King Ralph Page #4

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seen him twice this week.

We could tip off the press

next time she goes.

Have some photographers outside.

No, let's wait a bit longer.

Give him enough time to become

hopelessly infatuated. Pull.

This is what I call a room.

Your Majesty,

his most sovereign king,

Mulambon of Zambezi.

Welcome, Your Majesty.

On behalf of the people

of the United Kingdom...

CEDRIC:
And the commonwealth.

And the commonwealth

for which we--no.

It's a great pleasure...

to have you as our guest.

We hope you had a pleasant trip.

Oh, look, honey, see the swan?

MAN:
Press the knees tight in.

Sit back.

Grip with the knees.

Heels down. Heels down.

RALPH:
Whoa! Whoa!

MAN:
Your Majesty.

RALPH:
Whoa, whoa. Whoa.

Hello. News desk?

I have something

you might be interested in.

Oh.

Ooh.

DUNCAN:
When in public, a royal

personage must refrain...

from chewing gum,

using profanity,

picking his nose,

scratching his private parts,

and staring down the bust lines

of visiting female dignitaries.

That's everything.

CEDRIC:

Good morning, Your Majesty.

RALPH:
Hey, Ced.

CEDRIC:

I have distressing news.

Miss Greene's presence here

did not go unnoticed.

CEDRIC:
Your Majesty,

this gives you little choice...

but to end your friendship

with Miss Greene.

RALPH:
What? I can't do that.

I don't want to.

CEDRIC:
We'll find you

an exemplary consort,

a woman of such distinction

as to far exceed your standards.

RALPH:
I like my standards

down where they are.

RALPH:
Welcome, Your Majesty.

On behalf of the United Kingdom,

it's our pleasure

to have you as our guest.

Welcome, Your Majesty.

On behalf of the people...

Come on, Ralph.

Don't blow it now.

Don't worry, Your Majesty.

You'll be fine.

[Door opens]

CEDRIC:
Your Majesty, may I

present His Royal Highness,

King Mulambon of Zambezi?

RALPH:
Hey, homes.

What's happening?

Gimme a quintet, brother.

I do not comprehend,

Your Majesty.

Welcome, Your Majesty.

On behalf of the people

of the United Kingdom...

Want to go get a beer?

Do you feel being king

is tougher than you thought?

It is difficult sometimes,

what with all

the ceremonial duties...

and official obligations,

but I'm quite pleased...

with the economic progress

my country has made.

We are hoping

to be the first in Africa...

to market an automobile.

I might be in the market

myself soon.

The Rolls just

doesn't have much poop.

-Will it have fuel injection?

-Oh, yes. Everything.

Five-speed transmission,

rack-and-pinion steering.

Reclining buckets?

Rear spoiler?

No, but it'll get

excellent gas mileage.

Gas mileage is fine,

but the first question

car buyers ask themselves is,

"Will this get me laid?"

Beautifully stated.

Ah! Well, looks like

that's all she wrote.

Want to go again?

Yes.

RALPH:
What was that, a five?

MULAMBON:
No, a three.

Isn't it on the line?

I plan to claim victory

with this throw.

Careful not to foot fault.

If he gets anything better

than seven, we're screwed.

Know where I can

get a set of those?

I'll send you one.

I've been meaning to ask you,

do they tell you

who to date over there?

Of course not. I am the king.

Damn. I knew I was

getting hosed over here.

I think he did well,

considering.

It could have been worse.

Yes. He could have

exposed himself.

[Ring]

Yes? The prime minister

for you, sir.

Good afternoon,

Prime Minister.

Yes.

Oh, really?

It's a strange world

we live in, isn't it, sir?

Yes, thank you.

Good-bye.

The prime minister

just spoke to King Mulambon.

The king said

he couldn't remember...

when he'd had so much fun.

Sherry?

Please. Yes.

King Ralph seems

to have passed...

his first diplomatic test

with high marks.

The king's personal style,

which had raised some eyebrows

in official circles,

is now being characterized

as a breath of fresh air.

In other--

Congratulations,

Your Majesty.

We were nervous when we decided

to take a chance on you,

but, uh...

I really did all right?

Yes, Your Majesty.

Don't let it go to your head.

Today's breath of fresh air...

can quickly become

tomorrow's ill wind.

Nowthat that's over,

I can take a vacation, right?

CEDRIC:
Hardly.

We will have to increase...

your public appearances...

in light of your

growing popularity,

and the ball season

will soon be upon us.

You'll need dance lessons--

waltz, fox trot,

even eights and reels.

I haven't had a day off

since I've been here.

I can't go out, I eat alone,

I live in a museum.

-You'll adjust.

-I got no family, no sex life--

Good. Less chance

for a scandal.

I don't see anybody

that doesn't work for me.

I'm getting palace fever.

Are you telling me

in your American way...

that you are lonely?

Yeah.

Don't lose patience.

We're working on the problem.

Good evening.

I'll give you guys

one more chance.

Fetch!

CEDRIC:
Sir Guy Cracknell,

knight of the British Empire.

Ooh. Ooh, I'm sorry.

Oh. Are you all right?

I got him. I got him good.

I'm sorry.

Really, I'm terribly sorry.

I got to get out of here.

[Beep beep]

Your evening cocoa,

Your Majesty.

RALPH:

You haven't seen this, Gordon.

Haven't seen what, Your Majesty?

I really need

a night out, Gordon.

There are easier ways.

Stay, boy.

Stay.

[Telephone rings]

[Ring]

Hello.

Congratulations, my dear.

The king has broken out

of the palace...

and is at this moment

on his way to you.

When he calls,

meet him wherever he chooses.

There will be a photographer

following you.

Make sure that he gets

what he needs.

Good luck.

Oh, yeah.

Hello, Miranda?

It's me--Ralph.

Am I glad to see you.

People are looking at me funny.

-You're here alone?

-Yeah.

There's something

I've wanted to do.

Two Double Whoppers with fries

and two giant Cokes.

Two Double Whoppers,

two fries, two giants!

Got any money?

I haven't been paid yet.

You know, you look familiar.

Aren't you--

Yeah, you are, aren't you?

You're the new king!

What, are you crazy?

What would I be doing here?

There's the king!

There's the king!

Could I have a burger, please?

RALPH:
No.

You got the wrong guy.

You got the wrong guy.

I ain't him.

GIRL:
Oh, please, Your Majesty.

All right, all right.

One or two. One or two.

Your Majesty,

here's a burger on the house.

I think I'll need a new burger.

MAN:
Over here, Your Majesty.

RALPH:

Maybe just one quick one.

Could you move

a little closer together?

That's lovely.

Put your arm around him

and give him a kiss.

Very nice.

-Why'd you do that?

-We got to go.

The fries aren't ready.

MIRANDA:
There's going to be

photographers everywhere.

RALPH:
How about onion rings?

MAN:
I've got your burger!

MIRANDA:
You should get back

to the palace now.

RALPH:
I don't want to.

There's got to be

someplace we can go.

MIRANDA:
Well, maybe one.

MIRANDA:

Two, three, four. Side.

Two, three, four.

Forward, two, three, four.

Side.

RALPH:
Hope you're not upset

about this mystery woman thing.

MIRANDA:

The girls at work said...

it was probably

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