Killing Hasselhoff Page #6

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Sorry. I have 200.

Two hundred. Look, I'll make it work.

- Meet me round the corner, all right?

- Si.

Bye, vato.

David, do I have to even ask?

My superhero is a master of swords.

A swordsmith.

Is that a word? Swordsmith?

- There is no superhero musical.

- Maybe not now, but there will be.

Pull!

Pull!

There's no superhero musical.

OK, I'm running out of options and time.

I need to get close to Hoff again.

Gotta love social media.

Nice photo, you well-coiffed prick.

- Can I help you?

- Yeah. Is this Mr Hasselhoff?

Depends on who the f*** you are.

I'm... I'm Chris. From Bird Oasis.

I know you normally come into the office

but we had some issues

with this employee

who worked on your two cockatoos last.

I don't mean to cause any alarm but...

This employee wasn't

doing anything sexual, was he?

What? No, no, that's

a really weird conclusion to draw.

There's been issues

with the medications.

We decided to do some house calls

on our very important...

- All right. Come on in.

- Thank you.

That means how are you in German.

You say, gut.

Gut.

That means good. Come on in.

Gorgeous. Who is she?

- That's me.

- Gut. OK.

- Beautiful room.

- Ah, thanks.

I had it custom-built

for my babies here, Dolce and Gabbana.

You look familiar.

Yeah, I'm Chris from Bird Oasis.

No, no. It's the mouth.

I'm... I...

I do some mouth modelling?

- Crest White Strips commercial.

- OK.

Damn, I'm good!

You were good in that commercial too.

Great mouth. Anyway, make yourself

at home and take care of my babies.

Call me if you need me.

Hoff stuff, baby, want some Hoff stuff

Free at last,

kill the Hoff, kill the Hoff

Kill the Hoff, kill the Hoff

Kill the Hoff

Huh? Nothing?

I'm glad we had this talk, Dolce.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah, I gotta kill your boss.

Let's do this sh*t. I'm gonna do this.

What the f*** am I doing?

- I can't.

- Put down the gun, Chris.

Jesus Christ!

Did you hear that?

David! I think I heard a gunshot.

Barry, it's just the TV. Relax, bro.

Read your scripts.

- What are you doing here?

- Trying to stop you from shooting.

- You're making a huge mistake.

- You f***ing Ann was a huge mistake!

I told you I didn't have sex with her.

It was Susan, her roommate.

I told you I wanted to f*** her,

like, 45 times.

What?!

She's engaged. Yes, I know.

And you know what? I don't care.

I saw Annie half-naked

in her apartment with you!

Unfortunate that she was coming

out of the shower at that time,

but you of all f***ing people

should understand a crazy mishap.

- Do you need proof?

- I don't need f***ing proof.

Well, look at the...

That is a lot of piercings

for one vagina.

Look.

Happy? Happy?

- And this way.

- I was angry.

Angry. Yeah.

What the f*** am I thinking, dude?

Gotta get the f*** out of here!

Sh*t! F***!

Large guy with a Glock.

Was that part of your plan?

This is my first murder, dude. I'm just

making this sh*t up as I go along, man.

I really f***ed up.

Man, I just... I f***ed up.

We're all gonna f***ing die

if the Glock...

Don't be a fatalistic little b*tch.

We'll get you the money somehow.

Ann still loves you, a**hole, OK?

So screw your debt.

Screw the club. She loves you.

That's all that matters.

Let's get out of here.

Oh, sh*t!

OK, don't shoot. Nobody shoot.

Says the fool with the Ginsu.

Who the f*** are you?

Who the f*** am I? Who the f*** are we?

Hey, Chris.

We've come to help you off the Hoff.

And we're gonna take

all that cash money.

I can't wait to kill some people up

in here.

You can't kill me because if you do,

I can't collect the money

to pay Wasserstein.

I bet you could collect the money

missing some of your fingers.

Then the money would have blood over it.

Who wants to have bloody money?

- Shut the f*** up! You got jumps?

- No. No, no.

Please, don't make me pull the trigger.

- You just call me n*gger?

- What? No!

- Cos it sounded like you said n*gger.

- No, no, no!

- I said don't make me pull the n*gger!

- Trigger!

N*gger?!

- I heard it that time for sure.

- Not n*gger!

I'll shoot the first white motherf***er!

I'll tell you what I do! I do that!

Everybody, stop saying n*gger!

Hey, what's going on?

What? Wait! What?

Oh, I get it.

You're looking for Ted Nugent's house.

That's two doors down.

Happens all the time.

If you like, I'll walk you over.

Yeah, you're not in charge, Hoff.

Little Asian guy's in charge.

Specifically in charge

of what happens to you.

Well, what's gonna happen to me?

You know what? That's a pretty

fair question. Here's the thing, Hoff...

Listen, tough guy.

You want something to do with my client,

you gotta go through me.

With pleasure.

You shot me in the foot!

- Oh, it's in there deep!

- Run!

Oh, my God!

He's so much more handsome in person.

So tall.

My foot hurts, but my heart feels great.

Stop thinking with your dick and go

after him! I'll get those two a**holes!

My bad, my bad!

You're right, you're right!

You f***ers!

- Where's your car?

- I Uber'd it.

Uber'd it? Who Ubers to a murder?

- Catch!

- That was our only gun!

Drop it.

Sh*t! F***!

What do you people want with me, anyway?

I've never done anything to anybody.

I got half a million reasons

and they all green, baby.

Is this about money?

You put a hit out on the Hoff for money?

Memorabilia, you know,

it's quite a big thing.

I got...

I got bathing suits from Baywatch!

I stole one from every one of the girls

from the dressing rooms.

Yeah. Yeah, I got

the Knight Rider car outside.

You know KITT? You could sell KITT.

Lot of money.

Lot of money for KITT, yeah.

- I like all that sh*t. I'm a fan. I am.

- Good.

But I work for a greedy motherf***er

that wants you dead.

So, yeah, I love Baywatch.

Knight Rider, that was my jam.

When I was 16 years old,

I taped three pieces of red liquorice

to the dashboard of my Toyota Celica.

Drove around like I was Michael Knight

on adventures and sh*t.

I flew my ass to Gutenberg, Germany,

to watch you perform two nights.

- Both nights you blew the roof off.

- Thank you. Thank you.

- Amazing show.

- Thank you.

Every Frulein in that spot

had her panties wet.

- I didn't wanna leave Germany.

- OK. I get it. Thank you.

But I got a job to do.

So turn that candy ass around.

Don't give me those baby blues.

Don't you do it.

Don't give me that winning smile.

Don't you dare.

Turn that ass around!

Yeah, real slow, like.

Oh, good God.

Look at that back.

So shiny. Look like a planetarium.

I just wanna fly my rocket ship

through your space.

I'll tell you what,

another time, another place,

I'd tear that ass up.

Yeah, baby.

That's what I'm talking about.

- Just look out at the water.

- OK.

Think about saving some buxom b*tch.

Wha... What?

Can I ask you a question?

You ever thought about

growing a Selleck 'stache?

Days like this make life worth living.

I gotta be honest with you guys.

I've never killed anyone

in a house this nice.

You wanna be a reality TV star?

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