Kindergarten Cop Page #3

supposed to mean?

Mrs. Hagley

is a lot better than you.

Is she?

Is she really?

My mom's a teacher

in this school...

and she's a lot better

than you, too.

Great.

On Monday nights,

my mom tutors

and Mrs. Quinn

takes care of me.

She's better than you, too.

Great.

And Frankie,

my swimming teacher...

and Gus, my T-ball coach,

are better than you, too.

I really appreciate

your honesty.

You happen to know someone

that's not better than me?

I don't know

that many people.

John?

Are you there?

How did it go?

Go away.

It went that well, huh?

You take over tomorrow.

And blow our cover?

Can't do it.

They're horrible.

Tell me about it.

He's gay.

What kind of a man

teaches kindergarten?

He's obviously gay.

A male kindergarten teacher

isn't what I'm used to.

Samantha calls him

"The giant."

There he is.

Where, honey?

Holy cow, is that

your new teacher?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

What are you doing?

- I'm not wearing makeup.

- None of us are.

You're married.

You're allowed to look like slobs.

Be good. I'll be back

to pick you up.

Good morning,

Mr. Kimble.

Good morning.

I told you he was big.

Play with the kids, honey.

Hi. I'm Jillian,

Sylvester's mom.

Do you have a minute?

I'd like to speak with you.

Sure.

Please.

Thank you.

A male kindergarten teacher.

That's unusual.

You're not from

around here, are you?

No. I'm not.

Neither am I.

Huh.

Anyway...

um...

I have a small problem.

Yes?

You see, Sylvester's father

doesn't live with us anymore...

and I've just been

worried about Sylvester.

He's been acting

a little strange lately...

You know, doing odd things.

Like what?

Well, it seems

that's he's becoming

a little obsessed

with playing with dolls.

You know, it's weird.

I think I can help you

with that.

Really?

He uses the dolls

to look up girls' skirts.

I caught him

doing it yesterday.

Oh. Oh, well,

that's a relief.

But I'll keep

an eye on him, okay?

Thank you.

Does Sylvester

ever see his father?

No. No, not since he was 2.

His father lives in California.

That is far away.

Mm-hmm.

Well, if you give me

his name and number...

I could talk to him

about taking

more interest in his son.

That's very kind,

but I don't think so.

But it's tough on Sylvester,

don't you think?

No.

No, what's tough on Sylvester

is his father left us

for another man.

Are you married,

Mr. Kimble?

No, I'm not.

He's not married, Mom!

Welcome to Astoria...

the single-parent capital

of America.

Thank you for your time.

I pledge allegiance

to the flag

of the United States

of America...

and to the republic

for which it stands...

one nation, under God...

indivisible...

with liberty

and justice for all.

Are these all your lunches?

You mean you eat other

people's lunches?

Stop it!

Now we're going to do

something extremely fun.

We're going to play

a game called...

"Who is my daddy

and what does he do?"

Yes?

Is your daddy a fireman?

He's probably big.

Is he a wrestler?

A basketball coach?

No, no.

What's the matter?

I have a headache.

It might be a tumor.

It's not a tumor!

It's not a tumor at all.

What I meant was...

you tell me who is your daddy

and what does he do?

Oh.

Get it?

We start right here. You.

My dad repairs cars

driven by women who are pinheads.

My dad doesn't do

anything since the crash.

My dad gives money to people

that doesn't have money...

then people use that money...

then they give

other money back

and they give the same amount

of money back to my dad.

My dad doesn't live

with us anymore.

He lives in New York

and drives a taxi.

My mom hopes he's going to die

real soon.

My dad watches TV

all day long.

My dad works on computers...

and he's, um, the boss

of his company...

and, um, he has a mustache

and a beard.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

He doesn't have that

much hair because...

and he...

his head is so big

that he can't wear any hats.

My dad's divorced.

My mom's divorced.

My dad, um,

is a psychologist...

and he helps people

that are hurt

or lost their feelings...

and, um, that's it.

Our mom says that our dad

is a real sex machine.

Good.

I don't know

what my dad does.

I haven't seen him

in a long time.

He lives in France.

My dad is a gynecologist...

and he looks at vaginas

all day long.

Mi pap trabaja

en la casa...

y l juega conmigo mucho.

Thank you.

Very good.

Okay. Next, uh...

What's his name

with his back to me?

His name's Zach Sullivan.

He doesn't like anyone

to talk to him.

He's a poo-poo head.

He's a poo-poo face.

He's a ca-ca poo-poo.

He's a poo-poo ca-ca.

- Poo-poo ca-ca!

- Poo-poo ca-ca!

- Poo-poo ca-ca!

- Poo-poo ca-ca!

Quiet.

That's enough.

Hey, Zach.

Did your daddy

teach you this game?

Come on, Zach.

Let's all play together.

It's so much more fun.

Leave me alone!

What's that?

It's a fire alarm!

Come on, come on.

Everyone together!

Come on.

I'm on fire!

Come on. All together!

I'm on fire!

Very straight.

Very straight.

Come on, come on.

Get all together.

Everything together.

Come on.

Come on. Quiet.

Quiet! Come on.

Shh! Quiet.

Well, we're all glad

the kindergarten class

could join us.

That's four minutes.

You should be ashamed

of yourselves.

All the other grades...

your times were an improvement...

but they're still

not good enough.

But they're still

not good enough.

I'm very disappointed.

All right, let's get

back into school.

Mrs. Sullivan!

Mrs. Sullivan!

So the doctor says

it's a stomach flu.

I'm fine. I can

eat anything I want.

Let's find a restaurant.

Can we talk business?

There are 14 boys

in the classroom.

So far I have three possible suspects,

one likely.

Here's a picture.

You listening?

I'm listening.

His name's Zach Sullivan.

What do you think?

He's cute.

Doesn't anybody eat around here?

Listen, he's a dead ringer

for Crisp. Look.

Maybe. Come on, John.

I'm hungry.

A table for two.

Thank you very much.

Two hot dogs.

Two hot dogs?

Mr. Kimble!

Mr. Kimble!

Dominic.

It's him, Mom.

Joyce.

Hello, Joyce.

Dominic has been a great help.

He's a good kid.

Who's that?

Who?

Her.

Oh, that?

Uh, that is, uh...

I am his sister.

Oh, really?

I wouldn't have guessed.

You have to excuse my brother.

He has no manners.

My name is Ursula.

Wonderful to meet you.

I'm visiting here

from Austria.

I'm Joyce Paulmarie.

I work at John's school.

Ah.

And this is Dominic.

Nice to meet you.

Would you like

to join us for dinner?

- No.

- Ja.

Ja.

Yes, of course.

That would be great.

Hi. There will

be four of us.

Table 27.

Why did you tell her

you were my sister?

Relax, butch.

The love doctor is here.

Come to me.

I want to start.

Okay. I want

a rib eye steak

with mashed potatoes

and a large green salad.

Oh, no.

Wait a minute.

I want to start

with the spicy

chicken wings.

Are they the tiny ones

without meat?

Actually, it's quite

a large serving.

Ah, good.

Ooh, good arms.

And a large bowl

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