King Ralph Page #2

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on full standby.

Through there is

your dining room.

Across the way, the bath.

Through here is your study.

And there is your dressing room.

Anything we've left out?

I don't know.

How about a bowling alley?

CEDRIC:
One other thing.

At your coronation

four months hence,

you will be required to wear

the imperial state crown.

It's usually kept

in the Tower of London,

but we placed it

near your bed...

as a reminder of the eminence

of your office.

It contains the Star of India,

the world's

second largest diamond.

You should practice wearing it

to get used to the weight.

-Good evening, Your Majesty.

-Thanks.

RALPH:
Hey, Ced.

CEDRIC:
Yes?

What is it that

a king does all day?

Scarcely a minute of your day

is unaccounted for.

Nevertheless, what you do

is not as important...

as what you are.

What am I?

To be the king of England...

is a responsibility

like no other on Earth.

You must become a symbol...

of all that is best

about England.

An embodiment of our history,

our culture,

our morality,

our pride of achievement.

In short, our ideal

of civilization.

You must, in the harsh light

of public scrutiny,

exhibit all of our virtues

and none of our shortcomings.

I thought all

I was supposed to do...

was dress up and wave.

I don't even know

what our virtues are.

You will learn soon enough.

I'm afraid

it's a god's burden to bear.

Unfortunately,

it must be borne by a man.

Good evening, Your Majesty.

It's not enough to be king.

You must look and act like one.

We'll begin with the walk.

Imagine yourself to be

the master of your domain...

the leader of men.

Don't swing your arms.

Back straight.

Head up.

But relaxed.

-How am I doing?

-Wait!

Aah!

It's an unmitigated catastrophe,

Prime Minister,

this song-and-dance man

from the colonies.

It's the end of everything

that we hold dear.

Please keep in mind...

that Jones will need

a certain period of adjustment.

He's American.

He's impervious to adjustment.

Better that Parliament

declare his line at an end...

than subject England

to this embarrassment.

Are you suggesting

that we have no king at all?

Certainly not.

Simply choose a king

from the House of Stuart,

who reigned in glory

before the Wyndhams,

make theirs a royal line.

That would be your line,

Lord Graves,

making you next in line

for the throne?

Yes, I believe it would.

Removing Jones

would be a drastic measure...

for Parliament to take.

He does have royal blood,

no matter how badly diluted.

So until he commits

some grievous error,

we will simply have

to live with him.

Well...

Yes.

I suppose so.

You really fell upstairs

this time.

Too bad it's only going to

last the rest of your life.

You called, Your Majesty?

Which one are you again?

Gordon, Your Majesty's page.

Yeah, Gordon,

I was just wondering...

if you could bring me

something, anything.

Anything?

I've never had anybody bring me

something before.

Certainly.

Perhaps an assortment

of fine chocolates.

Got any Milk Duds?

Sir Cedric, Sir Cedric!

The king's gone!

He just walked out.

CEDRIC:

Why didn't anyone stop him?

GORDON:

We tried, but he is the king.

DUNCAN:
McGuire's with him.

CEDRIC:
We've got to find him

before the press does.

Think--you've just been

made king of England.

Where's the first place

you would go?

Our headliner,

Miss Fannie Oakley!

Thank you, Fannie!

And now, a lady making her

professional debut.

Straight from Las Vegas, Nevada,

Miss Flamingo Mirage!

Yes, sir.

Brewer Street, Soho.

I will, sir.

I'm sorry.

I can't do this.

M.C.:
Moving along now,

let's welcome that saucy

southern belle...

RALPH:
Hey there, Flamingo, hi.

Really unique show.

Striptease without the nudity.

My name's Miranda.

The show was terrible.

Who are you?

Ralph Jones.

You don't really

have a Vegas accent.

I wouldn't know.

I've never been there.

Oh! How embarrassing.

Why did I ever think

I could do this?

RALPH:
You got to remember

to take a crossover step...

before doing your spin-back,

or you'll never make it

for the hip reveal.

Girls have trouble with

that the first night.

This is my only night.

They sacked me.

Know anybody who'd

want a tear-away dress?

One of the maids?

We should stay with

the present uniform.

Phippsie, I didn't know...

you went for

this sort of thing.

I want you to meet Miranda.

-You guys work here?

-Well, no.

Then what are you

doing backstage?

It's OK. I'm the new king here.

The king of what, burlesque?

No. England.

That's not the proper thing

to joke about.

I'm not joking.

They hired me yesterday.

I could get your job back.

I don't want my job back.

I want to get dressed.

This'll only take a minute.

I'm new in town.

We could get together

tomorrow night,

maybe have a drink,

discuss the country's mood--

Alan! He's the bouncer.

This is ridiculous.

Nobody believes me.

We should print some cards.

-Alan!

-I'll make you a deal.

If I prove that I'm king,

you got to go out with me.

ALAN:
What are you doing here?

These friends of yours?

MIRANDA:
No.

Don't you be

touching him now, lad.

Have we got a deal?

Yes, all right, fine.

Coming here is the best thing

I've done so far.

RALPH:
Hiya, Ced.

I need hardly remind you...

that this is not the preferred

entertainment of royalty.

Sorry, Ced.

That's it, Your Majesty.

Grip the bat.

Swing it vertically,

not horizontally.

Unlike baseball,

when the ball comes on the fly,

in cricket,

it hits the ground.

The bowler is trying

to hit your stump.

If he does, you're out.

The better shot to learn

is the forward defensive shot.

Bowler.

At first, Your Majesty,

just try to block it.

Bowler.

Pitch a few up, bowler.

Nice and slow.

It's out of here!

MAN ON TV:
Although there's

a sense of relief...

in most quarters that

a sovereign has been found,

doubts remain as to whether

the American-born king...

is cut from the proper cloth.

Son of an itinerant pool player,

the king's life, thus far,

has been relatively free

of achievement.

His mother is currently

in prison...

Miranda Greene?

Yes.

I'm Lord Percival Graves.

Have you a moment?

It is a matter

of some urgency.

Do come in.

I understand

you've met our new king.

Yeah, looks like I did.

And you made quite

an impression on him.

Who said that?

Have you seen today's "Bugle"?

"Seventy-two percent

of the people...

"see the ascendancy

to the throne...

"by an American commoner...

"as a serious threat

to the status of the monarchy."

What's this got to do with me?

You are in a unique position...

to be of service

to your country.

I'm sure that you are aware...

that members of

the royal family...

are expected to maintain

certain standards,

particularly with regard

to the company they keep.

Now...

if the king of England

were to become involved...

with someone like you--

MIRANDA:
Someone like me?

The pressure on him to

abdicate would be considerable.

You're asking me

to sleep with him?

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