Kingdom of Us Page #2

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and say, "Yes."

Yes.

I'd like to thank my dad

with all my heart.

And the work that he's done.

I mean, look.

Right now,

I'm walking on the most brilliant mud.

My dad is the best dad

in the whole wold.

Tell you what,

most kids don't have a dad like mine.

I'm so lucky.

When Mum told us,

you don't know how to take it.

You just scream.

The way that the death happened

wasn't an accident.

It was, like, his choice.

It might've been a cry for help,

which makes me really sad.

'Cause I can just imagine him,

being sat down there...

I've constantly gone through

the what-ifs that day.

What if I could have run into the woods,

maybe tried to find him?

There was a banging at the door.

It was the police.

They said, "We just had a call

from your husband

saying he was going to kill himself."

- I saw helicopters going around...

- Police vehicles arriving...

...ambulances...

I remember

the helicopter flying off.

He cut his left wrist

and his throat.

I was 16. Pippa was six years old.

We've all got

such different memories.

What can we know,

that day how Dad killed himself?

Of course our brains are going to

make funny stories and make things up.

How can someone

just stop being there?

How can my dad just not be?

It was almost like

we weren't worth living for.

If your own dad

doesn't want to stick around...

then you can't be that great of a person.

I couldn't imagine any days

coming after that day.

I felt like we were just gonna be

frozen in time there.

Forever.

For years after he died,

I always thought it was probably a joke.

That he's not actually gone,

he was just pretending.

And that he'll still come back one day.

Like, sometimes I swear I see him

in the street,

and I think, "God, is that Dad?"

I don't wish for him to come back now,

'cause I know it's not gonna happen.

But I used to wish all the time that...

he'd come back, or like...

Actually I do still wish.

I do.

I sometimes pray at night that he'll

come in my dreams or something.

Or that he'll...

Just 'cause there's so many things

I want to ask him. And, like...

that I just want to hug him again

and hold his hand.

But I can't.

If he was here now,

what would you ask him?

Um...

I'd ask him to sing my song.

That he wrote.

Nikita?

Are you helping Mummy

make the evening meal?

I didn't always understand

what was going on when I was younger.

I think it's part of my autism.

So when people would talk to me,

I'd have to act like I knew

what I was saying...

and in my head, I was screaming.

It all just sounded like a big slur.

Give me a really big smile, Lorie.

I want to show Mummy and Daddy this.

Oh, Lorie, please give me smile.

I want to show Mummy and Daddy.

I know how to portray anger,

sadness, depressed, laughter, ecstatic...

But I don't know how to read them.

Nikita and Lorie, Pippa and

Osborn have been diagnosed with it.

- Um, my youngest sister.

- I'm six years old.

My birthday is...

It's like trying to

thread an eye of a needle,

but with really blurry glasses on.

You want to do something so bad,

but you just can't do it

'cause there's something holding you back.

Right, Mirie. Give me a smile.

People look at me and say,

"Um, you don't act autistic."

Well, a lot of the time

I'm trying to just be normal.

- What was that band called?

- Ozzy, stop!

Someday, somebody's gonna make you wanna

Turn around and say goodbye

Why don't you just let it

come naturally when you sing?

- Ozzy...

- Stop it!

Ozzy, are you doing this thing or not? No!

You wanted to be in it? No!

Are you going to be a performer? No!

Are you a scientist? Maybe! Shut up!

- Osborn? Ozzy? Ozzy?

- You know I'm right.

Listen, you do not spend

three and a half minutes on stage

just doing this...

No, you don't have to do that.

You can move around, walk around.

Okay, let's bump into each other, then.

- But that doesn't look natural.

- Osborn!

It's just some choreography!

Every performance you watch

is choreographed!

I had just taken a phone call from work!

Breathe in...

Don't breathe on me.

- Pippa, please.

- Sorry.

Just take some deep breaths

and calm down a bit.

I'm cleaning my room...

because, um, my mum thinks that I have to.

But I think otherwise.

I think that it doesn't actually matter

because one day I'm going to die.

And when I die, it won't matter.

So it shouldn't really matter now.

Recently, I've been thinking about

what actually matters

and what's important.

And I think the only important thing

is being happy.

Nik, how often a week would you say

you paint your nails for?

People don't like thinking about death.

And that's probably why people end up

doing things they don't want to do,

because they think

that they'll live forever.

And they sort of push death aside

'cause it's taboo.

But it's got to be spoken about.

I'm holding this right now,

but I'm gonna put it down in a second.

And then the time when I was holding it

will be in the past.

And that was only a couple of seconds ago.

But it's not...

it's not happening anymore.

And now, it was here and now it's there.

But it was in my hand

and it felt like the present...

but it didn't because I knew

that soon it would be down there.

And now I've picked it up again.

And when it was down there,

it feels like the past, straight away.

And I think that's quite unusual,

because you never really feel

time moving on

until something happens

or until something changes.

I feel like

we're always living in the past

because the last time we'll ever feel

in the present is just as we're dying.

And although right now

I still have my future...

when it's over,

everything will be the past.

I feel like that's our life.

Our life will always be in the past.

Even if something bad happens on a day,

I manage to stay happy.

Because once it's happened,

it's gone and it's in the past.

Yes, I know. I'm just stressed

because I can't stand the house anymore.

- Let's all do it.

- Yeah!

Don't stand there moaning at me,

just do it.

And you've been moaning in there

about that moldy cake.

Fruit decomposes,

cake does not decompose.

It goes moldy.

Ozzy,

it won't decompose on the tarmac.

It will decompose anywhere, actually.

- Have you seen the lobby?

- Yes.

Oh, my God. Whose shoe?

Does anyone wear this?

How would I know

who one shoe belongs to?

Would you want to go back to living

with bare walls and no more Internet?

- No, but we've gone to the other extreme.

- Yes, we have.

We went from having nothing

to having too much.

And now we can barely breathe.

Like, do we need

that many boxes of cereal?

How many of those

do you reckon are stale?

And can't be eaten anyway.

None of them are, actually.

I just want you to start listening to me

and doing something.

And I'll help you. I've said that.

Will you start listening to me?

I've tried listening to you, Mum.

Kacie, will you start listening to me

when I say I need you to pay for your car,

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