King Rat Page #3

You don't have any tobacco, do you?

- I hear you're good for a little extra.

- Yeah.

Yeah, I was just gonna

bring some to him.

He won't miss it. Thank you.

You must tell me your

secret one day, corporal.

Medically, it ought to be

very valuable.

I'm just lucky, sir.

Oh, no.

That won't do.

Oh, thanks. Can you spare it?

I don't smoke. Never have.

Could you get my boots, old man?

I've got to get up.

- Where are they?

- At the foot of the bed.

I've kept those.

- I've kept them in good shape.

- Yes, you did.

There.

I've had enough, thanks.

I'm dying.

Yes.

- Orderly.

- Yes?

Get the corpse detail

to take Sgt. Masters' bed.

Capt. Daven's will be free too.

But don't let them take the boots.

Yes, sir. What about Col. Hutton?

Do I give him quinine?

- Of course give him quinine.

- Well, I'm sorry. Just asking.

Only doctors authorize drugs.

Give him quinine and stop pretending

you're Florence Nightingale.

There are two appendectomies

for tomorrow morning.

Right.

I'll see them before I go off.

- Do you want me to do them?

- No, I will.

- Evening, doctor.

- Hello, Stevie.

By the way, I finished the autopsy

on the man found in the borehole.

Death was from suffocation.

If you find a man headfirst

down a borehole...

...death will likely be from suffocation.

- Yes.

Well, I wrote...

I put on the death certificate:

"Suicide while the balance

of the mind was disturbed."

- Do you want that?

- Oh, thank you, sir.

Have they identified the body?

Yes. It was a Pvt. Gurble.

Unusual name.

- Not the way I'd choose for suicide.

- No.

- Unless, of course, he was put there.

- Oh?

- Why do you say that?

- Well, they held a court of inquiry.

- He'd been caught stealing rations.

- I see.

Either way, murder or suicide,

I'd say he deserved it, wouldn't you?

Yes, I suppose so.

- I'd better go and finish my rounds.

- Yes. Well, good night, colonel.

Want a smoke, Stevie?

- There it is!

- Don't let it get away!

- There it is!

- Don't let it get away!

- Watch out, watch out!

- Get it out!

- Get him!

- There he is!

- Get him! Get him!

- Right there!

All right, knock it off!

Just hold it! Knock it off.

Will you knock it off?!

Now, just leave it where it is.

Don't kill it.

- I got a better idea. Tex?

- Yeah?

Get a blanket.

- Blanket?

- Yeah. Yeah. Come on, will you?

That's it. You and Max trap it.

Come on. I want it alive.

- With my blanket? You crazy?

- I'll get you another one. Catch it.

Come on. Give me the other end.

Let's throw it down and jump, okay?

- Right.

- Come on. Now!

- I got it!

- Take it!

- Go on.

- Hey, I got it!

All right. All right.

Knock it off! Now, quiet!

- Max, you take it.

- I don't want it. It's his blanket.

Tex, you go put on the java

while I work this out.

Gather around and hear

the words of the King.

And the whole court

strained in obedience.

Come on, come on, come on.

All right, so we got ourselves

a real live rat, right?

- Yeah. So?

- So? So use your imagination.

What don't we have

a lot of in Changi?

Yeah, besides that.

- Come on. Food. Right?

- What's that got to do with rats?

God.

You're not thinking

what I think you're thinking, are you?

You got it.

- Only we're not gonna eat it.

- Eat it?

- Eat what? What's he talking about?

- Rat meat.

You're out of your mind.

Who would buy rat meat?

Let me finish. Of course nobody

will buy it if they know it's rat.

But suppose they don't.

Suppose we say it's rabbit.

There are no rabbits in Malaya.

We'll think of something else.

What are you all knocking it for?

Do you think we can

get away with squirrel?

That's it, squirrel. Good.

Still not a lip-smacker, is it?

Wait a sec. Wait a sec.

I know.

- I know. Deer.

- Deer?

What kind of game

you got back home?

No, not the usual kind of deer.

I mean rusa tikas.

They're about...

Well, they're tiny.

They're about 8 inches high.

The natives consider them

to be a great delicacy.

Rusa tikas translated

means "mouse deer."

That's it, then.

We're in the rusa tikas business.

Now, first we got to find out

whether it's male or female.

Then we get the opposite one, and

we're on our way to our first million.

Now, how we gonna sex it?

Hey. I read in Reader's Digest

that the Japs are big sexers.

- That's with eggs, dummy.

- Leave it to me. I'll tell you.

Okay. You got the job.

Now we got two things to do.

Liberate another rat, and then

we gotta find out about their habits.

- Well, Vexley's your man for that.

- Vexley? Who's Vexley?

Join my class?

- You really want to join my class?

- If it wouldn't be too much trouble.

No. Delighted, old chap.

Delighted.

- Squadron Leader Vexley.

- Pleased to meet you.

Hello, Peter.

All right, then.

Comfortable?

Good. Now, today...

Today I was going to talk about...

...the largest of mammals: Whales.

Do you know anything

about whales?

Huh?

Whales are, without doubt...

...the highest form

to which nature has aspired.

Now, you take

the sulfur-bottomed whale...

...the most powerful animal

in existence.

Now, you take its mating habits.

Its mating is marvelous.

There's no other word for it.

The male...

...starts his titillation...

...by blowing glorious clouds

of spray.

He then pounds the water

with his tail near to the female...

...who waits with patient lust...

...on the ocean's surface.

He then dives deep

and soars up out of the water...

...huge, vast, enormous...

...and crashes back

with thundering flukes...

...churning the water into spray,

pounding at the water.

- You have a question?

- Yes, what about rats?

I beg your pardon?

This is interesting about whales,

but what about rats?

- What about rats?

- Do you know anything about them?

Rodents are entirely different.

Now, to return...

- What do you mean?

- What?

How are they different?

I'll deal with them in the next series.

There's nothing about them to like.

Why are they disgusting, sir?

I mean, do they have bad habits?

- Everything about them is...

- Cigarette, sir?

Why...

...thank you, corporal.

Take a couple, sir.

I'm sure you'll need them if you're

gonna go into rats in detail.

Well...

Right. Now...

So, gentlemen, the female can have

up to 12 litters a year...

...and anything up to 14 per litter.

The young being born blind

and helpless 22 days.

Twenty-two days, gentlemen,

after contact.

The young open their eyes

in two weeks...

...and they become sexually active

in two months.

- Holy cow!

- Know what that means?

That means in six months, we're

gonna be knee-deep in tikas.

Holy cow.

On the other hand, they do have

some rather nasty habits.

Number one:
They're cannibals.

Number two:
They'll fight

if left to their own devices.

But on the credit side,

they'll eat anything.

I repeat, anything, dead or alive.

Which means we got no

logistics problem.

I got another one.

While you jokers are talking,

I'm out doing.

- It's the right mate too.

- How do you know?

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