouldn't say that, Gary.

I mean, I'm only five foot nine

and that's with the hat.

If you want to print it.

Feel free, I'll read it.

You know it makes me laugh, I mean...

You hear a lot of people saying U2

they're going to be the next this,

the next that.

There was all this expectation

after The Unforgettable Fire.

- Excuse me.

- Yeah?

Can you tell me

where I can find Bono?

Bono? Bono.

No, there doesn't seem to be

anyone here by that name, sir. No.

Oh, except for that Bono.

- Yeah, that Bono.

- Ivan McCormick, come here.

Hey, Paul! How are ya?

The prodigal son returns.

Plugger.

Thank God that's you.

We just spoke with Jimmy O'Mahoney.

U2's roadie.

- What?

- Yeah.

He's heard no talk of you

playing with them, you bollix.

Get in the bastard car.

Ah, ah, ah, ah!

You're driving.

I'll be right behind you

with me little friend here.

And no funny shite.

Mr. Machin does sort of like you,

you know?

- Well, that's a relief.

- It's always harder when you like 'em.

What? Wait, what's harder?

We thought you were gonna be another

Bono. You had us all going there.

Yeah. I had myself going.

I spoke to McGuiness.

He said he looked pretty rough.

I'd no idea it'd got so bad.

Maybe he finally flipped?

It's been on the cards.

And to tell you the truth?

You might have had

something to do with it.

Everyone wants to be

a rock star, right?

Back at school,

if you'd have told me that four of us

would become the biggest

rock band on the planet,

I'd have asked who

the other three were.

You always were a cocky f***er.

You're everywhere.

The press, the posters

and the albums and awards.

And your face on every billboard

and limited edition china ware.

It's a good little earner,

the Bono tea set.

I think people like to smash it up.

We were going to take on the world

with our music.

Sure, when we got going there'd

be no f***ing stopping us.

But you've got your own thing going on.

You're not still sore about

not being in the band?

No, no. I'm fine about that.

Not a day goes by when I don't thank

my lucky stars I'm not in your band.

What do you do when your best friends

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