King Ralph Page #3

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Oh, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no.

Nothing like that.

I simply want you

to spend time with him,

to befriend him, nurture

his burgeoning affection...

until such time as a simple

photograph can be taken--

a little snapshot of you

together in public.

Forget it.

He is making a mockery

of centuries of tradition.

We're on the brink

of a national crisis.

I think we'll survive.

What's in this for you?

I'm prepared to make it

well worth your while.

Thanks, but I don't

need the money.

GRAVES:
Ha.

What about your family?

What about them?

Your father and brother

have been out of work...

for almost a year,

haven't they?

Such a tragedy, the demise of

the steel industry.

My inquiries tell me...

that their savings

are completely dried up.

Debts are mounting steadily.

It's only a matter of time

before the house is repossessed.

Get out.

I don't think you understand

quite how much I'm offering.

Close the door.

Fifteen thousand pounds

to start,

and if you're successful,

enough to ensure that you never

have to worry about money...

for the rest of your life--

you or your family.

Now, surely you're not

prepared...

to sacrifice their future...

for the sake of

an American usurper...

that you don't even know?

I think not.

Tea?

[Clank]

Milk?

Sugar?

One lump or two?

Two for me.

A little bonus, there.

So, will l--

What's on the agenda today?

CEDRIC:
A word of advice.

When you meet

the prime minister,

say "How do you do?"

rather than "How you doing?"

RALPH:
No problem.

How do you do?

Excuse me. I didn't

sleep much last night.

I'm still on Vegas time,

plus I haven't had a day job

for four years.

I'm more of a night owl,

but what the hell.

Your Majesty, may I present...

the prime minister,

Geoffrey Hale?

How do you do, Jeff?

HALE:
It's a pleasure

to meet Your Majesty.

RALPH:
You can call me Ralph.

No, I'm afraid I can't.

Shall we sit?

I don't want to keep you long,

Your Majesty,

but there is a matter of

some pressing national interest.

That's why I'm here.

As you know,

there's considerable unrest...

in the countries of Africa,

resulting in the emergence

of several new states.

Aha.

The first thing

we're going to have to do...

is buy all new globes.

Beyond that, I don't think

we should rush into anything.

There's no problem

that can't be ignored if we try.

Well, of these new states,

Zambezi is the most important,

owing to its recently discovered

mineral wealth.

That's pretty much

my feeling on it.

So we've decided to invite

King Mulambon of Zambezi...

to visit England on the 23rd.

I didn't know Zambezi

even had a king.

They didn't

until recently.

Mulambon is very anxious

to legitimize himself...

by rubbing elbows with

the royal houses of Europe.

Your Majesty,

we would be grateful...

if you would host

a reception for...him.

[Snoring]

You'll have to excuse him,

Prime Minister.

He is more of a night owl.

Extraordinary fellow.

Could I have a word

with you?

He simply won't do.

He's common, ignorant,

and extremely ill-mannered.

The man's an orangutan.

God help us

with the king of Zambezi.

[Singing]

Well, be-bop a-lula

She's my a-baby

Be-bop a-lula

I don't mean maybe--

CEDRIC:
Your Majesty.

RALPH:
Yes?

Did you have a nice nap?

Guess the old jet lag

caught up with me.

I'm ready now, though.

There's much to cover.

The new uniforms are ready,

and I brought you some books--

one on English history,

one on the lives

of the monarchs,

and a primer on etiquette.

-What's this?

-Date night.

Where does a king go

to eat some sushi?

CEDRIC:
We have no time

to arrange the proper security.

What, the Japanese

are dangerous here?

CEDRIC:
There are elements

at large in the world...

who might seek to harm

the king of England.

What kind of harm?

Kidnapping you for ransom.

In some cases, even--

Even what, killing me?

Ced, I can't take too many more

of these surprises.

Phipps just talked about

castles and boats.

We didn't want to alarm you.

There's nothing to fear

once precautions are taken.

You must accept

some limitations...

on your personal freedom

and on your wardrobe.

So far, there are

no royal luaus planned.

I still got to get this date in.

I am the king, right?

Very well...Your Maj.

MAN:
With the king's

special permission, Harry.

Go on through.

Miss Greene, Your Majesty.

Your Majesty.

You don't have

to worry about that.

And, please, call me Ralph.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I could never do that.

Yeah. God knows

what could happen.

Well, I guess

it's just the seven of us.

That was a lovely dinner.

I can't believe

I'm eating in the Throne Room.

Yeah, well, Willingham

wanted it to be intimate.

I asked Gordon for some music

we could dance to.

Ah. Here's dessert.

Would you care

for some spotted--

Dick?

Yeah.

I came to London

to study design.

I tried exotic dancing...

because I needed

some extra money.

I went to night school

for a bit.

When my dad lost his job,

I started sending money home.

There wasn't enough left

to go to school.

I don't know

if I'll ever go back.

Something will break for you.

I've never done anything

my whole life.

Look where I am. There.

-What's this?

-What's what?

There's no such word as "yo."

I use it all the time.

You don't have to look it up.

We're using the King's English.

If I say it, it's a word.

The Y's on a triple word score.

I'm catching up.

Narrowed the gap to 164 points.

What?

I don't know.

You're not the kind of girl

I'm used to.

You can spell,

you wear clothes to work.

You just have more class.

I'm just a salesgirl

from south London.

Doesn't count

for much class down here,

but it's nice of you to say so.

Our deal was one date,

but could we extend it?

You don't really know me.

There are things about me

you might not like.

Like what?

You're beautiful,

you're smart, you're honest.

I should go.

Thank you for a lovely evening.

Thank you.

[Door opens]

I'm sorry it took so long,

Your Majesty,

but I found you some music.

CEDRIC:
Don't fall in love.

CEDRIC:
It wouldn't work out.

RALPH:
Why not?

CEDRIC:

As king, you are expected...

to marry a woman

of noble birth,

particularly given

your less-than-perfect breeding,

and Miss Greene,

fetching as she may be,

does not qualify.

Your Majesty may remember...

in 1936, King Edward

fell in love with a commoner...

and had to abdicate

his throne.

The House of Wyndham

can ill afford...

another such disaster.

I just want to take her out.

With all due respect,

it would be best

for both of you...

if you did not see

Miss Greene at all.

But if you insist,

it's imperative that you

only see her at the palace.

Here's a poem to remember

the order of kings.

l, Il, III Eds, Richard Il,

Henry IV, V, Vl, then who?

Edward IV, V, Rich the Bad,

then Richard the Third,

then Henrys Twice

and Ed the Lad.

Mary, Lizzie, James the Vain,

Charlie, Charlie, James again.

MAN:
She's already

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