Killing Hasselhoff Page #7

---

I can make that happen.

The... The...

The Real Hitman of Los Angeles!

Just drop the gun.

I'll set the whole thing up.

I hate reality shows.

I'm more of a scripted guy.

One, two, three.

F***!

Dang! F***ing teeth!

Chris!

You killed my best friend.

This ends right f***ing now.

Yes, it does, cocksucker!

Don't rape me.

I mean, kill me first

and then you can rape me. That's OK.

Fool! Do I look like a rapist to you?

I don't rape nobody!

I make love to my puppies.

When you're backed into a corner...

When life pushes you

in one direction...

and your heart tells you

to go in another direction...

- You gotta dig deep.

- Yeah.

Find the courage

to make the right choice.

Yeah. You do.

- It may not be easy.

- No.

But easy ain't always right.

That's episode 213 of Baywatch.

- Crack Crack Goes The Waves.

- Yeah.

When Hobie bought all that crack and was

smokin' it with the kids at the beach.

Started homin' out the other girls.

You had to yell at him!

You gave him that speech!

- I wrote that scene.

- Man, I'm so conflicted.

- I don't know what to do.

- OK.

Do I kill you

or do I make sweet love to you?

Is there another choice?

Those are the only two choices

we got, baby.

Either I murder you right here

or I murder that ass.

- No, I...

- I just don't know what I'm gonna do.

I'll tell you what you're not gonna do!

Kill my best friend!

Oh, man!

Get the f*** out of here!

Damn it, Redix! You're letting

your dick get in the way of your gun!

You need to kill this beautiful man.

F*** this sh*t!

Yeah. F*** this sh*t.

Didn't anybody ever tell you

not to bring a knife to a gunfight?

Didn't anyone ever tell you

not to hassle the Hoff?

Dick! You shot me in the dick!

- You OK?

- You saved my life.

- Are you OK?

- Yeah.

Bullet just grazed my head, I think.

- Let's get out of here.

- Wait, wait, wait. Not yet.

F***.

You pulled a ninja sword off the wall,

dared a black man with a gun

to shoot you in the face,

then you deflected the bullet

like a fly!

I ain't gonna lie.

That's the sexiest sh*t

I seen in my life.

Don't shoot him, please!

Shoot him?

I'm about to suck Michael Knight's dick!

You should have seen the sh*t I saw!

It was like MacGyver

f***ed Batman with Iron Man's dick!

I quit!

Barry, you hear that?

- Batman. Superhero.

- And this n*gger can sing!

The musical! I'm telling you,

I know what I'm talking about!

Get on the phone.

Call the heads of all the studios.

This is gonna be huge!

- You disgust me.

- No, no! Don't shoot him!

Chris! No!

Chris!

Freeze!

Fish? How did you get here?

I got a ride here

with my new friend Sebastian.

If you even think about blinking...

- Hoff didn't die, right?

- No.

- Keep freezing.

- I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry. So sorry.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Chris! Chris!

Chris!

- I'm still alive.

- OK, I'm still sorry.

- OK. I'm sorry.

- I was about to fall asleep.

- Did you blink?

- Ow, man.

Be honest.

When I turned away, did you blink?

Y'all got a dick Band-Aid or some sh*t?

Ann?

My family wants to have me committed,

but...

I have a little surprise for you.

What are you doing here?

I tried to kill you, like, two times.

But you didn't. You saved my life.

And in the process, man,

Jesus, you almost got yourself killed.

How are you feeling?

- Lucky. Really, really lucky.

- You didn't hear.

That Wasserstein guy? He's dead.

When the Hoff army found out he put

a hit on me, he didn't stand a chance.

You know, I am not surprised.

They are an especially aggressive bunch.

That midget, that red-headed man...

Chris, Tommy explained everything

about the death pool.

I've decided to invest some money

in the club and help you renovate it.

On one condition.

You stop playing the death pool.

You're right. You're absolutely right.

I am so sorry, David,

and I officially withdraw

from the death pool.

That's my man!

Now, you got a girl named Ann

sitting right next to you

who loves you more than you deserve.

Don't let her regret it.

I won't.

- I love you.

- I love you too.

Well, looks like my work here is done.

All's well that ends well, right?

Fish is now out of the mental ward,

Tommy didn't have sex with Ann

and I don't owe anyone any money.

And David Hasselhoff?

Let's be honest,

that guy's gonna outlive all of us.

Kid Cudi!

Sh*t! David f***ing Hasselhoff!

- How are you?

- You look awesome.

- You too. You just don't f***ing age.

- No, neither do you.

Ladies, listen, everything I know about

crushing p*ssy and solving crimes

- I learned from Michael Knight.

- And that's the truth.

Yes, yes. Hey.

Oh. Wait.

You still remember our secret handshake!

- Of course. Boom! In the holster.

- You still got it.

- Like a disease.

- Yeah. Ladies, enjoy the night.

Cudi, enjoy the ladies.

Can't believe this, dude!

It's so f***ing crazy.

I don't deserve this.

Hey, you took a bullet to the chest.

You deserve this.

I think we're the luckiest people

in the world.

I love you so much.

Come on, you guys.

There's people watching.

Hey, Tommy.

Lot of top-shelf p*ssy here tonight.

I could get used to running a club

like this. Lot of fun, you know?

There's no memorizing lines,

no cars or tits upstaging me.

I like it!

Chris, you gonna change your pick

for the death pool?

No, I'm out. No more death pool.

I got everything I need right here.

And I don't have anything against David.

I respect him.

- They found someone to take my spot?

- Don't worry. We got a guy.

Can I have Chris Kim to the stage?

I'm sorry. Show time. See you.

- Chris Kim to the stage.

- Who took Chris's spot in the pool?

Well...

- Well...

- I did.

- No way! Who did you pick?

- I picked myself.

We all gotta die someday.

Might as well make a few bucks on it.

Cheers!

I'd like to welcome everybody to the

grand reopening of Habitat! Give it up!

OK.

I'm so excited. I wanna introduce

my new friend, my new business partner.

And, hell, he's my new f***ing idol,

David Hasselhoff!

Thank you! Thank you very much!

Give it up for Chris Kim!

I must admit...

I must admit

I haven't known him very long

and at first he actually wanted me dead.

But when it counted most

he had my very toned back,

so this goes out to all the lovers

and all the creamers

and all the screamers.

To you...

And to Chris Kim.

Hit it, Joey.

Oh, come on now.

We're gonna crush it.

You know I'm gonna crush it.

Here we go now. Come on.

You know

I crush it almost all the time

Not just a pretty face,

I got a brilliant mind

Of course I got haters

but I don't got the time

They don't matter to me

because the world is mine

I can't lose cos I don't quit

So get out of my face

cos you know that I'll be crushing it

You know I'm f***ing crushing it

Yeah, I'm f***ing crushing it

I crush it down, I crush it down pat

Rolling in my car

with the b*tches in the back

If you try to second me

I'm gonna have to attack

Now tell me

What you gonna do about that

I can't lose cos I don't quit

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes