Kindergarten Cop Page #2

How long you been a cop?

I been a cop for 12 years.

My father was a cop...

my brother was a cop...

my mother was a cop's wife.

And I have no hobbies.

You two are booked on the first

flight to Portland tomorrow.

Locate Crisp's wife

and offer her immunity

in exchange for

her testimony against him.

No offense to O'Hallahan...

but this is my case,

and I work alone.

He works alone.

Not anymore.

She's going in undercover

as a substitute

kindergarten teacher.

Not exactly a job for you.

I used to be a teacher.

We'll be fine.

What do I do?

She locates the kid...

you find the mother

and the cash...

and Crisp spends his life

making license plates.

Bon voyage.

Oh, and, Kimble,

the name's O'Hara.

OK. Here's the wife at 17.

Real name's Rachel Myatt.

She's from Hannibal, Missouri,

class of '76.

Cheerleader, first violin

in the school orchestra...

captain of the girls'

softball team.

Her ambition was "To travel...

experience life...

and meet interesting people."

Like Crisp.

Okay.

Relax.

Don't let him get to you.

That's her 10 years later.

It's a great shot of an ear.

You get in touch

with her parents?

They're both dead.

The only relative

she's got left is the kid.

Hey.

Okay. This is the only picture

we have of him.

Cullen Jr., aged 3 months.

That helps much.

It's the best I could do.

Breakfast, sir? Ma'am?

Please.

No. No, no.

That's a first.

Listen, I was

just thinking.

Maybe we should

take a wild stab

at getting to know each other

before we have to pretend

we're married.

What do you want to know?

How long have we been married?

A long time.

People won't expect us

to talk much to each other.

I want to read it, too.

Stop it.

Please?

Let me take a look.

Hey, come here.

If you don't stop

screwing around back there...

this is what

I'll do with you.

Ohh.

What's the matter?

I don't know.

I just don't feel so good.

You hungry?

I got to get out

of here right now.

Get those tree stumps

out of my way

before I vomit all over them.

Is your wife okay, sir?

Compared to what?

Maybe it was the burrito.

Or it could've been the sausages.

I don't think it was

the crab salad.

It couldn't

have been the doughnuts.

Excuse me.

Oh, I hate feeling like this.

I hate it, too.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh what?

Uh-oh...

pull over.

Now?

Yeah. Please hurry.

The key!

Give me the key!

Do you need a hand?

You okay?

I'm fine.

I'll be fine.

Class starts

at 9:
00 in the morning.

I'll be fine.

You look much better already.

Oh. Kindergarten, 6-year-olds.

That's why I quit teaching,

you know.

I got so sick

of other people's kids.

I was afraid that

I'd never want to have any

of my own.

I have a son.

He's 13.

I remember

when he was 5.

He lives with his mother

and stepfather.

Aah!

What's the matter?

What...

is...

that?

Oh, excuse me.

I forgot to tell you.

This is my ferret.

He doesn't bite.

Don't worry.

Come on.

Come on out.

This is all I need...

an obstacle.

A goddamn obstacle.

He sends me an obstacle.

Here.

Oh, God.

Don't worry.

I'm going to make it.

I just need a minute.

I'll be ready

in just a minute.

I just got...

Oh, God.

How do I look?

Take off the gun.

That's a good idea.

The little bastards

are going to eat you alive.

Get some rest,

and don't worry.

I've been working undercover

for a long time.

They're 6-year-olds.

How much trouble

can they be?

On second thought...

take the gun.

Matthew...

I sent you to

the principal's office

because you punched Jenny.

I know. She poisoned

your hamsters.

She told me all about it...

and she's very sorry.

And I'm sorry that

I didn't believe you.

- But you shouldn't punch people.

- But she...

Mr. Kimble, Miss Schlowski

will see you now.

Let's go back to class.

Can I help you?

I'm John Kimble,

your new kindergarten teacher.

We were expecting

a Miss O'Hara.

There's been

a change of plan.

Four weeks into

the new semester...

my superintendent told me

I had to replace Mrs. Hagley...

a kindergarten teacher

of 25 years' experience...

with an undercover

police officer...

and he wouldn't even tell me why.

I don't suppose you

would do me the courtesy

of filling me in.

I can't do that.

Oh.

You can't do that.

I'm watching you.

All I have to do

is tell my parents

that you're

with the police...

and they'll yank their kids

out of this school so fast...

we'd have to close.

And don't you think I won't

if I feel my children

are in any danger.

They're not in danger.

I assume you have

some teaching experience.

They wouldn't have

sent me otherwise.

Just wait here a minute.

Everybody sit down

on the carpet!

Good morning, everyone.

Good morning, Miss Schlowski.

Your teacher, Mrs. Hagley

had to go on

an important trip.

Where'd she go?

That doesn't matter.

Did she die?

No, Lowell.

She went to see someone.

Did they die?

No, Lowell.

Everyone dies, you know.

I know, but not

for a long, long time.

Now, until Mrs. Hagley

comes back...

we have someone special to help.

This is Mr. Kimble...

your new kindergarten teacher.

Now, let's everybody say,

"Good morning, Mr. Kimble."

Good morning, Mr. Kimble.

Good morning.

They're all yours.

I'll be watching you.

Hi.

How are you?

I'm very happy to be here.

First I would like

to just get to know you.

Quiet.

I'm going to ask you

a bunch of questions.

I want to have them

answered immediately.

How many of you

were born in Astoria?

Raise your hands.

Let's see them.

Okay, hmm.

Now, anyone that was not

born in Astoria...

somewhere outside

like California...

raise your hands.

Yes.

I need to go

to the bathroom.

Okay. You can go.

Boys have a penis.

Girls have a vagina.

Thanks for the tip.

Yes?

I need to go

to the bathroom...

and I can't get

these things off.

I'll get someone

to help you.

I'll be right back, okay?

You've learned that

the "e" is often silent

when it immediately

follows another vowel.

Now write and say

these words...

Oh, um...

class, uh, Catherine...

can you take over

for me, please?

Thank you.

"E" is the fifth letter

of the alphabet.

Yes, can I help you?

I have a problem.

Mr. Kimble...

I need to go real bad.

First day?

Yes.

I'll take care of her.

Thank you.

You know, kindergarten

is like the ocean.

Don't turn your back on it.

They're okay.

Don't worry.

Everything is under control.

No.

Monsters.

What are you doing with this?

Aren't you going

to break it up?

No. Two more days of this...

and he'll quit.

Shut up!

Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up.

No.

Don't start this.

Aah!

Attention!

This is your new class mascot.

What happened to your dog?

This is not a dog.

This is a ferret.

What's a ferret?

That's a ferret.

Oh!

If he bites you,

you get rabies and die.

No. That's not true.

He never bites.

Can I pet him?

Sure, but one at a time, okay?

Good. Okay, next one.

Come on.

Yes.

Good.

Yeah.

Good. Now we're having fun.

What's that

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