Killing Hasselhoff Page #8

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So get out of my way

cos you know that I'll be crushing it

Oh, I'm crushing it

Oh, I'm crushing it

You know I'm f***ing crushing it

I am, I'm f***ing crushing it

Everybody!

The Hoff is crushing it

The Hoff is crushing it

Oh, yeah

You know the Hoff crushing it

Goddamn! He's f***ing crushing it!

Oh, baby, oh

The Hoff is crushing it

The Hoff is crushing it

Go to the man

Ooh, crushing it down

He's crushing it down

Where to, David?

Wherever there is injustice.

Wherever there's someone

in need of a hero.

Wherever there are women.

I could use a tune-up, David.

Whatever you like, pal. The night

is young and I'm ready to roll.

Well, guess Hasselhoff is the man.

No, no, no.

Hasselhoff is the f***ing man.

- Turbo boost?

- Turbo boost engaged.

- OK. You're good.

- I'm fine.

Man, look at you. Have you...

Have you... Have you gained weight?

- That's a good look on you.

- Yeah.

- I love that.

- I've been drinking.

That's why I'm here.

You know, I'm looking for him.

Searching around, you know.

No!

- Push it through the other side!

- Don't push it through the other...

I actually made a list

of the ways I wanna kill him.

Leeches.

Oh, could do with going to Amazon.

Come for a quick trip there.

Don't wear your trousers.

- Rack of wedding dresses.

- What the f***...?

Get after him! Get after him!

I need a second to be alone.

Ah, come on. Come on.

Come on.

God. Oh, God, that's...

Freddie Mercury. Oh, no.

That should just say mercury.

Either I kill you or we have sex

right on this cow-ass carpet right here.

That... That's from Rawhide and...

- And we... It's gonna get rawhide.

- No, no.

We abouts to get rawhide.

That's a lot of money. There's a lot

of things in my house that are worth...

I want you to put

a lot of things in my house.

- No.

- When I say house, I mean my a**hole.

Yeah.

Were you... were you ever imprisoned?

Voluntarily.

Voluntarily!

The Hoff! We're gonna kill the Hoff!

We're gonna kill him and maybe eat him

No, too much

Ruptured appendix.

Not funny. He's gonna die with that.

Just... just subtly rupture

his appendix.

Put a tie on too... too tight.

Gotta go to the wedding! I'll help you

with that. F***, he's dead!

It f***ing didn't work!

Fat man's hugs.

- OK, yeah, yeah.

- I just had a bit of fun at the end.

Oh, my God!

Those are the only two choices

we got, baby.

You know what?

There's gotta be another choice.

No, man. Either I murder you

right here or I murder that ass.

No, there's, there's...

Let's think of a third choice together.

- I ain't got one.

- Please.

- Things come in twos.

- No, I...

No, they don't. They come... They do?

Only. Things only...

Bullfight. OK. Dress up as a bull.

Sinkhole. You hear about those big holes

that suddenly appear?

It was on the news?

Half a town's been swallowed up.

Get him into one of those towns.

Oh, f*** you!

Ah, acting. Somebody has to do it.

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